Squeals of horror from the stalls as Chancellor plays pantomime villain

Before leaving to deliver his annual address, a last glance in the mirror, would have confirmed that Alistair Darling looked the part. Alas, that's as bright as it got.

Because oh dear, Darling could no longer hold back, couldn't mask the horror of the public finances. On one side of the House, every ghoulish statistic provoked a shake of heads. They couldn't be seen to be gloating, of course not, but the Tories could sense an election victory getting nearer.

At times, they resorted to pantomime gasps. When the scale of public borrowing of £175 billion, was mentioned, the squeals resembled the stalls at Wimbledon Theatre.

Across the floor, Darling's colleagues sat in uncomfortable silence. Labour minds could be forgiven for wandering. Very soon, they may be joining the unemployed, the ones who featured so largely in the Chancellor's speech. "Quick, I must get the second home done up. What did I do with that invoice for the saucepans?"

Moments in and "global" was already mentioned twice and "world" once. The historic strengths of the British economy also received a check. There — another "globe". And another "world" — and "internationally".

We got the message — this was not just a British problem. Another "global" was followed by the finger of blame. It's all the fault of Lehman, you see, that nasty US investment bank. It was the greed of its employees that brought the world's (again) financial system to its knees.

Hang on, didn't David Blanchflower, the departing member of the Bank of England's monetary policy committee, say he was warning about the coming crisis well before Lehman's bonuses did their dirtiest? Yes he did. Er, hadn't Northern Rock gone to the wall ahead of Lehman? Yes, it had. And weren't the signs arriving thick and fast that UK PLC was in a mess, months earlier? Yes, they were.

No matter. GDP will be down 3.5 per cent this year, the worst performance since the War. Blurt it out, sharp intakes of breath from the Opposition, and move on with repeated lines on the underpinning of the economy, nods in the direction of other countries and their travails. And a forecast for growth in 2010 and 2011. Marvellous.

Around him, minds were swirling: "Maybe I don't need to get the patio and barbecue area of the other place done", "I can put my son on the payroll when he leaves university in two months."
We had help for the unemployed, the provision of new skills, the "scrappage" scheme for old bangers. The latter struck an incongruous note amid the talk of a universal slump — more Fools And Horses than Davos. The temptation to offer £2,000 for the clapped-out motors sitting to his left and right, was overwhelming. And this was the "world's first carbon Budget" — whatever that meant.

When he sat down, two figures fixed in the mind: the £2,000 for a car and 50 per cent tax on high-earners ("that was clever, Alistair — let's see how Cameron deals with that one"). Alas, there was a third, that overshadowed everything: the £175 billion. "Better get the other house and that CV spruced up after all."