The Big Brother no-shows

They held the traditional end-of-show party for the housemates at a hotel in central London.

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But where was the winner and burgeoning megastar, Shilpa Shetty? Sorry, too busy.

And Jade Goody, the most vilified human being in the country? Sorry, in rehab.

What about Jo O'Meara, one of her co-accused? Sorry, locked away in a hotel with round-the-clock shrinks.

The party turned out to be the Also-Rans' Big Night Out. Donny Tourette signed autographs for fans - no doubt pleasantly surprised to find anyone remembered an obscure punk singer who scarpered over the wall the moment the show got going.

Dirk Benedict held up three fingers when he arrived, presumably to celebrate his great achievement on coming third. Well done, Dirk!

The only one of Shilpa's tormentors to make an appearance was Danielle Lloyd, who arrived looking as if she would rather be anywhere else on the planet than at a Big Brother party.

Her mood will not have been improved by the news that her boyfriend, West Ham striker Teddy Sheringham, has confirmed he has broken up with her, saying: "I am no longer with anyone."

At least Jermaine Jackson - the runner-up and the closest thing to a real celebrity - was there, signing albums and generally doing his best to be a star.

Meanwhile, Shilpa is going to meet Tony Blair next month and the Queen at an official reception in March. "It's a huge honour," she said. "I am humbled."

Jade has reportedly been admitted to the Priory clinic for stress and depression. The mother-of-two is said to be "on the verge of a nervous breakdown", according to The Sun.

As for Jo, she is reported to be at a hotel where she is being cared for by psychiatrists. A source told the Sun: "Jo is in no state to go anywhere. She has round-the-clock doctors, psychiatrists and nurses to care for her. We are very worried - she's absolutely broken."