HOW Chelsea's 'new' fans still have room to boo through mouthfuls of prawn sandwich


MOANING Megson deserves to to fall through the Premier League trap door with Bolton


AND why there's no rhyme or reason to those lemons at Liverpool

Or was it the prawn sandwich merchants, the new 'signings' who started turning up only when Chelsea started winning trophies, soon after they became rich and fashionable?

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"Oh Tarquin, why are we not victorious? Footy is the beautiful game, but it's all jolly ugly like this. Maybe I'll support someone else next season. I'll have to ask Mummy in the Roller on the way to one of our homes."

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Tears for fears: a Chelsea diehard feels the pain of Jose Mourinho's departure

Turn up on Thursday night against Everton and play spot the difference. You can tell by counting the tattoos and checking whether it's lager in the pint glass, or Bollinger.

This turning on their team (while they are in second place and in the Champions League semi-finals, by the way) all confirms one thing: If any supporter get the team they deserve, then it is Chelsea's 'new' fan base.

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Chelsea set: the Stamford Bridge faithful erupt at Wembley

I preferred it in the old days, when they had gates of 11,000 and you would have as much chance of coming away with three points as a looping right-hander in the chops, but at least they had real football supporters.

This lot will finish the season hanging from their cravats.

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So, Gary Megson wants Rafa Benitez to take games seriously against Bolton's relegation rivals Fulham and Birmingham.

"We would hope that Rafa Benitez will retain the integrity of the Premier League with his squad selection," Megson says.

What a loser this guy is.

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Muppet show: Bolton boss Gary Megson only has himself to blame

Cast your mind back to March 13 and the second leg of Bolton's UEFA Cup tie in Lisbon. Bolton had the chance to go through to the quarter-finals (an opportunity they may never have again) and what did misfit Megson do? Did he respect the integrity of that competition?

No.

He picked a second XI, with kids like Nathan Wolfe and James Sinclair on the bench so his first team could rest for the next Premier League fixture, away to Wigan. They lost in Europe and then lost again, against Wigan's 10 men, three days later.

Megson has a short memory... and Bolton have a short time left in the top flight. Good riddance to both.

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More on the above: We all know that Liverpool will play their reserves at Fulham, just as they did last season in a game that did as much to cost Sheffield United their place in the top flight as Carlos Tevez and David Unsworth.

Look out for the moaning coming from Birmingham, Reading, Bolton and Wigan, starting any time now.

There is an alternative. Win a few more points earlier in the season.

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Breaking news from West Ham, where they have insisted on a full-scale inquest into the multiple injuries they have suffered all season.

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Down and out: Anton Ferdinand joins the injured legion at Upton Park

However, this will surely be delayed when the doctor pulls a hamstring opening the envelope with the list of players to be assessed and so won't be able to take part until he's better.

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After losing 6-0 at home to Aston Villa, at least there is some consolation for Derby in knowing that West Ham are up next and drifting aimlessly.

It could be the least significant fixture in the history of the Premier League. There will be more empty seats than an FA Cup semi-final at Wembley.

Pass the sun cream, chaps. Is there much more of this?

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So now it seems Cardiff will represent England in the UEFA Cup next season, if they win the FA Cup.

Somebody, somewhere senses an opportunity here – or why else would the heavyweights of the Premier League be making this particular representation to the FA?

A Welsh team representing the English league? Next up: Rangers and Celtic in the Premier League back on the agenda.

Man in black: Chelsea boss Avram

A precedent has been set, the ball is rolling, we can all see it coming.

The game is up, my friends.

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Here's a thought. Do you think Armani or Hugo Boss should pay Avram Grant to say that he isn't wearing their gear?

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Last Chelsea mention on the players who are refusing to talk to Sky before or after the Chelsea-Everton game, because the TV giant has changed the fixtures.

Who do you think is paying your wages, you idiots?

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Here's a thought. Why doesn't one newspaper – or a website – show some balls and allow Championship football to dominate its coverage?

There are big clubs, more games, interesting characters, decent attendances, and, while all of its rivals remain obsessed with the Premier League, the trailblazer would attract readers and acclaim for such a brave stand.

More than all of the above, there is competition. Remember that word? It's what we used to have in the top flight before money changed all that.

Top this week: It's West Brom, followed by Hull. But will it stay that way past the weekend? Unlikely, but it's hard to say. You see, it's not as predictable as the Premier League.

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Warring in the boardroom, scrapping in the boot room, but this is not the first time that Liverpool have been caught looking like lemons.

Remember this rap? I think that's how it was described.

VIDEO: Kop a load of this lot...