Buddy "Aces" Israel, the coked-up, mobster magician at the centre of this crime thriller, is a man who has fallen for his own showbiz hype. As he tells a stooge, "You see exactly, and only, what I choose to show you. That's illusion ..." Working Title duo Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner, who nursed the film through production, describe its script as "the most original piece of writing any of us had read in a long time". That's delusion ...

The crass, pointless plot turns on the fact that Aces (Jeremy Piven) is about to snitch on his Mafia friends to the FBI. Which means two agents are now obliged to protect him from a gazillion hit men (and women) out to win the $1 million bounty on his head.

Andy Garcia, Ben Affleck and Ray Liotta are the bestknown among the cast; they're not terrible, but if they had fun making this movie, it's not infectious. Meanwhile, singer Alicia Keys - making her cinema debut - plays a surly assassin who dresses up as a prostitute to get closer to Aces. Not required to do any serious acting, she is at all times adequate. But her thighs and breasts, why, they are excellent!

The film's few genuinely funny moments are supplied by Jason Bateman (from TV comedy Arrested Development) and a newcomer called Zach Cumer. Bateman plays a neurotic, middle-class mob attorney who wants a piece of the action. Cumer is a spectacle-wearing, Ritalinfuelled white teen who tries to talk "black" and becomes aroused when he mimes karate moves.

One suspects that director/writer Joe Carnahan is poking fun at himself - and his target audience - via these characters. But mostly he sticks to the formula. If you dream of becoming a perfect physical specimen, sleeping with bad-ass girls, eviscerating your enemies and defending your friends when the going gets rough, you'll find Smokin' Aces moving. I imagine someone like Gareth from The Office watching it, a big grin on his face, a box of tissues by his side.