Goodfellas didn't quite measure up

What we got was bandwagon-jumping of the highest order. Commentators Jon Champion and Chris Waddle were wary of underestimating the home side, who, let's be honest, lost an element of credibility by taking to the field dressed as Christmas elves.

"You can see how technical they are," said Waddle, as the Belarusians completed a no-pressure square pass in their own half.

But then Gerrard scored. "A goal from 31.4 yards we are told by the fellas with the measuring tape," said Champion. It took them 11 minutes to announce the distance, presumably while they waited for the ball to travel up the other end so their 'fellas' could scamper on and use their tape while no one was watching. (These are hard times and there is a credit crunch on).

England are heroes. Gerrard has found his best form and we will win the World Cup. But back came Belarus to level with a fine goal and England are, apparently, doomed to fail.

"There's no tackling, for the last 20 minutes Belarus have played how they wanted all the way up to our box," said Waddle disdainfully.

And so to half-time. "It looks as if there are acres of space which will suit us in the second half," said Steve McManaman, whose every comment was undermined by the presence of the word 'ass' in his camera shot.

It was difficult to know if he was talking about England or the massive studio in which Messrs Terry Venables and Sam Allardyce accompanied him and presenter Angus Scott.

After the break, more apocalyptic stuff as Waddle slammed Fabio Capello's decision to "switch to a formation which doesn't work".

But then, barely two minutes later, "the man with the go faster haircut" (Champion, copyright 2008) popped up to make it 2-1 and all is well. "Unbeaten and unbeatable," said Scott after England had put the 59th best team in the world to the sword. Like it was ever in doubt.