Mere men just can't compete with a cat

She's right. Cats are beautiful, graceful, intuitive and tantalising in their affections. How many people can be described as such? Humans have built civilisation and its comforts - central heating, deep-pile carpets and luxury M&S sardines - only for cats to colonise it while posing as demure domestic companions.

Women who say they love cats more than men aren't lying. My relationship with Liz wouldn't have lasted seven years if I hadn't loved her cats myself. My many flaws - meticulously catalogued and publicised in her journalism - could just about be endured, so long as I loved her cats.

I realised her cats were my route to a better life after one of our first nights together. Lying in bed with Liz, I tried to stroke Squeaky, her cantankerous feline prima donna, who scratched me. I complained and showed Liz my wound; but the woman I'd spend the night making love to gave me a glazed look of indifference and replied: "You deserved it." Her absolute loyalty to her cats was chilling, but it revealed that being nice to her cats could make Liz very nice to me.

I befriended Squeaky and Liz's tomcat Snoopy, and we also had another two cats of our own, Susie and Sweetie. I adored them, and they became fond of me. Knowing this, Liz allowed me into her high-flying life to live in decadent leisure with her mollycoddled cats for company. That is, until my misbehaviour and desire to be something other than a pet myself made the marriage untenable.

Men shouldn't be afraid of coming second to a cat. The love he shows a woman's cat, she will lavish 10-fold on him. And adopting a feline pragmatism to affection is just as effective for us. Emulating her cats' aloofness and enjoyment in sensuous but selfish intimacy, I found Liz couldn't get enough of me. Cats provide an excellent blueprint in how to snare the modern woman.

Last night, I helped Liz to find Susie, who's been missing for two weeks. We ransacked a neighbour's garage to find her hiding under tarpaulin in the corner. Liz routinely describes me as the vilest thing since vileness began, yet calls on me when her precious cats are in peril. Despite my failings, her cats are still my key into her life.