Even a mild man can be roused to Tube rage

I was literally stunned. Doubly so when the owner of the offending limb - a blue-shirted bully - failed to acknowledge his assault and carried on towards the doors as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

"How dare he!" I thought, my outrage silently echoed by the two Japanese students who had witnessed this casual act of battery and were clearly appalled. In Japan, I dare say, such shameful behaviour would have warranted a minor act of self-flagellation.

"This is the kind of man," I projected into his impassive back, "who would run over a child and speed off, or take a day off work to beat his wife." Something in his bearing made me suspect he had done it on purpose. He had evil shoulders.

And in this three seconds of apoplexy, in which all the crushing indifference of the world welled up in my aching head, I snapped. And did something that I haven't done since James Laurie annoyed me in the plimsoll queue in Miss Rhys's class, 1987. I kicked the man in the ankle.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! It wasn't a hard kick! It was more of a tap disguised as a stumble! In fact, it was more of gentle prod, not the hard stamp to the Achilles tendon that the dull brute deserved.

But it was enough to make him turn around, and look me blankly in the eye. "Sorry, mate," I said with pointed sarcasm, my voice hopefully expressing the correct register of condescension. He went on his way, looking slightly troubled.

Is it me or has pushing lately become acceptable on the Tube? Does no one heed the command to allow passengers off the train before attempting to board? Have you noticed how people don't give up their seats for the elderly any more? Does this excuse my little act of Tube rage? Probably not.

I craved a moment of violent justice but was too bleary-eyed to mete it out in a mature fashion. Perhaps this is a more honest way to deal with the Tube: an all-out wrestling match with your fellow passengers. "Think you're getting the window seat, matey? Not before I karate-chop you in the knee!" At least you'd make eye contact once in a while.