That was the Sporting Week

First Half
3mins - it's early doors, but Florent Malouda is already hard at work proving you don't even have to be the best footballer at your school to make it as a professional.

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Bloody hell: That was some tackle

14mins - Having been warned to keep his reckless tackling in check for fear of dismissal, Paul Scholes opts instead for a 'Ginger Ninja' flying head smash to stop a Chelsea attack in its tracks. He proves to be rubbish at these as well and succeeds only in breaking his own nose.

22mins - Didier Drogba goes to ground, where he takes a call from his agent updating him on possible summer transfers and pleading with his star client to use a different hair gel if he wants to stop looking silly and start pulling in the blue chip men's toiletries endorsements.

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Down and out: Drogba gets comfy

26mins - Cristiano Ronaldo embellishes his claim to be the best player in the world with a towering header which puts United 1-0 ahead. The winger immediately rushes towards adoring fans and issues a prepared statement confirming he will definitely be staying at the club - at least until extra time and probably right through the penalty shoot-out if a new wage deal can be sorted during the interval.
United supporters will soon be wishing he had left it at extra time.

45mins - Heroic Frank Lampard pulls brave Chelsea level as he vies with John Terry - Chelsea's Mr Chelsea - for the title of Mr Stamford Bridge. Which is rated even higher than the Mr Chelsea award. But you have to have been Mr Chelsea before you can be considered in the voting for Mr Stamford Bridge. So where does that leave Mr Abramovich?

SECOND HALF
A thrilling match is brought to the boil with missed chances, last-ditch clearances, fingertip saves and Ryan Giggs coming on to break Sir Bobby Charlton's club appearance record - in a pair of special edition white, red and gold Reebok KFS Sprintfit Pro II boots inscribed with the number 759 to indicate his new mark.

Up in the stands, Sir Bobby pulls his customised, double-knit, wind and rain resistant SuperPro car blanket over his knees, snuggles back into his 100% authentic aged oak bath chair and begins praying that the game does not go to penalties, by which time advanced frostbite and lock-jaw will undoubtedly have set in as the sun rises over Moscow.

85mins - Chelsea receive a late reward for their second-half dominance when it is confirmed on the stadium Tannoy that Lampard has won this week's Sky SoccerAM crossbar challenge and Drogba has finished second by hitting the post. Though admirable, these achievements are not thought likely to save coach Avram Grant's job.

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Split decision: Rio shows Joe Cole his best bits

EXTRA-TIME
98mins - Rio Ferdinand showcases the new moonwalk dance which he will be premiering at Chinawhite nightclub during the club end of season disco. Realising too late that the display will enrage manager Sir Alex Ferguson, Rio attempts to pretend he is suffering from cramp and is booked for simulation.

116mins - having stuck a 'come and get me' plea all over the European media for the past two months, Drogba decides he may as well 'stick one' all over Nemanja Vidic. The referee sticks a 'go and get dressed' plea all over Drogba.

PENALTIES
Ronaldo gives the clearest sign yet that he is unsure whether he is coming or going by stopping then starting. Petr Cech easily saves the feeble spot-kick which follows - at least giving Ronaldo the chance to start crying before anyone else, rather like the boy in the playground who knows he broke the window but is eager to deflect the blame if at all possible.

Drogba is busy chairing a conference call between competing agents and two Spanish clubs in the changing rooms, leaving Terry to take the decisive fifth penalty.
Thanks pal.

Please note: No elite sporting icons were harmed in the writing of this column.

HATCHET MAN IS ON HIS SUMMER HOLIDAYS