To be Indian is now first prize in life’s lottery

What I can reveal is that I've encountered more beggars on the streets of London in the past week than I did in my entire sojourn in Tamil Nadu. India is the future — 25 per cent of people in the world under the age of 25 are Indian — and Tamil Nadu is one of its most prosperous states.

I also think I can share with you details of my return flight from Chennai to Heathrow on British Airways without incurring the wrath of Shiva. I haven't flown with BA for 20-odd years and it was an eye-opener. Full marks to BA for punctuality and inflight entertainment (excellent choice of films from Julie & Julia to The Reader). But the BA cabin steward was unfathomably rude to the mainly Indian passengers and made me squirm with embarrassment.

Why did he refuse to help any of us load our hand luggage into the overhead lockers? Or even deign to show us where we might find a free locker to stow away our bags? When an Indian passenger gently remonstrated with him, the steward replied tartly: "It's my duty to stay at the back of the plane." Was he already on strike? OK, we all have bad hair days, but it left a sour note in the air. And what an appalling impression to give a first-time visitor to England (I was sitting next to one).

The next day I witnessed bank rage at my local branch of Lloyds in Kensington High Street. For some reason there are never enough cashiers to man the tills so a huge queue of impatient customers always quickly builds up. The man in front of me had had enough and hurled abuse at the staff.

It was a disgrace, he shouted, that Lloyds had to be bailed out by taxpayers with billions of pounds and yet the bank couldn't even find enough staff to man its tills: "Get me the manager!" "I am the duty manager." "Get behind the till!" "I can't get behind the till because I'm not a cashier."

So what do I know of England after my trip to India? That we are a nation of jobsworths and British Airways and Lloyds Bank still have a long way to go in improving customer relations. It used to be said that to be born British was to win the first prize in the lottery of life. In my next life I would like to be born an Indian.

You've made Christine bristle - get shaving Adrian

Please can someone explain why the BBC's Adrian Chiles has grown a beard? Some have cruelly likened the television presenter to a Shakespearean potato, others think his facial hair looks very distinguished and could win him back Christine Bleakley. Not that he was ever "with" Christine Bleakley, as far as we know.

I am not a pogonophile (lover of beards) and side with the wife of Alfred, Lord Tennyson, arguably the greatest pogonophile of them all. She compared her hubby to a lazy monk from Mount Athos, kept urging him to shave, and wrote to a friend saying: "I wish the public could compel Alfred by Act of Parliament to cut off his beard!"

The store that makes an apple a display object

Waitrose has been named Britain's most popular supermarket in a poll carried out by Which? It was ranked top, with a satisfaction rating of 79 per cent.

I think it thoroughly deserves its place, judging by my experience yesterday. I went to M&S in search of chillies and lemongrass. It had neither. A quick trip to Waitrose rectified the problem.

M&S could give Waitrose a run for its money at one stroke if it focused more on its stocklist and less on its elaborate packaging. It sells food as if it's an artwork that needs to be carried.

Do its apples really have to be turned into display objects? Why do they have to sit on plastic trays wrapped inside another layer of plastic? I am happy to pay 5p for a plastic bag but irked by the superfluous packaging.

I have been invited to join the 2010 edition of Global Who's Who. No, I'd never heard of it either. "We are please to inform you that your candidacy was formally approved January 4th, 2010," read the email. "Congratulations. The Committee selected you as a potential candidate based not only upon your current standing, but given your background, the Director believes your profile makes a fitting addition to our publication. On behalf of our Committee I salute your achievement."

My current standing? My background? My achievement? I am afraid vanity got the better of me and I diligently filled in my details in order to complete the verification process.
Two minutes later I got an email from my sister. She had just been invited to join International Who's Who of Professionals for 2010. Sounds like a scam, she noted. Oops. Had I been had? As Homer Simpson said: "Extended warranty? How can I lose?"