CYNICAL Gerrard will start diving to win penalties now the No.2 team in Liverpool need points


GET your money on Newcastle not to win another game this season


FERGIE speaks at last ... but it's not really worth listening to

So when he concedes that the title won't be making its way to Anfield you can only nod in agreement, although you might want to add something like "Quelle surprise, Sherlock!"

• Yesterday's Hatchet Man

The Heartbeat adds: "We've got to focus on fighting for fourth place," and again, the merest murmur of accord is in order.

But when Stevie says: "It's important we don't let our standards drop," the Hatchet heads for the grinder.

I could point out that "standards" measured in terms of league titles have been in decline at Liverpool for almost two decades, but that's another story.

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Just a few weeks ago, though, Stevie was arguing that Liverpool were still very much in this season's race and although we on Planet Earth recognised a load of old nadgebags when we heard it, something on Planet Stevie has clearly dropped since then.

You might call it "the penny" or "ambition" and I dare say "standards" will chime with some of you.

Anyway, now that Stevie is back here on Earth, we might wonder what that fight for fourth place - and its consequent Champions League spotlight and riches - will have in store. Fights, by definition, ain't pretty, after all.

Look out for Stevie pre-booking penalties, Minority Report-style, as he did with ref Steve Bennett against Sheffield United this time last year.

And as the fight intensifies, expect Stevie to point out that the red card suits the ref's complexion so much better than the yellow he was thinking of flashing, as he did against Liverpool's No.1 team earlier this season.

And when the scrap really gets down to the wire, and desperation kicks in, keep an eye out for Stevie's special penalty-winning technique. You know, the one that doesn't actually involve being tripped.

But whatever you do, don't expect standards to drop. No siree.

••••••

Poor old Bryan Robson feels all those negative waves flowing down from the Sheffield United fans are what's stopping his team from skipping round the opposition and keeping the onion bag fully stocked at Bramall Lane.

Alas, he's got his causes and feedbacks all mixed up.

Insipid football and an inability to adapt to changing circumstances are never going to have them showering you with hosannas, mate.

And as for lying down at the home of your most bitter rivals - as the Blades did at Hillsborough a couple of weeks ago - and asking them to trample all over you, well...

[For those of you that don't know, Wednesday beat United 2-0 in a very one-sided match]

••••••

It's a far cry from the heyday of Caledonian wing wizardry but Shaun Maloney at Villa and James McFadden at Birmingham go some way to restoring the tradition of scrawny, talented but inconsistent Scots nibbling at the flanks of English football. How long before Aiden McGeady joins them?

(Yes I know he plays for the Republic of Ireland, but that's just grandpa larceny. You don't think Bob Wilson was really Scottish, do you?)

When McGeady broke into Celtic's first team he was immediately nicknamed Aideninho on account of all the flashy but largely unproductive party pieces.

He's since learned to be more direct, and this season he's added a burst of pace which he's using to run away with the Scottish player of the year awards.

Here's a clip of the Green Garrincha in action at the weekend:

Aideninho no more ... click here to see why

••••••

Anyway, now that you've touched down in South Africa and you've had time to collect your thoughts and catch your breath, I expect you'll want to share your thoughts about Manchester's own remembrance Sunday, Sir Alex.

Went well, didn't it? Your fears proved unfounded, didn't they? City did all right, eh?

"The 2008 Vodacom Challenge will mark Manchester United's third visit to South Africa and will create a platform for many a rising star to elevate their level of play in order to strive to become a regular member of the Manchester United starting line-up for the new English Premiership season."

Inspiring stuff, Sir Alex. Thanks for that.

••••••

Artificial pitches at the World Cup? Nice one, Sepp. Here's an idea: How about an artificial governing body to administer the global game? Oh hang on, we've already got one. Sorry.

••••••

The Hatchet has had a revelation and henceforth will put his faith in the Messiah after all.

At least a fiver's worth, what with the bookies offering 33-1 against the Toon failing to win another game this season.

••••••

He said: "It is difficult for me to comment on Premier League games being played abroad because I am employed by the FA. My bosses are the board members from that league. If I am not going to be positive it is probably best not to say anything." - Sir Trevor Brooking

He meant: "My bosses have the collective IQ of a butter bean. And I hate butter beans. They make me sick."