IF Cardiff are allowed into Europe then expect UEFA to push the merger of the home nations into one disunited, multi-national team


THERE are bigger footballers, it's time to have bigger goals


PIQUE has nothing to worry about for United

Rules are rules but instead the FA blithely talk of 'not ruling them out' of playing in Europe next season should they overcome the odds at Wembley on May 17 and lift the FA Cup at the expense of Harry Redknapp's Portsmouth.

UEFA then release a soundbite about 'looking at the possibility' of a club who are affiliated to the Welsh FA representing English football not even at home and abroad.

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Bullish: Cardiff manager Dave Jones

Even Cardiff boss Dave Jones, who deserves his time in the limelight more than most, jumps on the bandwagon, declaring: "Politically, it is a minefield. If we win it then we should go into Europe. There are two or three million people in Cardiff and they will all be banging on the door. There will be all hell to pay if we don't get in and I will be first in the queue."

Step over the 'banging', brush aside the 'queueing', welly the 'paying' into Row Z and there is only one bit of sense uttered in the above paragraph — the first five words.

Yes, it certainly is a political minefield, and should UEFA 'sanction' Cardiff's participation in Europe then expect that ultra-political Anglophobe, UEFA president Michel Platini, to start cranking up the pressure among his chums on FIFA's top table to merge England, Scotland, Northern Ireland AND Wales into one disunited, multi-national team for the World Cup and European Championship.

No thanks.

• Friday's HATCHET MAN

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Yesterday I advocated rewarding clubs who score more goals with more points. Well, now I've hatched up another brilliant idea to prevent our beautiful game from stagnating further (OK, let's take Spurs out of the mix, there's never a dull moment down at the Lane).

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? We've got to make the goals bigger.

It's a well-known fact that people have been getting taller as standards of living and nutrition have improved over the years. One normally reliable website I visited yesterday informed me that the height increase in Britain translates to approximately three-quarters of an inch per generation.

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Giant: Andreas Isaksson

So, when the game's great law-makers set the height of goals at 8ft and their width at 24ft, they were banking on their goalkeepers being four and a half inches shorter than they are now.

Taking the Premier League alone, there are giants (Manchester City's Andreas Isaksson stands at 6ft 6ins) and there are relative shrimps (Newcastle's Shay Given, at 6ft dead, is the shortest No 1 pick in the top flight).

The average height for goalkeepers in our premier league is 6ft 3ins.

It's a tall order but we need to move with the times... and move those goalposts.

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The 21-year-old Catalan is being brought in for tomorrow's Champions League return against Roma to solve the defensive crisis caused by Rio Ferdinand's foot injury.

OK, so there's no Francesco Totti to worry about, but Roma have enough quality in their team to cause problems.

It's a big ask for the lad — Sir Alex Ferguson has used Pique so sparingly this season that there is talk of him returning to Spain in the summer — but you only have to watch the opposition panic as the attacking spearhead of Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Carlos Tevez and Ryan Giggs bear down on them to realise that even if the youngster does makes mistakes at the back, there are bound to be goals, goals, goals at the other end.

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Sky's Alan Smith, take a bow... and don't come back again. You were practically invisible on the pitch for Arsenal (some doing in the most boring team ever to give English football a bad name) and now you fill the same role in the commentary box.

I don't want to turn off the volume when I'm watching a top Premier League game, but I will...

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The injury-prone Petr Cech has caused Avram Grant a huge headache, although probably not as big as the one the Czech keeper suffered courtesy of Tal Ben Haim's boot during a training session. It certainly shows how committed the Chelsea boys are as they endeavour to give their season some meaning.

Yes, I'm sure that's just what Avram's thinking as he approaches a thrilling run-in, where his team are fighting on two fronts, without his No 1 goalkeeper ... again!

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And while we're on the subject of Petr Cech, I wonder what type of protective gear his kit sponsors are working on for him next. Full body armour most likely.

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OK, you good people, you've got this far, so let's have a little quiz, based loosely on the What Happened Next? round in the much-loved A Question Of Sport.

"I still believe we will finish as League champions. I know some people don't share that belief, and I don't deny we have had a dip recently, but football is strange sometimes, and I know we have the quality to win our next five games and take the title. I am just as confident we can go all the way in the Champions League."

Arsene Wenger, speaking those immortal words yesterday, was:

a) Auditioning for Arsenal's end-of-season production of 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest'

b) There is no b.

c) The answer is a.