HOW HAS Adebayor escaped punishment for butting Bendtner?


FABIO'S selection headache - who's going to get him some goals?


AND the unofficial rules of being a football fan - read them and obey?

Maybe the FA know something we don't – or could it be that Arsenal know someone we don't.

• Click here for yesterday's Hatchet Man column

The moment that Chelsea surround a referee, we all queue up to complain and the FA dish out their favourite charge – 'failing to control your own players'.

So when Adebayor disagreed with Nicklas Bendtner, he planted a head-butt on him. How much control was involved in that?

The FA say the video footage is 'inconclusive', but Bendtner has a lump on his nose the size of a gob-stopper after his team-mate drew blood and Adebayor has apologised!

Why isn't that evidence enough? Anyone awake at Soho Square, or are they all out eating pasta with the new England coach?

Adebayor has been here before. A brilliant player, an attacking weapon, but he was sent off in the final last year for losing control. In fact, he lost the plot as Arsenal sulked their way to defeat with another display of bad losing.

And the most amazing part of all this is that, even though David Dein is no longer around at the FA, Arsenal still escape.

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Tottenham and Chelsea's allocation for the Carling Cup Final is 31,000 tickets.

It's rubbish. It's insulting. It's the same every year, so get used to it.

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Is there a bigger tart in football than Pascal Chimbonda? Let me know.

Spurs fans surely won't be bothered if he goes.

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Just checking, but is Roy Hodgson still in a job? How long will that last?

Fulham look as dead as Derby just now. And at least Derby are still in the FA Cup.

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Here's the problem when it comes to picking the next England squad at the back end of next week. Not so much the goalkeeper, but the bloke who has to stick the ball in the other end.

Now that Michael Owen is washed up, ask yourself this. Who is the top-scoring Englishman in the Barclays Premier League?

It must be Wayne Rooney, but it's not. How about the tall lanky chap at Liverpool? Not him either. It won't be Owen and there aren't too many other contenders.

Ask your mates: 'Who is top of the charts?' See if they know.

The answer is Dave Kitson at Reading with eight goals.

So Fabio, my old son, if you are going to turn England back into a winning machine, you are going to have to earn your money. Anyone for five in midfield?

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At least now Scotland can plan for the long term having appointed George Burley.

They lost Walter Smith to Rangers and Alex McLeish to Birmingham, but nobody is going to want to come and take George, the first manager whose interview style represents his namesake from Rainbow. Yawn.

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Memo to the Africa Cup of Nations: Any chance of some defending?

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More unofficial rules of football:

1. Only support one club

2. Never bet against your own team

3. Only outstanding players can wear brightly coloured boots

4. Never boo your own players (especially when he is as good as David Bentley you morons)

5. Either support your local club, or the club you were born into (proof may be required)

6. Never get caught in your wife's underwear. Er...

Let me know of any more you would like to add and we'll keep them going and spread the word. Some fans need all the help they can get.

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Ron Harris, 795 appearances for Chelsea; Billy Bonds, 793 appearances for West Ham; Bobby Charlton, 759 appearances for Manchester United. And in fourth place, on 742 appearances, we have the loyal, modern-day phenomenon, Ryan Giggs.

As David Coleman would have said: 'That's quite remarkable.'

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THEY SAID: 'I said in the dressing room that this isn't the end, this is the beginning.'

Phil Neville, after lost 1-0 to Chelsea and played only one striker.

THEY MEANT: 'When I was at Manchester United, we used to win trophies.'

• Hatchet Man will be back on Monday