REVEALED: The new West Ham shirt that might not placate angry Curbishley


DOES anybody at White Hart Lane like Pascal Chimbonda?


STAMFORD Bridge gets ready to welcome Brazilian pariah Ronaldinho

Hatchet Man goes live and dangerous on Monday at noon with his inaugural webchat.

• Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

Think you can go boot-to-boot with the columnist who goes in hardest? Log in here on Monday morning to start submitting your questions. Or, if you're too chicken, just sign in and watch the tackles fly ...

I take no pleasure in saying it, but Hatchet Man was right. Bolton bowed out with little more than a whimper in Lisbon and, although, we should all applaud the Trotters for their UEFA Cup endeavours – they drew in Munich, won in Belgrade and went through in Madrid - I think it's important to chastise Gary Megson for wasting mine and everyone else's time.

What a turgid Thursday evening. Bolton were never going to win with their "Dog and Duck" pub side - I told you that yesterday.

OK, so Wigan away on Sunday could be worth millions to Wanderers come crunch time in May, but Bolton's bench (not to mention the starting XI) screamed D-E-F-E-A-T.

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Megson was right, it was no Dog and Duck squad – most of the subs bench would have been reaching for their ID to buy a pint after the game.

With the exception of ex-England keeper Ian Walker and striker Daniel Braaten, the Bolton substitutes were: Zoltan Harsanyi (20), James Sinclair (20), Robert Sissons (19), Nathan Woolfe (19) and Scott Jamieson (19).

The bar staff would certainly have been asking these youngsters to prove their age. Unless they got Walker to go to the bar for them, if you could drag the old fella away from the fire.

Hatchet Man's all for blooding young talent, Gary, but Sporting Lisbon away, 1-1 on aggregate with a place in the last eight at stake?

If you're not going to take it seriously, get out and stay out.

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So, Newcastle chairman Mike Ashley is getting jittery about manager Kevin Keegan's inability to turn around results.

• Read MATT LAWTON'S exclusive report here

Some judge of character Ashley has proved to be. As if the appointment of "King Kev" hasn't been disastrous enough, this from the man he appointed to run the club ...

Chairman Chris Mort yesterday said: "Kevin has got the players playing very well."

Erm, which Newcastle United have you been watching, Chris?

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By the way, where's Wisey?

• Remember this? Click here to find out

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Time for a Hatchet Man exclusive... Take a look at West Ham United's shirt for next season.

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Somehow I can't see Alan "the Press are all against me" Curbishley seeing the funny side. It's a joke, Alan, just like your defence. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

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Spurs fans won't find this comfortable reading – bitter London rivals Chelsea played a part in them tumbling out of the UEFA Cup.

In the same way Blues defender Alex spent three years in Eindhoven before the Stamford Bridge club took up an option to sign him for 52p, Chelsea have a similar deal in place with PSV's Alcides.

Come Wednesday night's penalties, the 22-year-old Brazilian wasn't called upon to steal Euro glory from Spurs, but the defender knows all about robbery and keeping cool under pressure.

When preparing to move on loan to Benfica two-and-a-half years ago, Alcides was kidnapped in Sao Paulo, but quickly negotiated his own release by convincing his abductors that he wasn't a footballer.

Unfortunately for Tottenham, he was every bit a player in their European ejection.

Rumour is that Spurs new-boy Gilberto suffered the same fate, negotiated freedom in the same manner - and has been proved right.

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Brazil's globe-trotting international side are used to wheeling out the big stars for meaningless but lucrative friendlies on foreign soil.

But Ronaldinho's lustre has faded so much that he hasn't even made the squad for the five-time World Cup winners' friendly with Sweden at Arsenal's Emirates Stadium on March 26.

Already outshone by Leo Messi at Barcelona - who also have teen sensations Giovani dos Santos and Bojan Krkic fighting to take his crown - the same is now happening to Ronaldinho with the Samba Stars. Alexandre Pato is the new kid in town who is even the icon Nike turn to more and more in their South American adverts.

Check out Pato's skills here...

See the video below

And Pato has not just taken Ronaldinho's Brazil place. The 18-year-old has made such an impact at AC Milan since joining in January that the Italian giants' long-standing flirting with the Barcelona forward is dead in the water, with AC Milan supremo Silvio Berlusconi insisting he would be surplus to requirements.

Unloved and out of form, what Ronaldinho needs is a mega-rich club owner with too much money and not enough sense.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing one Roman Abramovich.

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Still in Brazil, footballers in the South American country pride themselves on being the innovators of The Beautiful Game but one of them has been taking inspiration from Steve Watson – remember him?

VIDEO: Brazil's Blonde Bombshell

That's Brazil women's Under-20s' starlet Leah but the defender should beware - look where it got Watson!

The flame-haired workhorse can now be seen in the lower reaches of the Coca-Cola Championship with Sheffield Wednesday after an almost glorious career with Newcastle, Aston Villa, Everton and West Brom.

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GOOD WEEK...

English clubs in the Champions League - fab four, too right.

Cardiff City - a 2-0 away win against Premier League opposition to reach a Wembley semi-final on Sunday, and back to the day job on Wednesday beating play-off-bound dirty Hull 1-0. Dave Jones & Co, well done boyos.

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Frank Lampard – four goals and a dig at his club for not being more forthcoming on contract negotiations. When you've just bagged four you can ask for the moon on a stick. Roman will no doubt deliver.

BAD WEEK...

English clubs in the UEFA Cup - brilliant Everton, valiant Spurs, under-strength Bolton: still, losers all three.

Pascal Chimbonda - Does anyone at White Hart Lane like him? The Spurs villain, who showed everyone that he doesn't really want to play for the club with his Wembley strop, then misses the crucial penalty in Wednesday's UEFA Cup second leg in Eindhoven. Duh!

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Kevin Keegan - again - from now on I'm just going to cut and paste his name into this position every Friday until he leaves Newcastle.

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Don't forget to log in on Monday at noon for your chance to go in hard on the Hatchet Man.