GERRARD must be high as the Kuyt whose best mate denied Arsenal a cast-iron penalty


FERGIE needs team-man Rooney more than goal machine Ronaldo


TURKISH turtle neck floors Avram's frightened rabbits - let's be Frank about this

Good night: Steven Gerrard, for his driving, Ricky Villa-like run that opened Arsenal like a can of beans. Good work, fella. Why can't you do that for England?

Bad night: Dutch ref Pieter Vink, who rejected Arsenal's penalty claims when his fellow Dutchman, Dirk Kuyt pulled back Alex Hleb. Are they mates from way back?

• Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

Good night: Kuyt. He's Liverpool's modern-day Peter Beardsley. Sometimes he resembles a lumbering cart horse, but he works so hard for the team and will score the odd goal too. He's no Torres, but then who is?

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Bad night: Fernando Torres. Didn't carry his usual threat and was there another hint of a dive? He's making a habit of that in Europe.

Good night: Javier Mascherano. Timing of his tackles were immaculate and he didn't chase any officials, either.

Bad night: Pepe Reina. Another rush of blood early in the game. Is confidence in him shot to pieces? Good save low to his left from Robin van Persie, however.

Good night: Theo Walcott. Tore into Liverpool down the flanks as a second-half sub. When he was moved from left to right, the whole stadium could hear makeshift full-back Jamie Carragher's sigh of relief.

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Bad night: Robin van Persie. What has happened to him? Look rusty and unfit ... makes you realise how much Arsenal miss Eduardo.

Good night: Mathieu Flamini. Energy, strength, power. Looks a good player. Why hasn't he signed his new contract yet?

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All-English quarter-final? You are having a laugh.

Two Englishmen started, one came on, two more didn't make it from the bench, completing a total of five out of 36 players!

All that was English about it were the delays in getting home. What has happened to our game ... and the sad thing is, does anybody care?

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Liverpool fans travelling from the North to support their team would not have enjoyed their trip, despite the result.

On the way to the game tubes were not stopping at King's Cross, because of "over-crowding."

On the way back the Arsenal station was closed because of a problem with one tube line, so supporters were directed to Finsbury Park and held for at least thirty minutes in long queuesand this was still happening an hour after the game.

It would have been the early hours of the morning before they reached their destinations.

Hatchet Man is pleased to report, however, that despite the delays and lack of information from the authorities, there was good-natured banter between supporters who behaved patiently.

And not a single Arsenal fan mentioned the appalling taunts relating to the conception of Steven Gerrard's daughter. A lesson, perhaps, for Everton supporters.

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Heard on the Underground coming away from the Emirates: "It's a great sporting day on Saturday. There's the Grand National, there's Amir Khan and there's the semi-final ... but obviously nobody cares about the semi-final."

It's called Big Club Syndrome and it's sweeping the country. Don't let it get you.

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I wonder if Sir Alex Ferguson had to pick one of them, would he prefer his dazzling, free-scoring Portugese attacker Ronaldo, or the industry and unselfish cleverness of Wayne Rooney, who continues to look like twice the player for United than he does for England?

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Before United fans start whinging about the very public tapping-up of Ronaldo by the Real Madrid manager Berndt Schuster, let's remember it's a very typical Sir Fergie trick of old.

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Last word on United, if Nemanja Vidic is out for some time, I wonder if they will still be feeling quite so confident.

Maybe, just maybe, there could still be a twist in this epic struggle for the title.

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We've had Pascal Chimbonda in his tights, Patrick Berger in his hair band, a host of Arsenal players who insists on wearing gloves even when the daffodils are in bloom and a fashion parade of boots that wouldn't look out of place on a Paris or Milan catwalk, but what was the Fenerbahce goalkeeper wearing?

Roll necks for goalkeepers? I've read all about Bert Trautmann playing on with a broken neck, now football is played by posers and primadonnas.

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That's three big knock-out games Chelsea have lost nowTottenham, Barnsley and Fenerbahce. Is everything okay in the Stamford Bridge dressing room, or is Frank Lampard's reaction to being taken off telling us more than we know?

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FA Cup prediction is for West Brom to make life very bumpy for Portsmouth in a game that may require extra time. Portsmouth, without the cup tied Jermain Defoe, may not have the necessary firepower.

And I haven't a clue how to separate the two Championship sides in the other game, other than to say I hope Barnsley win, because even Harry Potter couldn't produce more magic than they have this season.

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Wag of the week has to be the very popular Soccer Am presenter Helen Chamberlain, the football fan's crumpet.

It's great waking up with her every Saturday.