Johnny Sharp shows crime against rhyme

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Words fail us: R Kelly

Dodgy chat-up lines: Johnny Borrell

Any music fan can nominate their own examples of lyrics that flow as smoothly as a dead crocodile through a U-bend, make very little sense, or leave unwelcome mental images in their wake. You don't have to look too far because many of pop's most illustrious performers have dropped the odd clanger. Let's start with a couple of greats, then.

RHYMES WITHOUT REASON

Remember The Beatles' Ringo-penned ditty Don't Pass Me By and its couplet: “I'm sorry that I doubted you, I was so unfair — you were in a car crash, and you lost your hair”? When it was written in 1968, this line was taken to be further evidence for the conspiracy theory that Paul McCartney had died in a car crash some months earlier. Thankfully for him, it was merely evidence of what happens when you let the drummer write songs.

The Fab Four's American rivals The Beach Boys weren't averse to the odd howler, either.

Admittedly it's from a lesser-known 1977 album, but their song Roller Skating Child includes the line “I go and get my skates on and I catch up with her, We do it holdin' hands — it's so cold I go brrr!'”

None of these can quite match Aerosmith's Pink, however, and the aesthetically questionable observation: “Pink when I turn out the light. Pink — it's like red, but not quite.”

RHYMES AGAINST LOGIC

There's many a line in popular song that sounds impressive when it's coming out of a radio, but when you stop to think about it, you realise it makes no sense whatsoever.

Consider Take That's romantic gem Back for Good, and imagine the outcome on repeating the lines from the chorus to a girlfriend/boyfriend during an argument: “Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it. I just want you back for good,” which would surely be countered by: “You are unbelievable. So, you don't know what you said, or what you did — so how do you know you didn't mean it?!”

Other offending examples include Busted's 2003 hit, The Year 3000. “I've been to the year 3000,” they claim, “…and your great great great grand-daughter is pretty fine.” That just can't be. If a teenage girl's future great, great, great grand-daughter was of a similar age in 3000, then she, and her next four female antecedents would be giving birth to daughters at an average age of somewhere around the age of 197.

THE GOOD (BUT MISGUIDED)

Many a musician has fought the good fight, but they sometimes disregard the harm they do to our sensibilities with their well-meaning words.

The Cranberries meant to convey sympathy when they wrote their alarming historical tract, I Just Shot John Lennon, But you'd rather they hadn't bothered when Dolores O'Riordan sings the impossibly clunky line: “He had perceptively known it wouldn't be nice, and in 1980 he paid the price.”

Nickelback's If Everyone Cared is sillier still. “If everyone cared, and nobody cried,” Chad Kroeger argues, “and if everyone loved and nobody lied… then we'd see the day when nobody died.” Is he saying that the eradication of crying will extend human longevity indefinitely, succeeding where many thousands of mad scientists, vampires and Michael Jackson have failed?

Surely then the population would snowball to the point where we would have to implement radical, Logan's Run-style measures to keep the numbers down.

THE BAD

What a gloriously innocent time the Sixties were.

A time when Mick Jagger could sing, on The Rolling Stones' Stray Cat Blues, “I can see that you're 15 years old. No, I don't want your ID.”

Why, that's very open-minded of you, Mick. Bill Wyman, on the other hand, might have taken a keener interest in birth certificates, driving licences and the like.

Then again, that wasn't the only taboo subject that was promoted back then. Mungo Jerry's In the Summertime featured monster-sideburned singer Ray Dorset singing “Have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find.” We wouldn't recommend it.

THE UGLY

The very term rock'n'roll is a euphemism for sex, but there's always the temptation to leave too little to the listener's imagination.

For instance, did McFly imagine even their youngest fans were in any doubt as to what they meant when they sang on Star Girl “There was nothing on earth could save us, when I fell in love with Uranus”?

Still, some lyricists use even more graphic terms. “Let me put my love into you babe,” sang Brian Johnson on AC/DC's song of the same name. “Let me cut your cake with my knife.” Ouch!

THE SAUCY

Even when relatively subtle about lascivious intentions, a song can still sound pretty silly.

Can you guess what Alison Moyet meant when she asked on the aptly titled Love Resurrection, “What seed must I sow to replenish this barren land? Teach me to harvest, I want you to grow in my hand.” Thanks, Alison, but that's a little cryptic. How about another clue? “A warm injection is all I need to calm the pain.”
At least she's not insulting, unlike R Kelly, who tells a lucky lady on You Remind Me of Something: “Girl, you look just like my car.” Charming.

THE UNINSPIRED

Still, for a songwriter, it's probably better to suffer from an excess of fertility than writer's block. Sometimes lyricists just don't seem to know what to say. Many a tongue-tied lover has had an attack of speechlessness, but surely 50 Cent could have done better than his drooling proclamation on 21 Seconds: “I love you like a fat kid love cake.”

Oh Fiddy, you silver-tongued cavalier, you.

Such seductive chat-up lines are not for Razorlight's Johnny Borrell, however. “I met a girl,” he recalls on Somewhere Else. OK, we're all ears. And then? “She asked me my name, I told her what it was.” Pathetic. And I bet they both still pulled. These rock stars, they don't even have to try, do they?

Crap Lyrics — A Celebration of the Very Worst Pop Lyrics of All Time! by Johnny Sharp, is published on 1 June by Portico.

 

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