Morning:
13°c
I've had worse assignments.
“Curtis,” said my editor. “Profits at Gordon Ramsay's restaurants are down 90 per cent. He's used his own money to shore up his overextended empire.
“He's been accused of having an affair, calling an Australian woman a pig, and serving pre-prepared nosh in his pubs. Go to as many of his London restaurants in four days as you can.
“They're probably empty and serving terrible food, full of dispirited staff, disgruntled diners and toilets that look like the Somme. Oh, and find out if he's flogging endangered tuna.”
From past experience I know that Gordon Ramsay at Claridge's is excellent, the Boxwood Café is pretentious, and the Narrow in Limehouse — one of his three gastropubs — serves up a spectacular Thames view and execrable food.
It's long been said that Ramsay rarely cooks in his restaurants, and now that he has more than 20 venues worldwide, including New York, Paris, LA, Dubai, Tokyo and Cape Town, I'm curious to see if I can find him in a London kitchen.
A quick ringaround secures tables at six dining rooms over the following few days, including his previously unattainable eponymous flagship on Royal Hospital Road, at Murano in Mayfair and Maze in Grosvenor Square.
The six turn out to run the gamut from the sublime to the ridiculous in terms of price, quality, service and customer satisfaction, although some things are constant: tap water on offer, ethically sourced fish on the menu, a 12.5 per cent service charge on every bill. Oh, and uniformly nice loos.
The prices listed here are mostly for a three-course meal for two including wine, coffee and service.
THE DEVONSHIRE
126 Devonshire Road, W4, 020 7592 7962.
First impressions: Bland gastropub on the wrong side of the Hogarth roundabout with sluggish staff (understandable, given the kitchen is closed for half the week, so they are on half wages). Clientele is local or those seeking Ramsay grub (relatively) cheap.
How full: Half-empty on a Sunday night.
The F word: Fish and chips and bangers and mash are off; underflavoured duck breast salad and a mushy, nuclear-hot chicken and mushroom pie are disappointing.
The Gordon factor: Gordon never cooks here but he checks in, unannounced, every six to eight weeks.
Kitchen nightmares: Other tables complain of getting the wrong starters, cold side dishes and "a big lump of gristle in my pie, which isn't what you expect at a Gordon Ramsay restaurant".
The bill: £117.62.
Value for money: 4/10.
RESTAURANT GORDON RAMSAY
68 Royal Hospital Road, SW3, 020 7352 4441.
First impressions: Small, elegant, slightly sterile dining room, initially as quiet as a morgue, though exuberantly friendly staff take the edge off the formality. Guests are mostly tourists, predominantly American.
How full: Half-empty on a Monday lunchtime.
The F word: Vitello tonnato and sea bream from the £45 set menu are very good, sautéed foie gras and monkfish with chorizo from the £90 à la carte even better. Dishes on the £120 "menu prestige" presumably taste like angel's tears.
The Gordon factor: "He spends as much time as he can here when he's in London but he wouldn't barge head chef Clare Smyth out of the way in the kitchen."
Kitchen nightmares: The £8 supplement for cheese is steep.
The bill: £241.88.
Value for money: 8.5/10.
MURANO
20 Queen Street, W1, 020 7592 1222.
First impressions: Creamy, low-lit Mayfair dining room with decorated Murano glass wall panels and haughty staff. Guests range from middle-aged Irish and American tourists to young, designer-clad London couples, straight and gay.
How full: All tables occupied at 9.30pm on Monday.
The F word: Excellent, with even rustic Italian dishes such as lamb neck papardelle elevated to haute cuisine, and keenly priced at £55 for three courses given the quality. Casterbridge beef with creamy baked potato purée is sinfully good and the pistachio soufflé is a top seller.
The Gordon factor: This is the brainchild of Ramsay's protégé Angela Hartnett, recently and rightly named chef of the year, and she's cooking the night we're there, as she does "three or four nights a week".
Kitchen nightmares: The sommelier looks a bit sniffy when we choose a £65 chianti to accompany pasta, beef and - shock, horror - sea bass.
The bill: £210.38.
Value for money: 9/10.
MAZE
10-13 Grosvenor Square, W1, 020 7107 0000.
First impressions: Vast, multi-level, hyper-designed room, like a Thunderbirds set with beaming but oddly segregated staff: black waiters hold trays, white ones serve food. Guests include families, wealthy older couples and international businessmen.
How full: Absolutely packed on a Tuesday night.
The F word: Chef Jason Atherton's seven-course selection from his tasting menu of French dishes with a "cheeky" Asian twist is show-off food: the BLT "sandwich", reduced to layered liquids in a martini glass, is emblematic. Flavours are undeniably strong and the food is prepared with great care and thought but it's all a bit silly and exhausting.
The Gordon factor: This is very much Atherton's kitchen and menu: "Gordon is more like his business partner."
Kitchen nightmares: Puddings, including a "pliable" chocolate granache with dehydrated lime curd, are icky. With new sets of serving and sharing plates and cutlery for each course, the washing-up must give Maze a huge carbon footprint.
The bill: £183.36.
Value for money: 7.5/10.
YORK & ALBANY
127-129 Parkway, NW1, 020 7388 3344.
First impressions: Ramsay's first boutique-hotel-restaurant-gastropub, run by Angela Hartnett, has a huge bar in front, a compact dining room and terrace behind and "Nonna's deli" (named for Hartnett's Italian grandmother) to the side. Service relaxed and smiley, clientele Camden-trendy.
How full: Dining room two-thirds full on Wednesday lunchtime, bar sparsely attended, outside tables unoccupied.
The F word: Hearty, heavily flavoured and filling compared to Hartnett's elegant and delicate cooking at Murano - the côte de boeuf, £46 for two, comes on heaving, bloody trenchers and a starter of salmon is the size of a hockey puck. Cod tagine with spiced chickpeas, carrots and coriander is the standout dish.
The Gordon factor: Hartnett cooks here half the week but the day we were in head chef Colin Buchan was in charge.
Kitchen nightmares: Problems with the water supply delayed Y&A's opening last year; recently, it was closed for three days by a leak in the basement kitchen.
The bill: £78.75.
Value for money: 8/10.
FOXTROT OSCAR
79 Royal Hospital Road, SW3, 020 7352 4448.
First impressions: Ramsay's strangest acquisition, this poky Eighties hangout of Chelsea's demi-monde has been tarted up with stripy wallpaper and stripped of its famous bar but retains its reputation for rubbishy bistro food. It's closed for half the week, which may account for charming but utterly feckless service.
How full: Four-fifths full on a Wednesday night, of older locals, impoverished youngsters and American tourists who don't know better.
The F word: "Filthy" is my companion's judgment of his lobster pie with parmesan crust: we end up sharing my passable onglet steak. Chips good, starters indifferent, puddings skipped in favour of stiff and much-needed digestifs.
The Gordon factor: "God knows where he is," says former owner, now Ramsay's partner, Michael Proudlock.
Kitchen nightmares: The worse-than-mediocre, overpriced food.
The bill: £116.04.
Value for money: 2/10.
My conclusion? That eating six Ramsay meals on the trot is bad for the waistline and the wallet.
Also, that Ramsay is certainly overextended (see his latest accounts, right).
The pubs and Foxtrot Oscar are a disaster. Given that he can't fill Hospital Road, it's absurd that he plans shortly to reopen his other flagship Pétrus, in new premises in Belgravia (apparently to spite his former friend Marcus Wareing, from whom he's wrested control of the name).
Yet standards of cooking and service remain very high at the middle and top end of his empire.
The downturn in bookings means it's easier for ordinary Londoners to get a table in previously unattainable dining rooms, and set meal deals mean you don't have to break the bank (as long as you steer clear of the £11,000 Chateau Margaux at Hospital Road).
York & Albany is superb value. Hospital Road and - especially - Murano are great for a special occasion.
Maze, though silly, offers very fine cooking for those who like show-off food. So go, spend, savour. Bolster Gordon's faltering fortunes. Me? I'll stick to salad for a while.
Reader views (31)
Gorden Ransey from Hells kitchen is a sorry human being and The way he acts, talks and looks is proof of a hell, if he isn't from there surly he will be going there....
what a evil man!
please help keep him off our airways, we have enough problems..
- The Huk, USA
As an American, I have lived in the UK for 5 years and have always found the food marvelous. I am convinced that British pork is the best in the world, and one has not lived until having the magnificent salt marsh lamb. The locally sourced foods from around the country are a real treat for this Yank.
Most often stereotypes are just that. Dated recitations of non-reality.
- Bill A, Buffalo, New York, USA
Yeah, another American chiming in here. I've eaten at several of Ramsay's restaurants on both sides of the 'pond' and have found most of them to be decent value for price. His NY restaurant is a pricey but the food, quality, service, etc were also high.
Meals at Maze and a couple of his 'pubs' also good; not fantastic but certainly above average and on par with expectations. But as many have said - and continue to say - you don't go to the UK for the food. A few celebrity chefs don't make a cuisine and curry doesn't cut it for me.
- Globalist, New York, NY
Gordon Ramsay, are there enough words to describe him?
An egocentric monster
A foul mouthed fool
Gods gift to the sewer
A disgrace to himself, his country and the whole restaurant industry
Unattractive to almost everyone
Why does he even get air-time, it only feeds his feeling of self importance - he means nothing to most people who generally enjoy great food, created by ingenous, well mannered chefs.
What a joke this pathetic excuse for a human being is. Go choke on one of your mediocre creations.
- Susan, Perth, Western Australia
Keith Price -
I think you'll find that J. Leonard started it and we were merely pointing out the error of his ways. And anyway, isn't this all a bit "pots and kettles", Keith? I have noticed your name cropping up on enough articles on this website, seemingly on a daily basis! 
- Sarah Bradshaw, Enfield, Middx
Yes! A long time ago I switched this foul-mouthed boor off. "Celebrity chefs" in general are a puerile lot but this fellow's vulgarity and obvious low self-esteem were intolerable.
- Betty Goodfield, Birmingham, UK
Gordon is a great chef who simply has spread himself too thinly. He needs to think of himself like he would another chef with his own particular set of problems and think about what advise he would give him.
Grits is a southern U.S. food made from ground corn which is usually eaten with eggs and bacon. Most people eat it sparingly as it is a bit fatting and most southern people hardly eat it at all. It's pretty much the old-timers who eat grits anymore.
- Stanley Lucas, Florida USA
This article is SO British ... just can't avoid taking shots at Americans. Let's face it, America has forgotten more about food than England will ever know
Hey lennie the last time I heard you yanks were all sitting around in wigwams choking on raw buffalo meat until the Brits arrived
- Oliver, Brighton
Choke on it ,
Can't stand any "CELEB" cooks.
They just rip people off.
I'm of to the chippy .... bye.
- John L., Scarborough. N. Yorkshire. U.K.
Why oh why even bother to contribute to the coffers of this indecent individual? His restaurants are for wannabe's and show-offs. Of course you will be overcharged and ripped off.
- Javi, London, UK
The Narrow St Dining Rooms used to be a genuinely nice gastro pub, run by a nice bunch of Aussies...and was a dodgy biker pub called the Barley Mow before that...now been ruined by the sounds of it. What a shame.
- Alison, London
only the English could turn an article about their own int0 an attack on America. Pathetic.
- Keith Price, Luton, England
PS to J. Leonard -
And whatever else Gordon Ramsay can or can't cook, I bet he wouldn't try and flog grits!
- D Woodstock, London
F this and f that; we have all had enough really.There is simply no need for it.The shock factor has gone and thanks to him we have gutter language as per norm.Times change.
- Tony ,Essex, Harlow,UK
- J. Leonard, New York City, USA
You say "if you are eating well in Great Britain you must be eating breakfast".
J. Leonard, you don't know what you are talking about. Most British people do not eat breakfast. This is why we are not all the size of elephants like Americans are. Even those that do eat breakfast only have the amount of cereal or toast that an American person would use as a portion of their beloved grits smeared over everything else - and to those not in the know, grits is a gloopy substance rather like wallpaper paste but with extra salt - Americans pour huge dollops of it over any foodstuff they can get their hands on - it looks like pigswell, has no nutritional value and is seemingly quite pointless. No one who eats grits has any right to criticise the cooking habits of another country. Even deep fried mars bars would be better than grits!
- D Woodstock, London
I think the guy is an arrogant bully, his food is overpriced and actually, AVERAGE, but whichever way you look at it, hes taking a big income and he is still in profit - not bad for so many restaurants, and the aim of ANY business is to: 1.Survive and 2. Make Profit - he's doing both.
- Black Cabbie, London, England
Interesting to see that having turned over 35.57 million, this sad creature gives less than 3 thousand to charities.
Anyone paying to eat his over priced crud has obviously not read 'The Emperor's new clothes'
- Francesca, arundel
My Scottish friends are so embarrassed by this fool that they refuse to discuss him. They are rangers fans too, so have knoen what a complete liar he is for many years
- Keith Price, Luton, England
one has to laugh at the comments of J leonard, presumably he travelled all over the world eating only at restaurants that allowed his banjo a seat next to him.
- Scotty, london
To J Leonard of New York City
I think you are being over sensitive. I have gone back and re-read the comments concerning Americans and they are not critical of your countrymen in any way. One mentions that they don't know any better but that is the unfortunate experience of the vast majority of foreign tourists who come to London, I feel, not because there is anything inherently wrong with them as people.
However, the reason American tourists stand out amongst others is because you guys seem to have your voiceboxes set to maximum volume all the time! But you're not alone in this, the Germans are similar that way.
- Sarah Bradshaw, Enfield, Middx
I've always found it strange that anyone would would want to eat food cooked by angry men who shout and swear all the time. Dining out is supposed to a pleasurable and relaxing experience. The thought of a kitchen full of Ramsay-like characters completely ruins my appetite.
- Jethro Penzance, Bodmin
I would personally like to slap his face.
- Victoria, Cypress, USA
J. Leonard, New York City, USA
Not many brits would moot cooking cuisine and McDonalds in the same declaration and certainly not claim it to be a gastronomic pleasure; I hope you do not work for the New York tourist board as your selling skills are some what wayward of the mark
Have a nice day
- Gary, Brentwood
This article is SO British ... just can't avoid taking shots at Americans. Let's face it, America has forgotten more about food than England will ever know. We serve better food at McDonald's than 95% of all restaurants in Great Britain. I have traveled and eaten all over the world and I have to agree ... "if you are eating well in Great Britain you must be eating breakfast".
- J. Leonard, New York City, USA
Gordon Ramsay, over priced, over documented, over cooked food (most of the time) and should be OVER THERE ( anywhere but this country)
- Annie, Devon
Ramsey proves that the trick to greatness is knowing when to stop. He hasn't and has overplayed, overcooked and overstretched.
- Amazonmothe, hasting
He's taught our children to swear and to treat people with contempt. He should come with a government health warning. It's sad that some people support this nonsense and pay to eat his over-priced food.
- Jessica, london
the following are not accusations:
"He's been accused of... calling an Australian woman a pig, and serving pre-prepared nosh in his pubs"
they are proven facts.
- Scotty, london
Unfortunately I have experienced most of the restaurants covered in your article and I can only say that you obviously were very lucky. I have found his fare to be over priced and badly cooked especially in Foxtrot Oscar where the lamb sausages were inedible!
- Des Egan, london UK
Just tell him to F off
- Richard Edmunds, Rayleigh Essex
Affraid I and my family have had MORE THAN enough thank you.He's now become a Dinosauros and his customers all poncy.
- Serafim, london
