THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Cross Cris Ronaldo and his jug of Pimms


IS Ian Wright the next Alec Gilroy?


AND Spurs defender Woodgate's continued search for an affordable London home

Cristiano Ronaldo is accused of showboating during Manchester United's crucial 2-1 victory over Arsenal at Old Trafford.

The born entertainer hits back by explaining that his white rabbit, top hat and fold-away card table are essential tools of the modern winger's trade.

• Last week's week that was

Cross Cris also points out that the picnic rug and Pimm's jug which he laid out during the over-inflated pause in his penalty run-up are also indispensable and in no way intended to distract the goalkeeper.

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MONDAY

Tiger Woods exclusively reveals that he will be putting his bid to win the Grand Slam of golf on ice for another year.

Woods had stated that he was aiming to triumph in all four Majors this season but had a sudden change of heart over the weekend.

Sceptics suspect that the about-turn may be linked to outsider Trevor Immelman winning the Masters but as no-one bothered staying awake to witness the finale to a tedious last day, we'll just have to accept Tiger's version of events.

TUESDAY

Sunderland boss Roy Keane outlines his far-reaching plans to draw on experiences outside the insular world of football.

After he has finished studying within the All Blacks rugby union camp, Keane will be rushed out to Afghanistan where he will serve with a crack unit of paras. Al-Qaeda are predicted to surrender within hours.

WEDNESDAY

Stack-heeled Sven is angering impatient owner Thaksin Sinatra as Manchester City's season dribbles to a listless conclusion.

Angering Thaksin is officially rated 'not a healthy thing to do' by highly-respected political commentators the world over.

Thaksin is said to be fed up with a run of poor results and falling attendances at Eastlands. Apparently people keep disappearing.

Sven's time may also be up at City - and he is strongly advised to take the money and run.

The alternatives when falling foul of Sinatra's 'tighten the bolts' regime do not bear thinking about.

THURSDAY

Ian Wright quits as a BBC football pundit, causing widespread despair and mourning on a scale not seen since Alec Gilroy left Coronation Street. Rumours that Wright has walked out in order to make himself available should Jeremy Paxman vacate the Newsnight chair cannot be dismissed.

FRIDAY

Rugby union fall-guy Brian Ashton is offered complete control over the cleaning and upkeep of the Twickenham toilet block as RFU officials attempt to ease his misery at being sacked as England coach.

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Twickers big-wigs refuse to accept that they have treated Brian shamefully during the drawn-out saga to appoint Martin Johnson as supremo. Hell, they've given Ashton his own mop haven't they?

Avram Grant holds an impromptu press conference to explain his bizarre post-match behaviour at Goodison Park last night.

Grant appears dressed as a giant blue rabbit, explains that he has resolved to be more like his hero Jose Mourinho and will start by becoming self-serving, devious and petty during press interviews.

Roman Abramovich begins the hunt for Grant's replacement immediately.

WOODY'S SEARCH FOR A REASONABLY-PRICED STARTER HOME – Week Eight (or how we help multi-millionaire Jonathan Woodgate overcome his resentment of London property prices).

Woody's wedge in the eight week's since he revealed his property nightmare: £520,000

What we've found for Woody this week: Commuting from the Middle East is getting Woody down, so we're back in London - in a one-man tent on Hampstead Heath.

What it costs: as little as £40 from good outdoor pursuit retail outlets.

Rip off rating: 1/10.

Woody will have to buy a sleeping bag and torch as well as the tent but, apart from pitching fees, there will be few overheads.

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Downside: heating your Pot Noodle on a camping stove can use a lot of expensive gas, which may anger penny-pinching Woody.

Please note: no elite sporting icons were harmed during the writing of this column