The stock market is no place for Ocado's sensitive souls

Its final cash-out was done at 265p a share, a dizzy price that seems unlikely to be revisited any time soon (the stock is in the discount bin at 83p today).

Other than that well, Ocado raised some money that it is burning through at an alarming rate, mostly from investors who were already involved and so presumably would have been happy to dob in without the need to take the company public.

Exposing Ocado to the scrutiny which goes with a stock-market listing has only really made it easier for bears of the business to poke around and make sniffy remarks.

Which in turn has had the effect of revealing that the company founders are slightly sensitive souls that don't take criticism well.

Tim Steiner - the chief executive - still seems genuinely mystified, and somewhat miffed, that his business adventure hasn't been simply praised to the hilt by all observers, including investors.

The simple retort to his oft-repeated claim that the shares are cheap is this: buy some then.

Perhaps those bankers that floated the business at 180p (named in the graphic) might like to ante up themselves, if only out of complete embarrassment at the pup they tried to sell the rest of us.

For some time now, having Goldman Sachs as lead adviser on a float has been a red flag. If it is selling, don't buy. Goldman would naturally dispute this, and might even provide figures showing that not all of its recent floats have underperformed but there's not much point in it denying that the perception is otherwise.

(Note to Goldman bankers: Go undercover in City wine bars and ask about yourselves. You won't like what you hear.)

Back at Ocado, the story of today's results is the same as it has been for ages. Sales are soaring and they'll keep soaring, says Steiner.

The online grocery market has barely begun to grow. All of this might be true but it's still not clear that Ocado is going to be one of the winners.

It's hard to escape the feeling that someone else will get it right and that Ocado will get nuked.

This is a pity. Steiner and co have worked incredibly hard in creating a business that is admirable in so many ways. But at some point it needs to be profitable.

And after 10 years of trying, that looks as distant a possibility as ever.

Email: simon.english@standard.co.uk

Jeremy's picks aren't batty but the cat's winning - by a whisker

There are two weeks remaining for our stockbroking competition and followers won't be remotely surprised to hear that the office cat is in the lead.

As usual, we must praise Jeremy Batstone-Carr of Charles Stanley for having the nerve to line up for a kicking - he's on a hiding to nothing, since if he wins it merely demonstrates he's adequate at his job, and if he loses to a cat a certain amount of mockery is bound to ensue.

Batstone-Carr picked solid, dividend-paying stocks such as Imperial Tobacco and Rolls-Royce, contrasting with the cat's instinct for businesses which thrive in times of austerity - pawn shops and insolvency specialists.

He's up nearly 8%, which is not at all bad, albeit somewhat trailing the cat's results.

We'll allow him to explain himself in two weeks.

Our tamed lapdancer is presently sticking to the night job - her portfolio of luxury goods and precious metals is on the slide, though it's recovered rather well in the past few weeks.

As for Harry the Hedge Fund - asking him to buy and hold shares for a period of three months was always likely to prove outside his normal range of skills.

His preferred length of time to hold a stock is somewhere under three minutes.

The worst performer is presently the mattress.

Which goes to show that cash isn't always risk free.

Whiskers the cat +8.83%
Jeremy the stockbroker +7.93%
Lisa the lapdancer -0.07%
Harry the hedge fund -0.13%
Mickey the mattress -0.5%