The 3D is sparkling at times but flat and wonderless compared to Avatar
Alice In Wonderland
Theatre
This is a satisfying and intelligently conceived production. It’s fluent, very funny and at times dazzlingly well-acted
Private Lives
Restaurants
A swathe of west London will be swooning ... this is as good as pizza gets
Franco Manca
Who knew Kim Cattrall was such a sensational stage actress? And Matthew Macfadyen doesn't seem to be able to put a foot wrong
The Orange isn't just a 'swishy gastropub' but a clever combination of various pub/dining experiences all under one roof
Dizzee Rascal and Lily Allen, two giants of pop shared the stage for what was sure to be an incredible evening.
London,
Derek Malcolm's rating
Reader rating
Dir: Robert Zemeckis.
Cast: Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Brendan Gleeson
Description: Blessed with the strength of some 30 men, Beowulf answers the call of corrupt king Hrothgar to slay the ogre Grendel, which has been terrorizing his kingdom for months. Beowulf succeeds, ripping the beasts' claw from its socket, and fatally wounding his prey. Hrothgar, Queen Wealthow and their subjects celebrate but Grendel's mother exacts a terrible revenge by abducting the king's trusted warrior Aeschere. Beowulf and his brethren give chase, determined to rescue Aeschere from his hellish fate.
Country: US. 2007. 114mins
Half the man he was: Ray Winstone as Beowulf has been digitally transformed into a he-man with an odd resemblance to Sean Bean
Titter-worthy: Anthony Hopkins is among the cast who have been reduced to mouthing silly lines
Slippery when wet: Angelina Jolie plays the sylph-like be-tailed dragon mother
"See you in the morning, Odin willing," says Anthony Hopkins's King Hrothgar to Ray Winstone's Beowulf in Robert Zemeckis's 3-D version of the oldest and potentially most boring epic in the English language.
At this point, Hopkins is wearing what one can only call a revealing shroud, saucily slit down one side, and drinking much too much mead - as one might if one had gone to bed with one's mother-in-law and been rudely refused conjugal rights.
But at least you can recognise him, unlike our Ray as Beowulf, who has been digitally transformed into a chunky he-man resembling Sean Bean who fights stark naked, causing the film-makers to place various pieces of furniture in front of his vitals so as not to disturb the sensitive.
The 3-D makes this easy enough to accomplish, but even so, it's a relief that the vitals in question don't come swinging towards us like the spears, pots of mead and the severed heads of dragons that do jump out of the screen. This would be an amazing movie, much like Zemeckis's The Polar Express, if only the screenplay had been less titter-worthy.
Perhaps I simply don't get it, and Zemeckis's intention was to make an adventure story about ancient times with some post-modern humour attached. But I don't think I can remember a cast of such skilful actors, who include John Malkovich as Unferth, the King's son, Robin Wright Penn as the young Queen and Angelina Jolie as the sylph-like be-tailed dragon mother, reduced to mouthing such silly lines.
But, I suppose, the 3-D spectacle is the thing. And that, once you accept some jerky movements from the principals, is great fun. Beowulf's fight with the dreaded dragon who has cursed the King is particularly well accomplished. But why no loincloth, for heaven's sake?
The background work, too, is smashing, though nothing like as detailed as Pixar's Ratatouille and, if the screenplay does one thing decently, it is to make some sort of sense of a most confusing story.
Here, Beowulf comes to rescue the King from the dragon, falls for the Queen, is tempted by the dragon's mum and goes from being a boorish thug to a soldier of honour. To hell with the poetry of the original text, which was largely written by monks who probably edited it as much as Zemeckis does.
I don't think, however, they would have sanctioned the line uttered by one of Beowulf's henchmen to a busty Danish beauty: "How about a gobble?"
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Afternoon:
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