Bluffer's guide to the G20 summit

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■First, get the buzz words right: Expectations are being lowered by the hour. Unity, co-operation and consensus will be bandied around - unless the French walk out - rather than "Hey guys, we've just solved the mega-zillion debt problem."

■Demo debrief: The anarchists, climate change protesters, the police plan on bringing the City to a halt today. Er, didn't the bankers do that already?

■What's that buzzing overhead? The presidential VH-3D helicopter, and its accompanying nuclear-strike protected dummy fleet, is more efficient and secure than the more traditional motorcade. Just don't mention carbon emissions.

■Read and weep, Sarah: Michelle Obama, not only married to the coolest leader on the planet, has her own press team, bag carriers, and a new dress designed by New York star Jason Wu. And she's a shade under 6ft.

■Waiter, I'll have the one that looks like that. Jamie Oliver, chef for tonight's dinner, prepared all the dishes for a tasting and photography session, presumably so the menu could have pictures of them, like all those cheap places in Spain and Greece.

■Pick the most unlikely guest: "Prime Minister, would you like to sit next to Sir Fred?" "Oh, look, there's the Home Secretary. And her husband."