New Moon is nothing if not an international advertisement for the hungry virtues of virginity and young people can’t get enough of it
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Theatre
A smart, prickly and rewarding view of sexual and emotional confusion
Cock
Restaurants
Kitchen W8 is a bargain for this area, if such sophistication is what you crave
Kitchen W8
Too long and drawn out but very entertaining with excellent special effects
This is a peculiar play and does not work for me. Some of it is very funny but there are real flaws
Alex has a strong powerful voice and was faultless, she is far better now than she was on the X-Factor
London,
Derek Malcolm's rating
Reader rating
Dir: Robert Zemeckis.
Cast: Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Brendan Gleeson
Description: Blessed with the strength of some 30 men, Beowulf answers the call of corrupt king Hrothgar to slay the ogre Grendel, which has been terrorizing his kingdom for months. Beowulf succeeds, ripping the beasts' claw from its socket, and fatally wounding his prey. Hrothgar, Queen Wealthow and their subjects celebrate but Grendel's mother exacts a terrible revenge by abducting the king's trusted warrior Aeschere. Beowulf and his brethren give chase, determined to rescue Aeschere from his hellish fate.
Country: US. 2007. 114mins
Half the man he was: Ray Winstone as Beowulf has been digitally transformed into a he-man with an odd resemblance to Sean Bean
Titter-worthy: Anthony Hopkins is among the cast who have been reduced to mouthing silly lines
Slippery when wet: Angelina Jolie plays the sylph-like be-tailed dragon mother
"See you in the morning, Odin willing," says Anthony Hopkins's King Hrothgar to Ray Winstone's Beowulf in Robert Zemeckis's 3-D version of the oldest and potentially most boring epic in the English language.
At this point, Hopkins is wearing what one can only call a revealing shroud, saucily slit down one side, and drinking much too much mead - as one might if one had gone to bed with one's mother-in-law and been rudely refused conjugal rights.
But at least you can recognise him, unlike our Ray as Beowulf, who has been digitally transformed into a chunky he-man resembling Sean Bean who fights stark naked, causing the film-makers to place various pieces of furniture in front of his vitals so as not to disturb the sensitive.
The 3-D makes this easy enough to accomplish, but even so, it's a relief that the vitals in question don't come swinging towards us like the spears, pots of mead and the severed heads of dragons that do jump out of the screen. This would be an amazing movie, much like Zemeckis's The Polar Express, if only the screenplay had been less titter-worthy.
Perhaps I simply don't get it, and Zemeckis's intention was to make an adventure story about ancient times with some post-modern humour attached. But I don't think I can remember a cast of such skilful actors, who include John Malkovich as Unferth, the King's son, Robin Wright Penn as the young Queen and Angelina Jolie as the sylph-like be-tailed dragon mother, reduced to mouthing such silly lines.
But, I suppose, the 3-D spectacle is the thing. And that, once you accept some jerky movements from the principals, is great fun. Beowulf's fight with the dreaded dragon who has cursed the King is particularly well accomplished. But why no loincloth, for heaven's sake?
The background work, too, is smashing, though nothing like as detailed as Pixar's Ratatouille and, if the screenplay does one thing decently, it is to make some sort of sense of a most confusing story.
Here, Beowulf comes to rescue the King from the dragon, falls for the Queen, is tempted by the dragon's mum and goes from being a boorish thug to a soldier of honour. To hell with the poetry of the original text, which was largely written by monks who probably edited it as much as Zemeckis does.
I don't think, however, they would have sanctioned the line uttered by one of Beowulf's henchmen to a busty Danish beauty: "How about a gobble?"
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