GROW up Owen and start repaying the huge debt you owe Newcastle and their fans


BAN Sir Alex from the touchline to show refs are in control and not him


FATHERHOOD 1 Liverpool 0: Alonso's Xabi treatment of his Liverpool paymasters

Here's a few ideas, Michael, just to help you through the next few weeks.

• Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

1) Start scoring for Newcastle. It's four in 20 games so far this season.

2) As captain of Newcastle, their fans won't appreciate you talking about your England place. They couldn't care less and suspect you care more about country than club anyway.

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3) As captain of Newcastle, fans won't appreciate opening contract talks when they are sliding towards Coventry away next season.

4) In fact, give up being captain of Newcastle. Get selfish (on the pitch), start scoring goals and worrying about your own performance. You are only a good leader if you are leading by example. Right now, you're not and a wet lettuce at lunchtime would be more inspiring.

5) Stop opening shops, signing boot deals, turning up at kids camps until you are completing your day job sufficiently well, even if there are good causes involved. The most important "good cause" for you right now plays in black and white stripes.

6) Get a few months of top performances behind you and start playing like a £104,000-a-week footballer, £5million-a-year superstar, instead of just acting like one. The England place might just return as a result of that and, if you keep them up, they will reward you like a king.

7) Stop living off your reputation. It's all about what you do now. You're not a Galactico any more and won't ever be again. This could be the last big club of your career, rather than a stepping stone to a shot at the big time. Who else would take you?

Goals win games, hearts, international recalls and pay rises.

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Remember what happened to Leeds? They too were a big club, with grand ambitions, loyal support and decent players.

Now look at Newcastle and tell me there aren't haunting similarities. Massive clubs are like supertankers.

Once they are going in one direction, it's very difficult to turn them around.

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The rules of football are there to help attacking players. Defenders only need to look at a forward, he collapses and the referee will award a free kick and show a yellow card.

We go to football to be entertained and the days when Ron Harris left his mark on a game by leaving a mark on a striker's shins are long gone.

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So the recent complaining by the top managers that Ronaldo and Cesc Fabregas are being kicked out of matches is an attempt to apply pressure on referees. Nothing else.

Keith Hackett, the referees boss, must stand strong in support of his officials and the FA must back them up with hard action.

Starting with a touchline ban for Sir Fergie for his crazy rantings after their defeat to Portsmouth in the FA Cup.

It's the only way that bullying managers get the message about who's in charge.

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All very sweet that Xabi Alonso can stay with his partner while she gives birth and let's wish them well but isn't he a professional footballer and should be part of the Liverpool squad in Milan?

Isn't that what he is paid a rather large sum of money to do, or is that view a bit old fashioned?

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Meanwhile, for those players who actually arrive at the San Siro to carry out their duties, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, that brilliant but temperamental superstar, will have to finally show what he's made of in a big game if they're to have any chance against Liverpool.

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Rafa is good at this sort of thing. One early goal from Torres and that will be four English teams in the last eight and another unflattering performance from the Swedish sulk will help.

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Laugh of the day was the vote of confidence in Alan Curbishley from the West Ham board.

The clock is ticking.

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Now, come on guys and girls, we have to show some sympathy to Chelsea fans who travelled all the way up to Barnsley on a Saturday evening to see their team play like that.

Stop laughing.

They've suffered enough. No, really.

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Early call, but I fancy West Brom to beat Portsmouth to give us two Championship clubs at the FA Cup Final. Anyone for twelve together?

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"I wanted to give my players an extra rest - they were at a club party last night." -Roberto Mancini, manager Inter Milan.

Not since Brian Clough have teams prepared for a Champions League shoot-out in this fashion?

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Oh my goodness. No sooner do Cardiff get to Wembley and they are already bringing something different to the FA Cup.

It's not even Hatchet Man's Wag of the Week time, but needs must. Cardiff have been keeping trim (well, most of them, Jimmy) to the delights of the Wag Work-Out and so I went in search of the star of the show, Melissa Johnson – wife of Cardiff quarter-final goalscorer, Roger.

She's a babe and she's welcome at Wembley. Work out on the pitch before the game - lovely? Maybe it could replace the National Anthem.

• Check out Melissa and the WAGS story here...

Or take a short cut and simply click below to see the video