Morning:
8°c
My boyfriend's sex drive is too low. Should I dump him?
Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker19 May 2009
They are candid, provocative - and totally at odds with each other. Our resident 'sexperts' Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker offer conflicting advice on Londoners' sexual dilemmas...
Question:- My boyfriend's sex drive is lower than mine but otherwise he's perfect. My friends say dump him. What should I do?
Esther says:
I hope for your sake that this disparity in "sex drive" is nothing more serious than you being a twice-a-day girl and him only wanting to do it when the conditions are just right - like a panda on a zoo breeding programme.
If you're not having any kind of sex for weeks on end, then he might be trying to tell you something with his actions that he's too lily-livered to say in words.
Some men do genuinely have low sex drives but most are unlikely to withhold sex for long, unless they're doing that thing that boys sometimes do: behave like such a pig that their girlfriend dumps them so they don't have to be the bad guy.
There are women who would think your problem is one that is nice to have. There are many relationships in which women are under a kind of sexual siege.
Their boyfriends interpret the slightest eye contact as a warm invitation to initiate sex and see nothing wrong with groping them or making lewd suggestions while they are trying to wash up, apply make-up or have a conversation on the telephone.
Some women find this annoying - intolerable, even. Some feel a bit inadequate that although they, like you, love their boyfriends and find them attractive, they don't have the inclination to have sex with them as much as they might. Just as I'm sure it's not fun having your advances rejected by your boyfriend, it's not that nice having to do the rejecting either.
So it's really up to you as to which problem you'd rather have; if you dump your otherwise "perfect" boyfriend, you will only end up with a different kind of problem with someone else.
Every relationship has a shortcoming, which will, if you allow it, split you up. Making relationships work has much to do with taking the decision to accept a certain shortcoming - and then living with it.
Having said that, sometimes it's hard to know how much you mind certain things. You should ask yourself: "Does my boyfriend's lower sex drive make me unhappy all the time, some of the time or never?"
If the answer is "Some of the time" or "Never", you should congratulate yourself on getting it mostly right.
If the answer is "All the time", then you don't need your friends to tell you that it's time to get out.
Nirpal says:
It may come as a surprise to many modern women that men aren't merely a form of soulless technology with which to fulfil their post-feminist "have it all" agenda - a sort of cross between an ATM and a Rampant Rabbit. We are real people with real feelings. And it's no doubt your inability to appreciate your boyfriend as a human being rather than an inadequate slab of meat that has kept his libido in a state of suspended animation.
Men are constantly blitzed with information on satisfying women. Countless books have been published on the subject; it is a regular topic in newspapers and on television shows; and no magazine can be printed these days without the obligatory feature on how to locate and adequately manipulate a G-spot.
In contrast, very little of any use has been uttered on how to pleasure men. So I'm going to let you ladies into the dark unspoken truth of modern gender relations: you're just as crap in bed in bed as we are. In fact, you're worse.
You think that just because we've had an orgasm we've actually had a good time. Given that men will climax using articles as dismal as a headless picture hastily torn from a pornographic magazine, our orgasms should never be regarded as proof of our fulfilment.
A man's biological drive has little to do with his desire for sex. Sex for us is about having an affectionate fun time with someone we like. It's when sex ceases to be fun and is mired in the politicking of a relationship that we lose interest in it.
If having sex is a make-or-break issue for you, despite the fact that everything else about your partner is perfect, you can't blame him for not wanting to do it. Having sex under pressure is like making the shift from being a funny guy at the pub to being a stand-up comedian - even the most gifted can freeze under the spotlight.
If you want to turn him on, start having fun with him. Go out and get drunk together; make him laugh; go away for a weekend in the sun. But most of all, be light-hearted and just enjoy his company for what it is.
It's when you've clicked mentally and are having your own private jokes and sharing knowing glances across the table that the chemistry will boil over in the bedroom.
Reader views (9)
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. He is 55 and I am 41. We have NEVER had intercourse. Ever. Not once in 9 months. We kiss and cuddle all the time, and we have oral sex, maybe every fourth or fifth night that we spend alone together. Mostly we kiss and cuddle. I have no idea why he has never initiated intercourse. In the first few months of our relationship I told him that it upset me. He would always say that he didn't want to hurt me internally (I have had some vaginal surgery in the past because of endometriosis). I assured him that wouldn't be a problem. Still, nothing has happened. When I get close like I might initiate it myself he rolls over for oral sex. I thought maybe he was concerned about impotence because of his age? But he stays hard for oral sex. We have never, ever, ever had "sex" and this is sooo weird to me. We are deeply in love and he is a very romantic cuddler but he seems to have no need for "sex" at all. I have never even seen him masterbate or touch himself down there. I am starting to have body image issues even though I have a good body and he is very complimentary telling me how pretty I am and that he loves my body. At this point I want to wait until he initiates "sex" but it's getting ridiculous. I feel like it's the biggest secret in the world. He is very manly, burly, macho, strong etc., and I'm sure no one would ever believe me. HELP!
- Cynthia, toronto on, 27/02/2010 04:32
Report abuse
If you think he's, who is otherwise perfect as you say, worth dumping because of this and you are willing to listen to your friends encourage you in this action then I feel sorry for the bloke and I question your value of relationships. Why don't you talk to him about this rather intimate problem rather than your friends?
- Paul James, London, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
Women are always saying men’s brains are in their pants and things like that; but they never mention it the other way around with their brains etc.
Perhaps if women had to do all the hard work instead of just laying back doing nothing at all; they would not be in such a rush to have sex either.
I recommend her boyfriend dump her; and get a good woman that just loves cleaning the house and washing up.
Us old boys know how to treat a lady; forget the flowers and chocolates; buy her vim and soap powder instead.
- Mickyinlondon, london, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
Take the bull by the horns and tell him you still find him attractive and want him, but does he feel the same?
If he does make you happy in every other way, maybe he just has other issues on his mind that have nothing to do with you and just can't talk about it. So give him a opportunity to get stuff off his chest. I do hope you find out where things stand between you and you can things work for both of you.
- Summer, London, England, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
MickyinLondon: how absolutely wonderful not to be married to you!
- Dectora, London UK, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
If he is avoiding sex then perhaps he is gay. I meet a lot of blokes who are now out of the closet but have been married or in long term relantionships with women because they feel a social pressure from families or friends to comply to expectations.
- Lee W, London, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
I can relate to you all the way. Don't listen to your friends, listen to your heart and mind. I have dated the same guy for 4 1/2 years, in the past year and a half he has rejected me. Everyone that meets him says he's gay. I have asked him if he was gay and he just answers why would you say that. Don't let yourself feel guilty anymore, and don't let him make you feel that way. Take your perfect relationship as a great friendly one. Don't wait until your in the old age home still waiting for him to change to make you feel wanted. Trust me rejection is very heart breaking....
Find a guy that loves you unconditionally and one that is compatable with you sexually. You can still be friends with your boyfriend, but why waste your years like I have. I refuse to take that abuse anymore, Love and Affection is a big part of a relationship. No battery operated toy will give you the affection you need from a man.....
Good luck in your search and enjoy your life you only have one on this earth!!!!!!
Cheri, Erie, USA
- Cheri, Erie, USA, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
I think you should also ask yourself what is fuelling your sex drive... Advice normally given to men in this situation is to look at other ways of being intimate other than the act of sex itself. If all else fails, and your b/f is perfect in every other aspect, buy a rabbit - and a large box of batteries!
- Adam, London, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
If you bought an appliance which ceased to work properly, you'ld take it back to the shop for a refund or exchange for a new one.
- Triffidqueen, Desk in London, 27/02/2010 03:32
Report abuse
