This sci-fi thriller — co-written by Bruce Dickinson, frontman of the heavy-metal band Iron Maiden — attempts to capture the spirit of occultist Aleister Crowley. Crowley was mad and bad. What a coincidence: so is the film.

Dickinson’s big idea is that Crowley (who died in 1947) would fit perfectly into the modern world. It’s the year 2000 and a physicist from California, Dr Joshua Mathers (Kal Weber), wants to link his virtual reality suit to the world’s biggest computer, the Cambridge-based Z93.

The technician involved in the project is a Crowley fan and, thanks to his meddling, Crowley’s spirit is able to take possession of a daft old classics professor called Haddo (Simon Callow). Dickinson obviously knows a lot about Crowley. And the Bible. And, quite possibly, physics. Quite rightly, he thinks the world is in a mess (a running gag involves the American election). You begin to think he may be the new Philip K Dick.

But wait — everything else about the film is pants, so don’t refile Dickinson as a genius just yet. His collaborator, Julian Doyle, is a diabolical director. The film — crammed with Vaseline-shiny female breasts — looks like a soft-porn version of Dr Who, with a couple of tired pop promo tricks thrown in. A host of unknown actors are as earnest as they are dreadful. As for Callow, he should know better.

If The Beast does live on in a parallel universe I imagine Chemical Wedding will have him head-butting the wall in fury. Should anything now befall Dickinson and Doyle, we’ll know who to blame.