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Should you sleep with someone on a first date?
Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker28 Jul 2009
Q: Everyone says not to sleep with men on the first date, but I think that's so stupid and dishonest. Why should I pretend that I don't want to have sex? It's not the 1950s...
Esther says
If you don't want a relationship then you can go wild — sleep with him, don't sleep with him, escape through the bathroom window of the restaurant and sleep with someone else.
If you don't care what happens after that night, then your behaviour should be limited only by your imagination.
But if you think you might want to get into a relationship with a man — any man — don't sleep with him on the first date. After that it's up to you.
Just not on the first date!
The reason why is not because men don't respect a woman who puts out on a first date, it's because men don't respect themselves.
Men are lovely, handy and wonderful, but they are also repulsive, uncivilised and morally flexible — and they know it.
A lot of them need a woman, a female half, to counterbalance and cancel out their worst aspects; they also look for a woman who will make them feel special, because they are so useless at feeling special by themselves.
They're too busy wiping snot on the carpet or falling asleep on the sofa, face-down in a kebab, one hand down their pants.
What a man feels when a woman agrees to sleep with him on a first date, or within hours of meeting him at a party, is not that the woman is not special — but that he is not special.
After all, he thinks, how can she know? How can she know that he is an alright bloke and not an axe murderer? Maybe she does this with everyone?
Maybe he is not special to her. It's very much the principle of the Groucho Club — started by Groucho Marx because he didn't want to be a member of any private club that would stoop so low as to admit him.
But women are never told about this self-doubting, self-hating turmoil that goes on in a man's head. They're just harangued with that boring lecture about “Don't sleep with him, because he'll think you're a slag and won't respect you.”
This only instantly raises every woman's feminist hackles and makes her vow to get spastically drunk and shag men within minutes of meeting them to prove she doesn't care, to prove how modern she is.
So, although not sleeping with a man on the first date might make you feel like a dishonest little minx, and a traitor to the feminist cause to boot, it's just smarter all round to hold back.
And when you come across that breed of man who mysteriously vanishes after a first date when there hasn't been any sex, the smug relief you'll feel because you didn't jump into bed with him will make all the boring aspects of abstinence seem completely justified.
Nirpal says
You go, girlfriend! That's the kind of spirit that makes me want to click my fingers and roll my head like one of those fat divas in the audience of the Ricki Lake show.
Several thousand years of feminist struggle will have been for nothing if women still can't enjoy their sexuality without worrying about other people's judgment - including that of the man you're sleeping with.
Any woman who's been telling you to do otherwise is a hypocrite who's almost certainly, at one time or another, given in to the moment and let rip with someone she barely knows.
Women have as much of an appetite for thoughtless sex as men but have been trained to feel guilty about it.
If a woman finds a man physically attractive but isn't interested in him enough to want a relationship with him, it makes perfect sense for her to get her satisfaction as quickly as possible, without stringing it out over weeks or months.
Sometimes you just need to get laid, and it's stupid to pretend you want anything more.
When a woman does want something longer term, nothing will be lost if she sleeps with him on the first date.
Indeed, if there is a real chemistry, neither of you could have any say in the matter and you'll be swept along by something bigger than the both of you.
As long as you're having sex because you want to, and not because you're feeling needy and are desperate for someone to like you, having sex on a first date can be a thrilling experience.
Giving yourself permission to just enjoy yourself without any expectations can be liberating, freeing you from the illusion that sex has to involve a lot of emotional baggage.
Women who take ownership of their sexuality and express it on their own terms are always more confident than those who treat sex as a commodity to barter in exchange for security.
In my experience, women who don't rely on men at all, emotionally or financially, are the ones who get into bed the quickest. And I've loved them for it.
Men find the games women play with sex both juvenile and irritating.
We respect and desire women who know what they want, not those who think they can string us along as if we're horny teenagers.
Reader views (15)
"And when you come across that breed of man who mysteriously vanishes after a first date when there hasn't been any sex, the smug relief you'll feel because you didn't jump into bed with him will make all the boring aspects of abstinence seem completely justified."
...or he didn't like you as a person, and a second date was never going to happen. Or he didn't think he was going to get lucky, and phoned a another girl when he was off in the toilet.Men can be picky too. Sex on a first date / chance encounter at a party is usually down to a combination of reduced inhibitions and lust. Relationships start because of shared emotional connection, commonality of thought, and fulfilment of desire at varying degrees. It is not unknown for one to lead onto the other, but other factors such as existing relationships, poor performance, embarassment in the light of the day, or sexual incompatability often get in the way. Their is more than a modicum of truth in the adage that men think with their groins, as a biological imperative IS driving us, and it is most likely that a man will still think 'yay, I had sex' even after a most disastrous encounter.
- Marcus W, Guildford, England, 14/08/2009 17:17
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The laws of nature - those of natural consequence, just to name one, are mightier than any man/woman's will. Character is destiny and there's no way around that one. If you want the best for yourself, then be the best that you can be. As my Uncle use to say. "try to pee down Mother-Natures leg and she'll bury you!
- Michael, Olando, USA, 08/08/2009 07:43
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There are too many variables to take into consideration to make a rule whether to or not on the first date.
I myself HAVE slept with a guy on the first date. But I had known him for over a year. We weren't close friends but we talked often and flirted lots. When he finally asked me out I was over-the-moon because we'd built it up so much. I wasn't going to go home with him, but hey... if you can't follow your impulses sometimes than you must be very frustrated.
In short - the relationship burnt out very fast and didn't last... but it was one of the most fun nights of my life and he treated me like a Queen.
You can live your waste drawing lines... or live your life crossing them
- Celeste, Australia, 07/08/2009 02:35
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Sex on a first date is always a bad idea for men and women at the end of the day men dont respect women that put out and not only that how can we respect ourselves if we put out!!! and for men, women dont like men that want sex on a first date because they feel like that arent respected. xx
- Kay, London, 31/07/2009 13:51
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Having learned what's wise to disclose on a first date, I can assure Esther that the more wealth they learn you have, the more likely they are to want to sleep with you. Esther's comments on women holding back if they want a relationship is totally counter to reality. That said, I never sleep with a woman I've just met until I've learnt whether they have self-esteem issues, confidence issues, are bunny-boilers, have body issues, parent issues, emotional issues, have a fashionable syndrome, ever made false accusations, lie about contraception or are on anti-psychotic medication. That's far too much to discover on a first date.
- Grahame, Bristol, UK, 30/07/2009 07:14
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Doesn't anyone worry about catching Aids! And don't anyone remind me of condoms please - I am not naive. What ever happened to good old fashioned romance and love. I am no prude, I would like to think that I am modern, a feminist, feminine and I even like SOME men. I am not a lesbian nor am I biosexual. I have no hand ups and I love myself, flaws et al. However, I have never had a one night stand, wouldn't stoop so low as to meet someone and have sex without getting to know them a bit first - I gladly leave that to the pro's, that is what they get paid for. On the other hand I have had plenty of wonderful and not so wonderful relationships, a great deal of sex and a lot of fun. I respect myself and the men/man in my life. I hate the word shag, it is so crude! and I don't like the way young people use eachother for their own selfish means. Come on world lets learn from the past and improve the future or is it that we are just turning into a civilization of throw backs!
- Ashly Smithson, st albans, 29/07/2009 09:28
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for neither Esther or Nirpal to mention using a condom on first date sex is totally irresponsible journalism and is the single most important factor responsible for disasters such as happened to Jay Goody
- Tim, London, 29/07/2009 04:48
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Going on the direct experience of my female friends and myself, most men are dreadful in bed the first time. So a one-off is of little practical value as a sensual experience. Why turn yourself into the equiv of a disposable blow-up doll?
- Jane Rochester, london uk, 28/07/2009 23:27
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Let's just roger each other senseless and forget about the STDs.
- Geek Freak, Paris, Texas, 28/07/2009 21:37
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tHIS IS so SAD - ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP STILL BELIEVES THAT SEX IS SOMETHING SPECIAL, AND DOES NOT HAND IT OUT TO JUST ANYONE, LIKE A TUBE OF SMARTIES ... SADLY, SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT SEXUAL INTIMACY IS A TRUE PRIVILEGE AND RESERVED ONLY FOR TRULY SPECIAL PEOPLE. SADLY, THOSE WHO DO NOT RECOGNISE THE TRUTH OF THIS. WILL FOREVER BE DENIED THAT 'SPECIAL' RELATIONSHIP. DONT BELIEVE EVERYTHING THE PAPERS AND MAGAZINES TELL YOU!!REAL LOVE, WHICH INCLUDES SEXUAL PLEASURE, IS OUT THERE - ONLY IT DOES NOT AND SHOULD NOT COME FREE WITH THE CORNFLAKES PACKET.
- Cassandra, nOTTS, 28/07/2009 21:22
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Like Esther said.
- Jack, Melbourne, Australia, 28/07/2009 14:35
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So Esther & Anna are experts on what men think huh?
the fact that they overthink the question of whether it matters either way if you sleep with him on the first date, would suggest they still have some way to go.
what you really mean, is that you don't think men 'should' respect a girl like that, just like you don't respect that more 'adventurous' girl in your circle of friends.
If men respect her equally, to you, then your moral pronouncements and positions have amounted to nought.
the real moral? don't overthink it and do what you want, when you want, because YOU want.
- Scotty, london, 28/07/2009 14:29
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"They're too busy wiping snot on the carpet or falling asleep on the sofa, face-down in a kebab, one hand down their pants."
Don't recall meeting Esther, but from that description I think she must have dated me.
- Prototypical Englishman, Wormwood Scrubs, 28/07/2009 13:42
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So true - Esther you talk a whole lot of sense. I think men are more like us women than we're ever let to believe if we followed all the nonsense that get's churned out in magazines and awful self-help books.
I’ve never slept with someone on a first date- not because I think they wouldn’t respect me, but because I quite like to know them before we go there. But I have had on night stands – and as long as you’re both aware that it’s just sex and have fun then it’s all good..
- Anna O, London, 28/07/2009 11:14
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No should treat them with respect and stay awake, what type of message is that when you fall asleep?
- William, Hay~Heath UK, 28/07/2009 10:50
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