CHATBACK king Mascherano - the midfield rat with a silent 'p' - and 'battered' Torres show Liverpool in their true colours


SHOCK, horror ... maybe Avram Grant DOES know what he's doing


OWEN scores v Fulham to become world's best player ever

What's that noise?

The sound of Hatchet Man eating his words. Don't know about Grand Slam Sunday, it was more like Own Goal Sunday for Hatch.

• HATCHET MAN gets stuck into Ronaldo

I'd gone in hard on Bambi, confident that once again Cristiano Ronaldo would go missing in battle against a Big Four team. "Bag a tap-in against Liverpool on Easter Sunday, Crissy, and I'll eat my words," I vowed.

Munch, munch.

Mind you, Reina was beaten so badly on the cross I thought for a minute Ronaldo really had tapped one in, that he'd pulled a Hand of God.

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But the replays don't lie, and they prove that Jose Reina's decisions to come late for those two crosses were the worst made by any player in any division all weekend.

Coming off second best to Ronny's hair-gelled flick is one thing, but how can Liverpool's keeper live with himself when he stands in front of the mirror and admits: "I was beaten to a cross by Wes Brown's back!"

What's that you say? Oh, all right, there was a worse decision. I suppose we've got to deal with the 20-yard run of Javier Mascherano to have a chat with Steve "I'm the Dealer" Bennett.

Yes, the Little Chief himself, of whom Hatchet Man asked recently, "Is there a better scurrying midfield rat in the world?"

Maybe I just missed the 'p' out after midfield. Or maybe someone in the Liverpool dressing room with designs on Javier's holding role persuaded the little Spanish speaker that Bennett likes nothing better than to be addressed repeatedly by a two-word English phrase indicating sex and travel.

Anyone got a better explanation as to how Mascherano failed to spot that Ashley's backside-to-the-ref act had shifted the goalposts on discipline and that R-E-S-P-E-C-T was the number on the game's new songsheet?

You knew things had changed when you heard how desperately Sir Brooking tried to fence-sit when asked on Sunday if Fabio should drop Ashley to make an example of him.

Poll: Should Ashley Cole be dropped from the England squad?

Memo to Rafa Benitez: any of Luis Garcia's dummies still lying about the Anfield dressing room? Stick one in Mascherano's gob when he finishes his suspension, and don't take it out til the end of May.

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Anyway, that's the end of owning up time. Just like Ashley Cole and his oh-so-sincere statement, Hatchet Man doesn't do apologies.

Speaking of Cashley, is he the new Robbie Savage? Nobody really hates Savage now he's gone to Derby – he's turned into an end-of-the-pier freak show.

But Ashley, that's different. Shouldn't Opta include boo-ometer ratings in their end-of-year stats. No doubt who'd be pushing the top end of the scale.

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One day after Man Utd got one hand on the Premier League trophy, we learned which manager can't deal with it. You might have expected a little honesty, even humility from Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez after he and his team had screwed up their title challenge so royally.

Instead we got a whinge. The reason Liverpool never looked like scoring had nothing to do with the fact that his lone spearhead Fernando Torres was in Nemanja Vidic's pocket all afternoon.

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No, his Spanish striker "had some knocks on his ribs and ankle - a lot of knocks and a lot of kicks. I was just trying to protect him (by taking him off)."

Maybe he just wanted an excuse to pull Torres out of the Spanish squad's potentially bruising friendly with Italy on Wednesday – but in the end the scan on Torres' "rib injury" proved negative – so he goes to Elche.

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"You don't know what you're doing" award of the week.

This goes to Chelsea's fans, yes, especially the ones who used to support Fulham in the BR years (Before Roman).

The scene: (70 mins) Chelsea are losing 1-0 at home to Arsenal, and about to slip out of the title race.

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Avram Grant has to do something, and so he sends on a striker, Nicolas Anelka, and a player capable of providing attacking width, Juliano Belletti, for Makelele and Ballack.

Cue the chant of wisdom from the Bridge Brigade. Cue an equaliser, followed soon after by Drogba's winner, created by substitute Anelka.

And they didn't even have the wit to chant: "You DO know what you're doing."

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Does no one at Fratton Park ever read the Premier League rulebook?

Manager Harry Redknapp only learned late on that striker Jermain Defoe could not play for Portsmouth at his former club, Spurs, because his 11th-hour move on transfer deadline day had initially been a loan.

"It's a load of nonsense, some silly ruling that someone has brought in and we can't do anything about it. There's strange rules all round," said Redknapp.

Keep up, Harry. You're beginning to sound like Freddie "I don't know what's going off out there," Trueman.

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Premature silver lining of the week award.

Somebody needs to tell Kevin Keegan to calm down. Yes, Newcastle have finally won a game, Keegan's first since he returned to the club as Messiah II.

But who did they beat? Fulham, that's who. Fulham, as in three points out of a possible 30 in their last 10 away games. Fulham, as in nailed on for relegation.

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And Keegan's reaction to Michael Owen scoring another goal? Re-sign him for the Toon now on another big deal. "We should be talking to Michael now, not next week," says Kev.

"Michael's not going to stop scoring, he's not going to stop catching the eye.

"He leads by example and you're seeing him now absolutely at his peak."

Got news for you Kevin. Owen has scored six goals in 22 Premier League outings this season. In season 2001-02 at Liverpool, he scored 19 in 29 League games. That's when he was "absolutely at his peak."

And let's revisit Newcastle's "revival" after Keegan has measured his coaching genius against Juande Ramos at White Hart Lane next Sunday at about, say, 5pm.

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Robbie Keane was subbed again for Spurs on Saturday – but not snubbed this time, as he went off happily without a hurled shirt in sight.

Best moment of the crafty Irishman's day was his hide-behind-the-goal trick, where he waited for England keeper David James to start rolling the ball out before sprinting up from behind him.

Only the crowd's reaction gave the game away, although referee Phil Dowd said later that had Keane scored, he would have booked him for ungentlemanly conduct.

Here's how another crafty Irishman tricked an England goalkeeper (the ref disallowed this one too):

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They said it:

David James, describing Cristiano Ronaldo's free-kick technique that left both him and Bolton's Ali Al-Habsi scratching their heads: "He puts a lot of swazz on the ball."

Hatchet Man is confused: he thought that's what sometimes happens when you're caught short in an alley after six pints.

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Yes, I know Thursday is meant to be WAG day, but Hatchet Man needs no excuse, especially when he discovered this inspiring story of long-distance love triumphing over impossible odds.

Martin Demechelis, Bayern Munich's pony-tailed Argentine defender, 27, first set eyes on the love of his life during the winter break while watching the soap opera "Planeta Show" in Buenos Aires.

He was so taken by glamour model Evangelina Anderson's 36-25-36 figure (the first measurement is down to her cosmetic surgeon) that he got hold of her mobile number and was papped meeting her in a bar in his home town of Cordoba.

(Watch Evangelina on Argentina's "Passion Saturday" show, before she became a stay-at-home WAG):

At first the blonde insisted: "We're only friends," but 10 days later admitted "Martin is the only man for me."

She went on to confess to Ole sports newspaper: "I've got a great sexual fantasy: I like toys, masks and dressing up. My devil costume is already in tatters and the bunny dress is as well. I've had sex in an airplane toilet more than once - exciting." Maradona wooed her and failed, and now she has hung up her feather boa and followed Demichelis to the Munich suburb of Erdinger Moos, where they plan to marry.

"Micho is so sensitive," she gushes of her new love. "He knows how to release a volcano in me. He's so jealous, I'm not allowed to go out at night any more."

Sounds like this one will last longer than Bayern's unbeaten record.

• Want some more Evangelina? Then click here