ENGLAND captain Rio is merely an apprentice


HAMMER Ashton for England? He needs to prove himself in the Premier League first


NOT an Englishman in sight but at least there is an atmosphere at the Emirates

"They tell me you organise your lines effectively, cause plenty of trouble for opposition teams, all that. You know you're stuff, they say.

"Now you may have said earlier in the week how honoured you were to be handed the role of team leader. You obviously felt you were the right man for the job but let's face facts, this task has been a bit beyond you, hasn't it?

"OK, maybe you can't take all the blame, some of the guys who were meant to be working with you let you down, but you were the team leader, you were ultimately responsible out there, where it matters. You were the man they were looking to to stir up some passion and turn things around. You've got to admit it, it was a lamentable display.

"Well, I have a decision to make, a tough decision to make.

"I'm sorry, Rio. You're fired!"

Was it just a dream I had or was Rio Ferdinand really the leader of the boys' team in The Apprentice live from Paris on Wednesday night?

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Hard man: Fabio Capello as the big boss in The Apprentice

• Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

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Still much to prove: Dean Ashton

"What as, a Premier League player?" asked my claret and blue through and through mate.

He wasn't joking. He never jokes about West Ham.

A player who spends most of his time in the treatment room, looks like he has munched his way through a few Burger Kings and McDonald's — stores, not burgers, that is — and when he does eventually make it on to the pitch has a scoring record bettered even by 'El Hatch' (three in three!) is seen as some kind of saviour. But Fabio, are things so bad?

Ashton, you see, should not even be mentioned in the same breath as Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, John Terry, Michael Owen and Co, despite England's lame efforts in Paris on Wednesday night.

OK, for all their faults in the service of their country, the regulars I've mentioned above would sweat blood and tears for success with England.

Ashton? I think he'd probably just sweat a lot.

••••••

And while we're on the subject of England, the finest performer in a red shirt in the Stade de France on Wednesday night, Aston Villa's combative left-pegger Gareth Barry, informs us: "The manager said afterwards he was disappointed with defeat but quite happy with the way he felt we moved to the next step after the Swiss game.

"It is not going to happen overnight..."

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, son, but it's going to have to happen soon enough as there are only 162 days until England will not only be expecting, but demanding, success:

World Cup Qualifying Group Six.

Andorra v England.

Saturday, September 6, 2008.

Gentlemen, the clock is ticking...

••••••

Touche, Dunga, touche

And I thought he was a well brought-up boy, that Dunga.

In London for his Brazil team's friendly against Sweden, the silver-tongued national coach politely assures his hosts that "England have excellent players."

Only then, as we are getting all starry-eyed about England's chances at the 2010 World Cup (remember he said this before the England match in Paris), does he deliver the coup de grace.

"The only difference is Brazil has won the World Cup five times and England one time."

Just like one of the former Brazil great's tackles, that one.

Ouch!

••••••

Cor, luv a duck (or a cockerel), you Spurs lot are easy to wind up aren't you? Just mention the fact that there are no Lilywhites in the England team and a torrent of invective rains down on Sportsmail Towers. You won't hear any moaning from me, though.

Hatch has broad shoulders and loves to hear your views — good or bad. But having read the Spurs fans' response to yesterday's column, I feel I must set the record straight and be frank with you all on the burning Spurs/England issue.

Having read your objections, there is now no doubt in my mind that England would have slaughtered the French had Not-so-Fabio had the foresight to select Messrs Jenas, King, Woodgate, Lennon and Robi... no, no, I just can't keep a straight face!

••••••

Cosmopolitan bunch: Wenger, Brown and Sarkozy at the Emirates

What a team at The Emirates yesterday.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy; the venerable Swiss president of FIFA, Herr Sepp Blatter; Monsieur Arsene Wenger; and, completing the line-up, the second most recognisable Scot in the country (take a bow, Andy Gray), Gordon Brown, PM.

Enough nationalities there to make it just like any other home game for the Gooners... but this time with some atmosphere thrown in.