Do you speak Ploddledygook? The police force jargon that should be banned

If you've just come home to find a window broken and your stereo gone, it's time to get in touch with Citizen Focus Command and ask them to put the customer first.

Such terms are among a long list of needless police jargon - or "ploddledygook" - which should be ditched, according to the Plain English Campaign.

Citizen Focus Command is the new name for force control rooms, while victims of crime are now customers. And it's not just constables, sergeants and inspectors working at HQ any more.

Expect to find an office set aside for the Head of Protective Services, Head of Citizen Focus, Director of Criminal Justice Change and - most intriguing of all - Director of Knowledge Architecture.

The PEC said that enough was enough and, Life on Mars-style, it was time to go back to a time when police were blunt about their business: catching criminals.

"I think 'ploddledygook' is the term to describe it," said a PEC spokesman.

"The police have always had their own language. In the past, we might have thought of PC Plod with his flat feet, proceeding a westerly direction, saying, ''Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what 'ave we got 'ere then?'' It was endearing.

"But now police force websites talk about 'customers' and 'end games' and 'mission statements'. We know what police officers are and what they do. They don't need to waste their time calling us 'customers' or telling us that we are their 'focus' or what their 'mission' is."

Many forces now, for example, insist on taking a "holistic" approach - which must be a major consolation when someone's nicked your flatscreen television.

And Metropolitan Commissioner Sir Ian Blair memorably spent thousands adding the word "together" to the force's logo. It created the slogan "Working Together for a Safer London". But it seems the craze has stretched far and wide.

Examples picked out by the PEC include:

Suffolk Police titling their senior officers Head of Protective Services, Director of Criminal Justice Change and Director of Knowledge Architecture.

Norfolk Police's description of its control room as "Citizen Focus Command".

Essex Police's website declaring: "We strive to always put the customer first."

A Humberside Police press release saying burglaries were caused by "insecurities".

Even a few unpleasant home truths were disguised by management babble, the respected campaign-group said. An Essex Police press release, headed "Putting you First", said "There are 47 police stations in Essex: 12 of which are open around the clock."

The PEC said: "This is the opposite of what most people would conclude. Isn't it saying, sorry, nearly 75 per cent of police stations are not open after 5pm?"

Matthew Elliott, chief executive of the Taxpayers' Alliance, said: "All this 'ploddledygook' might be funny, but there's a serious side.

"If police forces are wasting public money churning out this sort of rubbish it's no wonder they have problems. It's very simple. People want coppers to come when they're called and catch criminals."