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My London: Will Self
By Charlotte Williamson Last updated at 00:00am on 08.11.01How long have you lived in London? All my life - that's 40 years.
Where do you live and why? The Stockwell/Vauxhall hinterland. The area was a compromise: when I married, my wife was living in Brixton and I was living near Notting Hill; I didn't want to live west particularly, and she liked the area. It was also a question of how much house we could get for our money.
Are you a member of any club? The Groucho - I'm a lifetime, honorary member - and the Colony Room.
What was the last book you bought? Tank by Patrick Wright. He is a fantastic, oblique social historian with a real eye for the absurd and humorous.
Do you have a favourite local restaurant? There is a string of very good Portuguese restaurants near here, including the Estrella, and a Spanish one called Rebato's. Both of these are good tapas places and in the summer, though you're risking your lungs, you can sit out front.
Where would you most like to spend a 'lost weekend' in London? In my spare room. It's very, very quiet and there's a large bed and about 4,000 books - everything from Rosemary Conley's Complete Hip and Thigh Diet to Spengler's The Decline of the West.
What's your earliest memory of London? I went back to my parents' house in Hampstead Garden Suburb the other day to show my own kids, and I remember very well the particular pattern of broken paving stones on the driveway.
When did you last lose something valuable and what was it? I had the notes for my next novel stolen from my living room. I came in one night and didn't shut the door properly. In the morning I heard the gate squeak and assumed it was the postman. Instead, someone had come into the house and stolen a rucksack with my wallet and my notes in it.
What is the most beautiful landmark in London? I both like and mourn the way the city changes inadvertently. Battersea Power Station is synonymous for me with decay. It has been decaying almost all my adult life and is being redeveloped now so soon all the decay will be gone. I can recognise the commercial necessity to posh it up, but I rather mourn the fact that it will be gone as a decaying object. It's decayed so marvellously.
And the ugliest? All centres of power are inherently unattractive because of their function. They're the toilets of the body politic. Buckingham Palace and the Houses of Parliament are pretty ugly. The new GLA building is turning out to be an eyesore, too. It actually looks like a sore eye - an eye that has been popped out of its socket and lain down by the river.
What is your favourite view? The view from Parliament Hill. I associate it with my childhood - ending up there at dawn on speed and lager.
Where is the most intimidating place in London? Elephant and Castle is quite intimidating. It's one of my favourite places but I always remember finding it in my teens, coming out of the Underground, unsurpassingly bleak. And at that time, in the Seventies, it was far more rundown than it is now. Poor old Elephant - I don't necessarily mean 'intimidating' in a bad way.
Have you ever been a victim of violence in London? I've been mugged quite a bit, especially in my teens - a bad few years when I was tall and wimpy-looking.
What's the first piece of advice you'd give a London tourist? Get a map and walk.
What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done? I've done so many embarrassing things in my life, and I mean really embarrassing. Funnily enough, the things you thought would embarrass you - having a passionate snog with Jonathan Meades [the broadcaster and restaurant critic], for example - no longer strike me as embarrassing at all.
When did you last lose your temper? This morning when I couldn't find one of the kids' tops for school.
Where did you last blow £2,000 and what was it on? I don't think I've ever blown £2,000, except on drugs.
What's the last film you saw in London and did you enjoy it? I saw Shrek with the kids. I didn't like it and neither did they. The plot was very unsophisticated.
What do you miss most when you're out of London? London is like an old sock. I've lived here all my life so it has a certain quality of what I call claustro-agoraphobia, the sense of being shut in something big like a huge womb. My childhood memories of London are of the Underground - a series of warm, lit rabbit warrens where you're forever popping up into another room. I miss that when I'm away.
When was the last time you broke the law? I haven't broken the law since I gave up drugs.
What was the last conversation you had with a cabbie? Whether I minded the impersonation of myself on Radio 4's impression show, Dead Ringers. I said I thought it was pretty reasonable, actually.
If you were invisible for a day, where would you go in London and what would you do? I'd go behind the scenes at 11 Downing Street and watch Tony and Cherie at breakfast time.
Give us your best tip for overcoming depression. I think a lot of depression is physical, so take some exercise or read an improving book.
Which shop could you not live without? I don't really do shopping, but I went to Laurence Corner, the army surplus store in Euston, with my son. I hadn't been there for years and I loved the fact it was unchanged.
Have you ever been refused entry anywhere? My dear, me? Labour tried to keep me off their election bus, but I can't remember the last time I was refused entry to a club.
What is the most expensive meal you've had in London and with whom did you eat it? It was probably with Christopher Bowerbank, architect and bon viveur, at Tante Claire. The meal cost well over £200. I also had a McDonald's the same day. It was a bad move.
What is your most memorable night out? I remember one all-nighter that kicked off in London and ended at 6am at Ely Cathedral in Cambridgeshire.
What and where is your favourite painting or work of art? I have some quite nice ones at home - British Modernists. I'm never comfortable in galleries as I prefer art in the domestic context.
What last made you cry? When my son Luther [his fourth child] was born this August at Guy's.
Where in London would you have your ashes scattered? My mother's ashes are scattered at Kenwood House and Hampstead Heath, so I'd probably schlep myself out there for continuity.
If your house were on fire, which three things would you rescue? The hard drive of my computer as there's a half-completed book on it - that would be the only thing that is irreplaceable. So for the other two, I'd probably ask my wife what she wanted.
Feeding Frenzy, a collection of Will Self's journalism 1995-2000, (Viking, £16.99)
