Bling Lear: Shakespeare meets Ali G in new chavs' guide to the Bard

You don't recognise it? Get with de programme, that's the opening scene of 'Amlet, a play by some writer dude called Shakespeare.

Written in chav-speak, for the 'yoof' generation, the latest translation of the Bard's works may leave the traditionalists at a loss for, er, words.

But satirical writer Martin Baum is convinced that the 15 plays have lost none of their appeal in his abridged version, which is based on the sort of 'street' language used by TV comedy characters such as Sacha Baron Cohen's Ali G, and the obnoxious schoolgirl Lauren, from the BBC's The Catherine Tate Show.

In fact, Mr Baum believes his translation retains "the important sexist, duplicitous, cross-dressing and violent moments that made William Shakespeare well wicked".

And so, the familiar tale of star-crossed lovers, becomes Romeo And His Fit Bitch Jools.

It begins: "Verona was de turf of de feuding Montagues and de Capulet families. And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other."

He ends the play: "And they all lived in peace and harmony except for Romeo and his bitch Jools, who was both well dead."

Other plays, which may or may not sound familiar, include Much Ado About Sod All, Offello, De Happy Bitches Of Windsor, Two Geezas Of Verona, Richard De Fird and All's Sweet That Ends Sweet, Innit.

Shakespeare connoisseurs may not approve, but Mr Baum, 48, of Verwood, Dorset, believes it's time we all listen up.

"I intended it for adults but at my son's school the children seem to really enjoy it and the publisher has had feedback to say it is popular among youngsters. Anything that introduces children to Shakespeare I think is a good thing. And if it turns them on to reading, that's great."

The comedy sketch-writer, who has a 13-year-old son, was inspired to write the book two years ago after simplified texts of Shakespeare's plays were introduced in schools.

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He said: "This suggestion of dumbing down Shakespeare really amused me. I am a writer and satirist and I love the classics and decided to rewrite some of Shakespeare's plays. It took me a few months to do the first drafts which I gave to my son to look at and he gave me some suggestions.

"I have re-written 15 of them and I hope to do a second edition with more of the plays."

The book, To Be Or Not To Be, Innit, is sold at Waterstone's and on Amazon for £4.99.

Mr Baum added: "Next up, I want to give Charles Dickens a good seeing to, if you know what I mean."