MY dossier on the England squad: Brown is proof you can fool all of the people, some of the time


WHAT is Upson doing there?


YOUNG is worth a run-out but does Gabby have the end product?


WHAT does Robert Green need to do to get in the squad?

• Read yesterday's Hatchet Man

GOALKEEPER

David James (Portsmouth) Average goalkeeper, but the best we have. Next mistake coming soon. Oops.

Scott Carson (Aston Villa) Average goalkeeper, but not the best we have. Next mistake coming soon. Oops.

Chris Kirkland (Wigan) Average goalkeeper. Next injury coming soon. Won't make a mistake, because he'll be injured. Oops.

DEFENDERS

Wayne Bridge (Chelsea) Fabio, did you not watch the Croatia game?

Ashley Cole (Chelsea) At least being back with the squad will give him an escape from the ear-bashing at home.

Curtis Davies (Villa) Says he played like a pub player on his Villa debut. Let him out with the Chelsea set then. Mine's a Jack Daniels and Coke. And while you're up there, Shaun, can I get some pork scratchings?

Glen Johnson (Portsmouth) Wasn't he meant to be marking Ronaldo when he walked through at Old Trafford?

Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd) Give him the job of organising the Christmas party. Or maybe not. What a cracker... nice stockings.

Ledley King (Spurs) Has he withdrawn injured yet (part one)?

Jonathan Woodgate (Spurs) Has he withdrawn injured yet (part two)?

Nicky Shorey (Reading) Ball boy turned full back turned ball boy. Fetch!

Wes Brown (Man Utd) Wouldn't be in the squad if he played for anyone else. Proof that you can fool all of the people, some of the time. Cover for the cover reserve right back understudy.

Joleon Lescott (Everton) Scores more goals than Michael Owen. Can he defend for England?

Micah Richards (Man City) Monster. Can't defend. Pick him anyway. Best torso in the squad, if you like that sort of thing.

Matthew Upson (West Ham) Benefits from playing behind West Ham's dull five-man midfield tactics. Left-footed, solid, nothing fancy. What is he doing here?

MIDFIELDERS

Michael Carrick (Man Utd) Two-footed, one-paced Manchester United sub.

Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) Player. More needed. Gareth Barry (Villa) Left-footed. Nice chap. Plays for Aston Villa. As much pace as a squashed squirrel. Still, he can pass the ball to his own team-mates, which is a bit strange for an England player.

Jermaine Jenas (Spurs) In form and has come to life after being such a waste of space for so long. Still not good enough, but give him another cap anyway. Already has 17! Can you believe that?

Owen Hargreaves (Man Utd) The man from Munich packed his passport, but left behind his best form. Come back soon. If you can get a game for your club, it might help.

Joe Cole (Chelsea) He gets the ball, he dribbles, he loses the ball. Truth is, he was the next best thing until the rest overtook him. A bit like Gary Barlow.

Ashley Young (Villa) Right-footed, left-sided player. Quick. Might be worth a run-out. Why didn't Steve McClaren work that bit out?

Stewart Downing (Middlesbrough) Left-footed, left-sided player (there is one, after all). Not quick, can't hack it at the highest level when the fans get on his back. Pick him anyway.

Shaun Wright-Phillips (Chelsea) Right-sided, right-footed player. Quick. Improving. Still not good enough, poor final ball. Why did he leave a club at the weekend with a bottle of Jack Daniels sticking out of his pocket?

David Bentley (Blackburn) The new DB. So, can you kick it? Yes you can. Play him.

FORWARDS

Emile Heskey (Wigan) Big lump. And Dean Ashton can't get a game for West Ham. Gabriel Agbonlahor (Villa) Quick but does he have the end product? Probably not yet. Unless Owen really is shot to pieces, will probably only be used as an impact sub. Wayne Rooney (Man Utd) Pick him, before he gets banned again soon, just when we need him.

Michael Owen (Newcastle) Picked on past glories. Liven up!

Peter Crouch (Liverpool) Can't get a game for his club. Pick him anyway, good for reaching the scouting reports on the top shelf.

••••••

What does Robert Green need to do to get in the England squad? A man can only keep so many clean sheets. The England coach hasn't yet watched West Ham. Or Birmingham, Derby, Fulham and Manchester City. Why not? Isn't that his job, for which he is paid £6m?

••••••

Jermain Defoe has had to take a step back to go forward. He has lost his way at Tottenham, but Harry Redknapp will restore his confidence. Mark my words, he could prove to be the best buy of deadline day, but he needs to improve his attitude and get back to work. The goals will follow.

••••••

They said: "Once I played at right back, then left back, then right midfield or as the defensive midfielder. I don't like such rotation." - David Rozenhal as he escapes from Newcastle

They meant: "I am versatile, but does anyone at Newcastle know what they are doing?"