Off the record: For @*#%'s sake, Lily!

Fuck You (along with Fag Hag and Kabul Shit) is available as a B-side to Allen's new single, The Fear, which itself features the F-word twice. It is set to be number one on Sunday.

Meanwhile in America, parents groups are kicking up a stink over the next single by Britney Spears, If U Seek Amy. Its chorus, "All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to if you seek Amy", makes no sense until you say it out loud — at which point you must bow to Ms Spears's powers of subversion. F-U-C-K me, get it? This filth will be released here in the spring.

The debate over offensive language on television has now become so heated that broadcasters are ready to pull plugs and publish apologies if Jonathan Ross so much as raises a suggestive eyebrow. But while all ears are tuned to the sewer-mouths of chefs and comedians, are pop singers getting away with more than they should?

It's tiresome when people swear to be cool, in the entertainment industry or otherwise. But it's hardly outrageous. Britney and Lily have young fans, true, but if primary schools today are anything like the one I went to, their vocabulary of rude words is already healthily stocked.

Nor does either make any pretence of being a role model. The first verse of Lily's first ever single, Smile, contained the couplet: "You were fucking that girl next door / What'cha do that for?", so we should have known what she was about from the first, while Britney gave up pretending to be a virginal innocent long ago, snogging Madonna and singing about masturbation as far back as 2003. If we want singers who are responsible at all times, it's Coldplay or nothing.

Besides, you still have to choose to buy a rude album — and even then its explicitness is clearly indicated on the sleeve. The swearing is edited out on the radio — Britney's single is to become "If U See Amy" on air, which really does make no sense.

The real subversives, meanwhile, do not spell out naughty words but couch their explicitness in perfectly acceptable language. There's no way Lil' Wayne was really talking about a Lollipop in his recent hit, while the Black Eyed Peas hit Don't Phunk With My Heart got plenty of airplay, despite being a single consonant away from profanity.

Hip hop, though, is a different kettle of filth. Get Jonathan Ross and Snoop Dogg together and we'd really have something to complain about.

NEW ON THE NET
*Prior to a rumoured Glastonbury headline slot, Neil Young is airing his new single, Fork in the Road, at www.neilyoung.com. A noisy rocker about a lorry driver, it supposedly precedes an entire album about eco-cars.

*Four years since their last number one album, Manchester trio Doves finally resurface with a new one, Kingdom of Rust, in April. They're giving away the opening track at www.doves.net for the next fortnight. It's a trancey slow-builder which was written with Blade Runner in mind.

*Already being talked up as one of the albums of the year, you can own the dreamy Eighties synthpop of Walking on a Dream by Aussie duo Empire of the Sun on 16 February. Before then, get the Sam La More remix for free at www.walkingonadream.com.au.