Current affairs: why cheating is better than divorce

Its CEO, 39-year-old Noel Biderman, is a happily married Canadian father of two, the son of two lifelong partners who were virgins when they met. Yet this well-educated former lawyer, steeped in monogamy and its rewards, now harvests a fortune from the adulterous deceit of seven million members, spread across nine countries. He expects to have 200,000 Londoners using it by Christmas, eventually reaping £10 million in the UK.

It's not a romantic site. Browsing through what's on offer around me in Camden, I was presented with a rogues' gallery of malcontents. A mousy-haired 35-year-old calling herself Intertwined75 declares, "I'm sick of always having to be the one who initiates the sex in our house. Just for once I'd love for him to walk in the door and ravish me... you know, grab me and push me up against the wall and kiss me so hard that my panties fall down around my ankles!"

As well as blindfolding, sex toys and a man who's good with his hands, she likes picnics, dancing and romantic walks. And though she's a busy working mum she says she can "still enjoy the above, when I can get the old sod off the couch, of course".

The site is worth visiting just for comedy value. But, though I sympathise with those frustrated with monogamy and feeling the urge to stray, clicking through their profiles eventually made me sad. Adultery, as I know from experience, might provide a quick hit of excitement but it's driven by, and contributes to, a lot of unhappiness.

In my case, adultery didn't provide any escape from my life and marriage but the opposite. All the issues remained exactly the same, only now heightened by the added problems of guilt, confusion and the fear of getting caught. And then, on discovery, came the inevitable fallout — an acrimonious, blame-ridden separation. My advice to would-be adulterers is that infidelity changes nothing other than adding a pile of crap to your situation that wasn't there before.
Isn't Biderman simply exploiting people? "You can't blame the bookie for the guy who blows his pay cheque, and you can't blame Ashley Madison if he has an affair," he retorts. "I'm just reacting to society's behaviour.

"If 30 per cent of people who use mainstream dating sites are already in relationships, if they're having affairs at work which jeopardise their jobs or lead to unfair promotions, if they're visiting escorts and breaking the law, aren't we be better off cannibalising those destructive behaviours? Instead of it impacting on all these other areas, why not give them an aggregated community of their own, where they're all like-minded adults who know what they're getting into?"

What does his wife think of all this? "She respects me as a father and a husband, and she respects me as an entrepreneur. We talk about this and she's honest and would prefer it if I did something more constructive."

Using dating technology that's widespread on the gay scene, he's launched an iPhone app that enables members to locate one another via GPS. Within minutes of arriving somewhere on a business trip, you can find fellow two-timers who are in town and looking for a legover.

Are straight people moving towards the promiscuity common among gay men? "The same-sex community would argue that they're becoming more conventional and are pursuing the institution of marriage," he replies. "But lines are getting blurred. I don't know if people are cheating more these days or if we're just more aware of it.

"Presidents since time immemorial have had affairs, and the TV show Mad Men is about Madison Avenue in the Sixties, when the secretary pool was a de facto affairs club. Affairs have always been linked to opportunity and never before have we had the opportunities we do now — thanks to the internet."

We do indeed live in a digitally enabled Brave New World. Even Facebook has become such an effective forum in which people meet and hook up with strangers, as well as acquaintances and blasts from their past, that it has earned the nickname F***book.

Biderman's site is a litmus test for modern hypocrisy. While being lambasted live on Fox News by the Catholic conservative Sean Hannity, the site simultaneously crashed due to traffic overload, making Biderman realise that the Right-wing channel was the ideal place for him to advertise. Fox, of course, refused, as has almost every other media outlet: "I have millions to spend but no one wants to talk to me about promoting Ashley Madison. Everyone is acting as if this era is not upon them, acting in an archaic fashion and getting into notions of morality and what is acceptable.

"We tried to advertise during the Superbowl but the NFL said, No, we're not going to allow this ad'. This is the NFL, whose players are arrested for sexual assault, for drunk driving and attempted murder. They're going to be the bastion of morality for America? That's ridiculous."

Biderman regards himself as a revolutionary against what he calls the Marital-Industrial Complex: "It's a trillion-dollar industry, selling self-help books, web services and social work. It needs a villain and that villain is infidelity."

Our moral emphasis on monogamy is misplaced, he believes, citing Japan and France, societies where infidelity is more accepted and divorce rates are lower, as examples of a healthier model, and the fact that couples in open relationships report fewer break-ups. But shouldn't people talk to their partner before embarking on an affair. "The majority of couples who enter marital counselling end up getting divorced," he replies. "But most relationships survive an affair. For many, it proves to be a test of what they meant to each other. It may have been a painful wake-up call, but they got that wake-up call and 10 years later are in a functioning relationship."

Speaking about my own adultery, I tell him that my outlook is the opposite of his tagline, that life is long, with plenty of time for regret.

"That's only your experience," he replies. "Many others have no regrets and feel like they've earned it.

"I'm happily married but let's say my wife was no longer interested in me and we didn't have a sex life any more, I don't think I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't stray. I know what I wouldn't do, which is walk away from my children and my economic situation just because my sex life had dried up. I would recommend an affair long before I would recommend a divorce."

In his way, Biderman claims to be holding a mirror up to society. "Just as we look over our shoulder at previous generations and are shocked that they didn't allow same-sex relationships or interracial ones, future generations may look back at us and be surprised at our attitude to infidelity."

How Londoners hook up - six online matchmakers
Over music: Log in to Last.fm and its Tastebuds section will match you to London singles who listen to the same tunes as you. Or enter your favourite bands on the site separately and see who comes up.
Through food: Onlylunch.co.uk puts together smart executives with fancy food. Their minions will set you up, book a time and reserve a table at Browns, Bertorelli's, Livebait or Como Lario.
Location dating: Using a StreetSpark app, you create a personal profile including your date preferences after which a personal matchbox flashes up with singletons who you can contact within walking distance in London. Grindr is a location-based dating app for gays which shows pictures, stats and map locations of local guys.
Ask a friend: Mysinglefriend.com is the original friend recommendation dating site. Getting a mate to give you a good write-up takes the embarrassment out of having to create your own profile but you can still choose who to get in touch with once the profile goes live.
After-work dating: Lovestruck.com is the one we all know from the Tube ads — you sign up, name your workplace and hook up over lunch, preferably away from prying colleagues.
Personal ads: The London Review of Books has just published a compendium of personals and they're now available via twitter.com/LRBPersonal.