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Why fireman sperm donor MUST pay to raise our children, by lesbian mother
Last updated at 00:07am on 05.12.07The lesbian mother of two children conceived with a friend's sperm yesterday denied it is unfair to make him pay for their upbringing.
Terri Arnold, 25, had a boy and a girl after fireman Andy Bathie agreed to take part in a home insemination.
Bathie now has to pay £450 a month toward bringing up the two children produced using his sperm.
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Donor dad Andy Bathie and his children
He insisted he was only a donor and did not want take an active role in raising the youngsters.
But the mother has hit back, claiming the 37-year-old changed his mind and regularly saw his four-year-old daughter.
Terri Arnold, from Clacton, Essex, said Mr Bathie would take the girl to stay with him overnight and even took paternity leave to care for her.
She said: "At first the idea was that he wasn't going to have anything to do with the children. He said he was going to draw up a contract saying he had no responsibility for the children and that he would be Uncle Andy.
"He was Uncle Andy but after the christening he said he didn't want to be the uncle - he wanted to be the daddy. He was seeing her roughly once a month - she would stay over at his house.”
The mother of two became pregnant after a DIY artificial insemination. She said Mr Bathie originally wanted nothing to do with his daughter, who is now four, but started seeing her regularly after her christening when she was five months.
Ms Arnold said: "We were going to go to a clinic (to arrange a sperm donor), we approached our GP about it, but then Andy offered. He said it was probably his only chance to be a father. Andy was a friend of my partner and we trusted him.
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Lesbian mother Terri Arnold (left) and her former lover Sharon Arnold
"We've got photographs of our little girl at his home, we've got a box full of birthday and Christmas cards from him saying 'from daddy'. He bought her a silver trinket box and engraved it 'daddy'. He had been seeing her for two years, she became very attached to him.”
Ms Arnold said Mr Bathie helped pay for his daughter's pram and shoes and regularly bought her presents.
Two years after her birth Mr Bathie became the couple's sperm donor for a second time and Ms Arnold gave birth to a boy. He suffers from a serious digestive problem, which is being treated at Great Ormond Street Hospital.
Mrs Arnold, 25, said: "When we had the second child, we had a long discussion about it and we agreed he was going to have the same responsibility and he said, 'Fine, I'd love to have another one'. He went into it with his eyes wide open.”
Mrs Arnold gave birth to the second baby, a boy, at Colchester Hospital in Essex, in October 2005. She claims Mr Bathie asked to be present and even took paternity leave from the fire service to look after the elder child.
Mrs Arnold, who has since split from her partner, said that shortly after the birth of the boy, now two, Mr Bathie stopped seeing his children.
She said the fireman is not named as the children's father on their birth certificates but claims she was forced to give his name to the Child Support Agency (CSA) when they threatened to cut her income support.
Ms Arnold also stresses that she would be pursuing the case even if she and her partner were still together.
She said: "At the end of the day, he walked away. He knew full well. It is not like the CSA contacted him out of the blue.
"My son was diagnosed with a disability after he was born. He was still seeing my daughter on a regular basis. I couldn't return to work because of my son being in hospital so much.
"I was then informed by the CSA that if I did not give the father's details then my income support would be cut down, and I wouldn't be able to afford to live.
"How can be turn his back on his disabled son?”
She added: "He's portrayed me as just being after his money but I'm not. I don't care about his money - I just care about my kids, his kids.
"You can't play at being a dad for two years and then just leave. Our little girl kept asking when she was going to see her daddy again - what can you say to a child?
"The money is not for me, it's for their food, clothes and shoes. This is about a principle and I'll fight all the way. He wanted to be a father but he doesn't want the financial responsibility.”
Mr Bathie, from Enfield, has launched a legal challenge, thought to be the first of its kind, so that he is not recognised as a legal parent to the children.
He said he cannot afford to start a family of his own because of the thousands of pounds he has to pay in child maintenance.
He said: "These women wanted to be parents and take on all the responsibilities that brings. I would never have agreed to this unless they had been living as a committed family.
“I am already paying for a family…I'm not a high-flying City banker.”
But Ms Arnold today expressed her surprise at his desire for his own children, claiming he had told her and her partner that he did not want any.
"That's funny because just before he stopped seeing his daughter, he informed us that he and his girlfriend at the time did not want children," she said.
Mr Bathie said: "I don't have any particular ill will. It's the fact that I still even now don't see why I should have to pay for another couple's children."
Reader views (34)
messed up, its not his deal, its the lesbians deal for wanting to be parents, then again i dont agree with gays having children, its against natural selection. so on one side they are ****ed up and should deal with their problems, on the other, hes an idiot for trusting and helping them.
- Alexandro, siena, italy
Hmm, I heard of a very similar case before, but it was in Sweden. A friend of a lesbian agreed to a home insemination, then later on, she sued him for child support. I was outraged.
This is very different, however. It seems to me he took an active role in the daughter's life (and his actions towards the disabled boy seems very poor from my view). Admittedly, in most cases like this, I would be against the women as I view it as a break of contract and being money hungry, but in this case, Ms. Arnold is right.
The man was the one who broke the contract himself and willingly became a father figure. It's only right that he should help pay for the children when the mother is facing such hardship. A 'sperm donor' can't expect to play such an active role during the good times then leave during the bad.
- Vahn, Something, Something
That is why lesbianism, gay-iism must be abolished. Its yuck! The daughter will grow abnormally, and will wonder how she was born. Its immoral and a paranormal phenomenon!
- James Dyke, Grand Canyon, AZ
A deal is a deal and he broke it playing Dad. Gotta face the music.
- Ely, Phoenix
Wait a minute. They're going after the wrong person here. She's supposed to be going after her lesbian "lover". In reality, the only reason she's going after him is because she's desperate and her only hope is to screw this guy by crying to the law after she came to this guy to help her fulfill her dream of having kids. There's no recourse or responsibility when a gay partner bails on the family.
- Cj, USA
@Ian - I don't think the issue is whether the child is being raised by lesbians, the issue is there should have been a contract drawn up between Mr. Bathie and Ms. Arnold.
It sounds too like Mr. Bathie is conflicted about these kids. Either, you're in their lives and take an active role all the time, or you stay out of it altogether. It seems like he saw the child as long as it was interesting, convenient and still a novelty and then shuffled off when it got boring.
Mr. Bathie should pay child support - just because he got bored with his little hobby, gives him no right to suddenly abandon them.
- Renee, Vancouver, Canada
Wait a minute. I see two sides of this. He should not have created the emotional attachment to the kids if he did not want to be included in the raising process. BUT! She was in a domestic partnership and both women wanted the children so why isn't the former partner responsible in some way? I don't find all the blame in either parties but the three should take responsibilities equally. Sharon Arnold should not be free of the burden of monetary responsibility. My 2¢ 
- Tpahornet, Tampa, USA
granted they shouldn't have been so lax about making the rules for paternity. But being lesbians has no bearing on anything, children of loving parents grow up healthy and well adjusted regardless of their parents sexual orientation.
- Davin, Boston, USA
Being raised by lesbians is not the problem here -- the lesbian is not the one rejecting her children because one of them is disabled.
It's funny you're making a comment about the lesbian when it's the straight one who is being a really crappy parent, not being able to decide about the mattter and creating life-long issues for his children.
- Shaun, Atlanta Georgia
And why isn't her former partner being forced to pay child support as well??? She got to play parent too and seems to have gotten out of paying anything after she left the relationship. If they make him pay, she should probably pay as well.. seems only fair.
- James, USA
A deal is a deal and the lesbians broke it, they should have warned Baith about the financial consequences of seeing the child and if persistence then and only then demand money.
- Javs Ibma, madrid,spain
i feel he has a responsibility to these children!maybe he should think of the children after all they are part of him!
- C Foster, uk
The real issue must surely be the welfare of the child and being raised by lesbians.
- Ian, London
If he had just provided sperm and walked away never seeing the kids, I would agree that it was unfair.
But he 'played' at being Daddy, then cried foul when it was taken seriously. If you get pictured with your happy kid in your arms you're more than 'just' a sperm donor.
- Caroline, Rochester, UK
There may be a legal basis for asking the man for money but morally it's very wrong.
Those women wanted to be the two parents to the children - surely one of them can get a job, are they both living off benefits? They ought to be able to pay for the children between them, and the CSA shouldn't be looking any further than the two women.
He provided the sperm, but as he says they are another couple's children. Any involvement that happened after the first child was born will have been down to his not being heartless - it doesn't mean that he had always had the intention of being the 'daddy' even though he agreed to father the second child. He was doing what felt right to him in an unusual situation - I bet he wishes he hadn't met this selfish pair!
Shame on them!
- Rebeccar Rabbit, Midlands, England
Roger,
What if he'd just donated sperm at a sperm bank?
Whilst I admit this story sounds a bit more complex and it's not clear from the story on this page who is to 'blame' - I would suggest the lesbian partner who has left is at least as responsible as 'the father' for the cost of upbringing of this child (from a common sense and moral point of view.)
- Zorro, Kent
If a woman can get an abortion because it's "her body," then the law should be that unless the couple is in a legal relationship together the male doesn't have any say, or have to pay, at all.
- Jed H., California
In one article we have a change in the law so that sperm donors are not liable and that the lesbian couple are the "parents". In this article one of lesbian "parents" has left and so the remaining one asks the biological father to pay. Where is the other "parent" in all this? Thank heavens the law has changed and I hope that this man doesn't get landed because he has tried to help in the past.
- Ian, Vancouver, Canada
I can see this is going to be a Coronation Street storyline in a few months...
- Arthur Pantry, London, UK
The lesbians got the sperm but not the moral and financial support of this man. The lesbians should not have done this. Anyhow it does not sound very natural to me all these New Labour alternative living together schemes.
- Jacqueline, Hampstead, London
If he is the child's Father he should pay. No Excuses.
- Mick, London, England
Hector,
There simply is no legal way out of your financial liability. There is no document that you can sign to divest yourself of your responsibility for being the biological father of a child.
If you are the genetic father, then you will be held financially liable for the child until it is 18, regardless of any 'contract' you might sign.
- Roger, London
She wants the penny and the bun.
- Sam_M, London
Where is her partner in all of this? Surely she should be the one paying for the children and not this poor man. They both decided to have children and therefore had a responsibility. Andy gave them an opportunity and obviously trusted them by not having a legal contract drawn up. These women should be embarrassed.
- Jk, London
The CSA is a sham and the law a farce. These women are evidently completely irresponsible and morally deficient. If government (i.e. the CSA) has a role to play here, it's by protecting the children and handing custody over to the father.
- Bc, London, UK
Wow!
I was asked to do the same thing! After great consideration I did not. I am now so glad that I did not go through with it.
Never, never, never, will I consider this action again!
- Carl, London
He brought a child into the world - he can pay for it. Perhaps he thinks that everyone else should bring up his children for him. Shameless...
- Paul Davis, London, England
As a gay man who will be 'donating' to a lesbian couple next year with the same agreement as these people (i.e. I will be a part of the child's life but as an uncle and not as a parent) I must say that, regardless of current feelings for someone, in these cases a legal contract should always be signed.
I love my friends very much and am honoured to do this for them and help create a child out of love and be a part of watching that child grow.
However to ensure that both parties are safeguarded and boundaries are clear (esp from my side - knowing that I am not the daddy) a legal contract must be signed.
However on the same note sometimes situations change and in this case the couple split up. When entering into something so serious as creating a child you have to think ahead of all possible outcomes. I know that should my friends ever split I would have no issues in stepping in and paying up - because at the end of the day I will be/am a part of their family and that child shares my blood and if ever needed I would always be there for them and for the girls.
- Hector, Reading, Berks
What a blow to lesbian couples looking for a donor in a country where there is a such a shortage- or its too expensive! This is hardly going to encourage donors to donate for altruisitic reasons- and certainly not without a legal document.
Hope this gets resolved - legally - and when lesbian couples get married, they are prepared for the same rights and responsiblities with regards to children...don't break an agreement with someone who was only trying to help!
- Emma, UK
This is utterly ridiculous, and will ultimately hinder the chances of other lesbian couples of having a child, though I'm not sure that would be a bad thing.
- Paul, London
CSA take what they like when they like and there's nothing you can do about it. It ruins responsible fathers relationships with their children, and the ones that don't care seem to get away without paying a penny.
- Laney, West Mids
More tyranny from the minority. Never to be held accountable for their own actions and choices - always someone else's fault and responsibility. Reckless and selfish women like this should no longer be allowed to destroy our society.
- Trunk, US
"Sharon and Terri Arnold were not available for comment."
Of course they're not available. They don't have to pay for their responsibility this way. "Parents" without the financial responsibility. What a con job they did on this guy!
- Rogan, Dallas TX
It's so unfair. Those selfish ladies should be grateful to Andy forever. He made their dream come true; he's showed a gorgeous generosity by donating his sperm to a loving couple who isn't able to procreate their own children. Just can't understand why these ladies are acting this way, it's obvious they can't be trusted anymore, do they even have a single friend?
- Eder, Bilbao, Spain
