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Nirpal and Esther
Sexperts: Nirpal and Esther answer those tricky questions

Is it unreasonable not to want my girlfriend posing nude for an art class?

Esther Walker and Nirpal Dhaliwal
14.10.09

Q: My girlfriend wants to pose nude for an art class to make extra cash. I don't want her to do it. Am I being unreasonable?

Esther says...

I've always marvelled at how, if given total control over what their girlfriends wear, some men would dress them in skin-tight, low-cut clothes and others would stitch them up like an escapee from an Amish community.

You've obviously never been to a life drawing class. Let me describe the scene. Your girlfriend will be lying on a musty chaise-longue, which has been draped in a sheet “for texture”.

She will be surrounded by perhaps eight old biddies in smocks, Clarks sandals and half-moon glasses, clutching a brace of paintbrushes and feeling pleasantly squiffy after sniffing too hard at an open bottle of white spirit.

Any man at the class will be gay, especially the art teacher. Any woman under the age of 90 will not be a lesbian Shakira lookalike on the hunt for a straight woman to toy with.

I can't really imagine a more un-erotic scene involving a naked body.

If it's not the threat that your girlfriend might meet someone else that's bothering you and what's keeping you awake at night is the mere fact that she will be taking off her clothes and showing herself to strangers in general, then I think you might need to address your issues of possessiveness.

To crouch over your girlfriend like Gollum, not wanting your precious to ever leave the house or accidentally reveal an ankle to the milkman is weird. And I'm sure, deep down, you know it.

Nirpal says...

Most people take bar work or get a Saturday job in Tesco when they need extra cash. Posing nude, in any circumstances, is merely exhibitionism.

And you should test her liberal outlook by telling her that if it's OK for her to bare her body to others, then it's alright for you to look at other people's.

See how she feels when you start hanging out at strip joints and excuse yourself by returning with a few doodles you made on a paper napkin.

The urge to take your clothes off in front of strangers you have no intention of having sex with is something that only seems to afflict white people. Don't believe me?

Then why is a nudist beach the only place whiter than a Klan meeting? When people in other cultures go naked in public it's because clothes aren't affordable or haven't been invented in their part of the world yet.

Maybe your girlfriend feels a need for shameless pagan abandon. Or maybe she believes that Gok Wan helps "empower" women by persuading them to strike silly poses with their kit off.

Ever since Calendar Girls became a success, a lot of women think that going starkers is some kind of feminist badge of honour - whatever they look like.

From the nude studies I've seen my artist friends make, the people who pose for them are generally flabby and unattractive, with wildly excessive body hair.

If your girlfriend is in this category, her ambition gives you a convenient reason to dump her.

Your objections are valid, but this could be a wake-up call for you to consider what kind of weirdo you've got mixed up with.

Send any sex questions or ideas to us at es.sex@standard.co.uk

Reader views (17)

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Everyone that is saying it's up to her and he has to live with it should realize that if it really bothers him, He could leave her. So this could come down to her choosing between them. I understand his worry.

I think esther could be argued as backwards when saying he shouldn't worry about people seeing her naked and just worry about someone stealing her. Some could say that worrying about others sweeping her off her feet is just irrational jealousy and total doubt of their love. While others seeing her naked is like giving out a privilege that one may feel should be left in a relationship.

- Nathan, Tampa, Florida, USA

I hate when people try to shove their moral code down other people's throats. Unfortunately, that is what the majority of the comments are trying to do. What is possessive to one person is caring and fair to another. What is fair to you relationship wise may be possessive to a swinger. Everything is relative.

Here is what you should do:

Ask your girlfriend if she would do the modeling without hesitation if you had no qualms about it? Ask yourself if you can be happy (not just tolerate) knowing that other men and woman are seeing her nude? Both of you need to be honest with yourselves. If both your answers are at the opposite ends of the spectrum, then the two of you need to decide if you are right for each other (probably not judging by your different takes on sexuality and loyalty). If either one of you is unsure, then maybe it would be ok to to give in to the other person's wishes and see how the relationship goes from there.

Remember, no one knows and understands the life you have lived better than yourself. Be honest and do what will make your life more pleasurable in the long run, while at the same time making sure you don't control your girlfriend's life. In other words, if you are still adamant about her not posing nude, and she is still adamant about doing it, walk away from the relationship for the good of both of you.

- Reason, United States, Austin,Texas

Esther shows a monumental prejudice against art students and their teachers, Nirpal is clearly very prudish.

I remember getting a real buzz out of modelling for an artist once and all that I was modelling was my hand. How could that be exhibitionism?

All you need to be able to model naked for a life class is to be at ease with your own body, surely that is a healthy state to be in? The converse is body-shame and that can be very harmful.

I know a lot of naturists who are also life models, maybe the two things go together. My advice to the boyfriend? Try naturism together (on a beach or at a club or in your back garden) then you will understand that nudity does not equal sex and that it is simply a great feeling of freedom.

- Brian Taylor - Pro For British Naturism, Tamworth, Staffs, UK

She shouldn't even ask permission. He's not her master. Just inform him what you have chosen to do, and do it. He will either grow up and deal with it...or he won't.

She is an independent person, and should act as one.

- Robert, San Francisco USA

As an artist who attends life drawing classes regularly, I've seen hundreds of nude models from all walks of life - young and old, attractive and plain, gay and straight, white, black, yellow, brown - there is no stereotypical art model, anymore than there is a stereotypical art student. The classroom setting is very professional - there is nothing erotic about it, and models are treated with respect. Most models I've spoken to do the job for the money - but that's not to say it's an easy job to do; holding poses for up to half an hour without a break is very physically taxing and requires concentration and skill. However, some models also do it because they enjoy the feeling of gratification of participating in the creation of art. If that makes them a "weirdo", then well, you've got a problem, mate.

- Iyvie, San Francisco, USA

I've been a figure model for life drawing classes. It's really no big deal if you don't make it one. The artists there aren't interested in OMGSEX. They're interested in being able to draw the contours of the human body as accurately as possible without having clothing in the way. For me as the model, it's a couple hours of holding a position for anywhere from two to thirty minutes, trying to not scratch the itch on my nose, and being as surreptitious as possible about relieving cramped muscles. Oh, and trying not to shiver too much if it's chilly. The bonuses are the pay, and getting to see the different interpretations that each of the artists has on the same pose.

I've never had anyone say or do anything inappropriate, and I've never felt anything but respected. Thinking of life drawing as sexual is like thinking of Michelangelo's David as pornography--sure, you could, but you'd be entirely missing the point.

- Btdt, Portland, OR, USA

The boyfriend should feel lucky to have a girlfriend that comfortable with herself. As a straight guy that has taken several life drawing classes, there's really nothing sexual about it....like Martha said, it's like painting a bowl of fruit.

- Kai, RVA

As a pro photographer (with a lovely wife in her sixties) who photographs a lot of beautiful women and the occasional hunk nude, I feel you are being totally unreasonable. I also find your comments racist as models I have worked with recently included oriental and afro-caribbean and they were brilliant. Get a life, and let your girlfriend do what I see as very reasonable before your attitiude causes her to show you the door - permanently... and I wouldn't blame.

- Barney, Lewes, UK

Esther is right, Nirpal is so far off base that he's not even in the ballpark. His analogy is totally backwards, the situation doesn't give him permission to go to strip clubs, it gives him permission to be a life model, though.

What's going to happen? Some people will see her naked. So what? Where's the harm? She's obviously comfortable with that or she wouldn't be considering the job. There's nothing resembling infidelity here.

Nirpal is simply hung up on the nudity.

- Loren, Las Vegas, Nv, USA

I agree wih Esther - dump Nirpal

- Curiousguy, Denmark

The issue is that this man's girlfriend wants to earn some money by working as a professional artist's model. Nothing whatsoever to do with naturism or pornography. It's not a philosophical attitude or being involved in the sex trade - it's a job with a long history in every country - wherever and whenever artists have painted people! Artists models can also function as a muse; Lizzie Siddall springs to mind as one example.

- Jentry, London UK

You could let her try,

There is a difference in nudism or naturalism and pornography. Nudism believes in the freedom from the restrictions of clothing, Porn is for sexual gratification. And you may need to check naturistspace.org out there.

- Sara, adger

I don't think it is unreasonable that a boyfriend could disapprove of that situation. Perhaps he sees it as a way of protecting her dignity, because her cares for her. The girlfriend doesn't know what the other students or teacher may think of her personally for doing that, or what thoughts may be racing in the other people's minds. For not all people are good people, or at school "just to learn". However, it is the girlfriend's life and what ever decision she made she would have to live with.

- Bettyjames, Neon city

Esther clearly *hasn't* been to an art class, or she just thinks its funny to be unnecessarily bitchy. My class has around ten people in it, of completely varying ages and sexual orientations. We've just had our first live model, a man. I found myself looking at him exactly the same way as I would a bowl of fruit, just looking at the textures and shapes but definitely not considering him as a potential date.

The model should dump her excessively possessive boyfriend at once, btw.

- Martha, London

Yes you are being unreasonable with your girlfriend.

You are only being unreasonable if you want to see my woman in the nude.

- Mickinlondon, london

Esther is right. Being an artist's model has a long and interesting history - and is a perfectly reputable way of making a little extra cash (I would also refer interested readers to Quentin Crisp's experiences as a professional artist's model). This is not about sexuality - it is about modelling for artists to draw or paint the human form. The petty jealousy, insecurity and philistinism her boyfriend displays is ample reason to dump him - he should grow up.

- Jentry, London UK

I agree with Nirpal here. Dump her.

- Peace Maker, Battersea


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