CHELSEA'S Frank Lampard has brought a new meaning to 'old stomping ground'


ARSENAL'S San Siro mission to tickle Kaka into submission


AND United boss Sir Alex Ferguson is definitely not interested in Karim Benzema... at the moment

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Have you watched it? Frank Lampard's behaviour brought a new meaning to "return to your old stomping ground".

Twice he kicked out at wind-up merchant Luis Boa Morte on the ground having already landed awkwardly on top of his pursuer.

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The Portuguese international was not without blame, but Lampard finished his assault by raising his hands and shoving him to the floor.

Here's a quick interpretation of the Laws of the Game:

1) You can't kick opponents

2) You can't raise your hands. Both reasons for Lampard to be sent off.

Somehow, Avram Grant claims there is a conspiracy and Chelsea, it seemed, would be wasting everyone's time by appealing.

Unless "big club rules" were being applied, there was more chance of Britney Spears being appointed as an ambassador for Mothercare than for Lampard to escape.

A Chelsea appeal would surely have been met with an additional ban of one game and accusations of them being "frivolous".

Now the oaf of a referee has come to his aid... and how must Middlesbrough feel?

In similar circumstances, Jeremie Aliadiere was sent off for violent conduct against Liverpool. When Middlesbrough appealed, his suspension was increased to four matches.

They based their defence on the provocation from Javier Mascherano, who pushed the Middlesbrough striker in the face first, but escaped unpunished; Aliadiere retaliated with a slap and was shown a red card. Just like Lampard.

Oh, I forgot, Middlesbrough aren't a big club and Chelsea are the third part of the most exciting conclusion to the FA Premier League title for years. Silly me.

Wait for a rocket taking off from Steve Gibson's office some time today, when news reaches him of Lampard's inevitable escape. 5-4-3-2-1...

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Memo on the Liverpool takeover. Get on with it. Stop posturing. None of the rest of the football world cares about it. The only Liverpool takeover we're interested in is seeing Everton pass Liverpool in the table.

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Raspberry of the week to Manchester, where lots of hot air is coming from Rio Ferdinand about what it means to win the Champions League and whether it qualifies you to be a great team. How many times has he won it?

As many times as you and I, my friends.

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AC Milan have issued a statement in order to try and achieve some protection for the gliding genius of Kaka.

It read: "It's not only the systematic nature of the fouls which Kaka suffers and which referees seem to ignore, it's the fact that it appears to this club that there is scientific planning behind them.

"It's never the same player who makes two consecutive fouls against him in the same game — it's always alternated between one opponent and one of his team-mates. It's exactly as if there is a strategy behind it — as if you can see the preparation. That's why the referees fail to spot enough of them."

I wonder how Arsenal's 'angels', the team that never tackles or puts a boot out of place, plan to stop the master Brazilian at the San Siro? Perhaps they will come out in ballet slippers or moccasins and try to tickle him into submission.

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Remember the old playmakers who couldn't run very much, but stood in central midfield and hit beautiful passes?

Watch a different kind of playmaker - Kaka covers the ground so quickly, he twists and turns Inter's Walter Samuel so viciously that the lumbering defender damages his right knee and his ankle.

There's only one winner in this clip of Brazil versus Argentina:

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Sir Alex Ferguson has spoken out about accusations that he is "destabilising" Lyon ahead of their Champions League tie tonight, by praising impressive striker Karim Benzema.

"When you are asked about the quality of a player, you give an honest opinion," said honest Sir Fergie.

"He is a good player, but I think Jean-Michel Aulas (Lyon president) is being a little bit mischievous. We have never said that we are interested in Benzema. I haven't said it yet, and I don't say we are interested now."

For the record, Manchester United have never, ever tapped up players.

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Matt Derbyshire's goal at Newcastle came at the end of a week when his wife gave birth to twins.

He is entitled to enjoy the moment, but can someone come up with a different baby celebration to Bebeto's lining up and rocking the cradle. It's boring now.

At least Carlos Tevez brings his dummy. And, no, that is not a second dig at Rio Ferdinand.

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City top of the Championship, Rovers in the last eight of the FA Cup and live on TV again this weekend. You fill in the gag about having a nice pair.