Hail the Tory high-speed train but duck the flying pigs

And it won't be the only one of its freakish kind, oh no, because if the Tories are as a good as their word, we'll soon be seeing an entire new high-speed rail network linking the metropolis with Birmingham and Leeds as well. As for those planes we thought we were seeing, there are going to be far fewer of them, which means no need for that beastly third Heathrow runway.

Can it be true? Are the Tories really going to put £15.6 billion of our money where their mouths are to pay for this, the first new rail line to be built north of ­London for over a century? And I mean completely new, because unlike Labour they aren't talking about upgrading the existing track but instead have released plans for entirely fresh ­infrastructure. They're only expecting the private sector to stump up a measly £4.4 billion, which makes it look like good, old-fashioned public works from where I'm ­sitting.

No wonder the likes of Greenpeace are hailing the plan as a major initiative for tackling ­climate change. Because if — and that's a big if — it were to come about, it would not only represent a significant move away from government perceiving short-haul flights as a jet engine bolted on to the economy but also imply a willingness to take on the road freight lobby.

But hang on a minute, there's a good many years to go before 2015 when the choo-choo spending spree is set to begin. Comrade Osborne must be pretty confident of sorting out the budget deficit he's set to inherit by then, to endorse such lavish future expenditure now. Moreover, there's no indication yet that the Tories have a plan for how to untangle the current imbroglio of private operators and track maintenance companies.

And I don't think I'm cavilling to ask whether, if the costs aren't to be pushed on to the passengers by private train operators, the ­government will be prepared to run the new system itself, at a loss, just as similar high-speed rail links are in France and Spain?

Because if so, it looks to me like the Tory party is effectively ­renationalising a section of the rail network — and that has to be one great big swine looping the loop around a pie in the sky. No, my hunch is that this is just still louder mood music: touchy-feely Dave with his green sleeves rolled up as he conducts the Tory party conference. It's the orchestral version of the useless wind turbine on his Notting Hill pad, and the chauffeur bringing up the rear with his briefcase as he cycles through the London traffic.
Of course, I'd like to believe in the new age of the train. But I stopped believing in flying animals when I was about seven.