Kate McCann reveals agony of her five-year fight to be a mother

The mother of missing Madeleine McCann has tearfully described the joy she experienced at her IVF birth after five years of trying unsuccessfully for a baby.

And, as she continues her vigil in Portugal waiting for news of her daughter, Kate McCann also revealed how she feels a sickening sense of guilt over the little girl who was snatched away from her.

In the first interview she has given without husband Gerry at her side, Mrs McCann, 39, recalled their delight - and surprise - when Madeleine was born in 2003, five years after they married.

She said: "The one thing I have always been definite about is that I want a family. I wanted to be a mother. Then, when we were trying for a baby and it wasn't happening, it was really hard.

"The longer it went on, the harder it was. I saw my friends having children and I was really delighted for them, but it made me feel sad, too. We tried unsuccessfully for several years to conceive.

"There came a point when we admitted we needed help. I was so desperate to have a child I'd try anything. I know IVF isn't everyone's choice but I wanted to try it.

"We had one unsuccessful attempt before Madeleine and that was very hard. When I got pregnant with Madeleine it was just fantastic. It didn't seem true.

"I did a test at home so I could handle the result if it wasn't good. I was looking at it thinking, 'I don't believe that'.

"Then I went to the hospital and they checked it. I was really excited."

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Smiling at the happy memory of her birth, she went on: "There she was - perfect. She was lovely. She had the most beautiful face."

And she revealed: "I'd thought I was going to have a boy, just based on instinct. That actually made it even more special that she was a girl. She took us by surprise."

Two-year-old twins Sean and Amelie were born 20 months later, also after IVF treatment. They talk about Madeleine all the time, she said. "There are photographs of her all around."

Mrs McCann, who has remained in Portugal for most of the 94 days since Madeleine was kidnapped on May 3, went on to describe the "panic and fear" she experienced in the moments after realising that Madeleine had vanished from their holiday flat in Portugal.

Recalling the scene as she walked into the family's apartment in Praia da Luz, Mrs McCann said: "There was about 20 seconds of disbelief where I thought, 'That can't be right.' I was checking for her. Then there was panic and fear. That was the first thing that hit.

"I was screaming her name. It was just total fear. I never for one second thought that she'd walked out. I knew someone had been in the apartment because of the way it had been left.

"There wasn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that she'd been taken. That's why the fear set in.

"Then you go through the guilt phase, straight away. We were just so desperately sorry. Every hour now I still question, why did I think it was safe? But it did feel safe and so right. You don't expect a predator to break in and take your daughter out of her bed."

She added: "I do feel regret. I feel desperately sorry to her that we weren't there."

Commenting on the possibility that Madeleine might already be dead, Mrs McCann said that the fear of never seeing her daughter again was not as strong as it had been in the first five days of her disappearance.

But she added: "I do go back to those dark moments. It would be abnormal never to touch on them. I feel panic and fear when I'm thinking about her, but it doesn't help. I'm not helping Madeleine by going there."

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And asked what message she would pass on to her daughter, Mrs McCann said: "I'd tell her we love her. She knows we love her very much, she knows we're looking for her, that we're doing absolutely everything and we'll never give up."

Over the weekend police began another search at the home of Robert Murat, the only suspect.

The development follows a possible sighting of Madeleine in Belgium last week. DNA tests are being carried out on a milkshake bottle that a girl fitting her description was drinking from at a cafe. Results are due this week.