A show of Henry VIII’s finest steel combat wear in the forbidding White Tower at the Tower of London may not suit all tastes, mixing as it does macabre with Meccano. But children will like the shining cylindrical groin protectors — codpieces — that stick straight out at juvenile eye-level like blunt rockets.

This collection of armour to celebrate the monarch’s 500th anniversary reads like the instars of a peculiar clanking insect. Each suit gets fatter on the king’s 6 ft 1in frame as Henry advances in age. The 28-year-old’s unfinished tournament armour with its 36in waist and puff-toed metal shoes, aped contemporary fashion, while a Tonlet (skirted) armour that looks astonishing was “in” at the time. The final gear of a burly old man which, with its capacious metal buttock-covers, resembles a silver-back gorilla lurching off to war.

Made at Greenwich from 1511 especially for the king, armour used precision engineering in its joint flanges and articulations that Nasa studied in the 1960s. The metalsmiths’ skill in shaping to the exact contours of a body, protecting every part of a human, means that one could pour in silicon for a Gormley body cast.

Also on show are the not-very-protective padded jackets of the infantry; and many weapons. Of the “staff” group of weapons, the “bill” had a huge hook designed to yank an armoured man off a horse. Another vicious mongrel weapon combines gun with spiked mace, to shoot first and beat to a perforated pulp after.

The craftsmanship and curious beauty of these, and of the armours, some weighing 94lb, does not belie the gruesomeness of war. Armour was designed to pitch the wearer forwards. For should you fall helpless on your back, you would be gutted.
3 April until 17 January 2010. Information: 0800 482 7777; www.hrp.org.uk