Liz is so wrong about sex and the city

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Now Liz is a fine filly and we are all grateful for the chance to see her playing on her hobby farm in Gloucestershire, where she rolls over many acres.

We are not here to point out that it takes millions of pounds to bankroll an estate complete with Old Spots, bootroom with underfloor heating, orangery, walled garden, ie, just the basics of the rural deluxe lifestyle.

No, we are here to dispute her claim. While she is correct to say that it is - especially as the sap rises during the mating season - glorious to see sticky buds bursting forth over our green and pleasant land, she is sadly wrong about people having more sex in the country than they do in the city. That can't possibly be true.

One, there's no time in the country, as the day is entirely consumed with driving from A to B, vermin extermination, and grimly applying litres of RoundUp to hectares of nettles.

Two, you see the same 20 people all the time, only in different clothes, and two-thirds of them are over 70.

Three, if you live in the country, as one woman told me, to survive you have to "shag, drink or ride, preferably all three".

Now, it is true that hunting basically serves as an adultery-enabling mechanism to help those who live in the country who want to have sex with each other, to do so, but there it ends, because of reason four, which is: everyone knows what you're doing, all the time.

As for Liz's point that people "look sexier" to her in the country - this is because the field is vastly limited compared with town. This is why she finds her builders irresistible, and no doubt they her.

I am Liz Hurley's age and if you want to feel sexy after turning 40, believe me, there's no better way than heading far from the capital and burying yourself in the sticks, where anyone with their own teeth, some hair and two legs (though four is of course preferred) counts as a real catch.

Rachel Johnson's novel Shire Hell is published by Penguin.