THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: Dickie Bird feels the Barnsley burn


STEVE Gibson proves that fans don't make good chairmen


AND Woodgate takes to the water in search of an affordable London home

The greatest single day in the history of the old competition sees Barnsley and Portsmouth through to the FA Cup semi-finals, where they are joined by Cardiff and West Brom.

Just as everyone is celebrating the return of romance to the world's greatest knock-out tournament, Barnsley ruin it all by releasing their own fitness DVD to rival 'Wags Work-out' which helped drive Cardiff to glory.

• Last week's week that was

Titled 'Dickie Bird goes for the burn' the two-hour extravaganza will be on sale at all good ironmongers in the run-up to the club's big day out in London.

Harry Redknapp, never one to miss out on the chance of making a quick buck with some cheap foreign imports, starts flogging Portsmouth's offering 'Learn to cha-cha-cha with the Navy boys' from the shed in his back garden.

Albion are still working on their concept but Adrian Chiles is believed to be available for vocal work.

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson's concern about having to play the semi-finals at Wembley proves a waste of energy – rather like his worry that the catering for Arsene Wenger's birthday party might be below par.

Don't fret Fergie, you won't be going to either event.

SUNDAY

If you can do it while smoking a cigarette, it's not a sport.

This is generally accepted to be the definition which sorts casual pastimes from authentic sporting endeavours – meaning snooker and darts do not make the cut, whatever Sid Waddell might tell you about phenomenal stamina levels and lightening arm speed at the oche.

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It also means that Crufts is in, as any competitor strolling around the ring with his pooch while dragging on a Woodbine would be booed off and banished from his local bridge club indefinitely.

And imagine the uproar which would have ensued if Best in Show 2008 – a Giant Schnauzer who goes by the name of Philip – had been caught backstage in his velvet lounge coat and house slippers indulging a secret passion for fine Cuban cigars.

At this year's final my eyes were glued to a boisterous, wide-bottomed hunter who brought the room to attention as soon as she took centre stage.

Boasting a perky gait, an inquisitive manner and a lustrous mane of hair, the hound in question certainly possessed ample star quality as she challenged for champion working dog.

But enough about Clare Balding.

MONDAY

Despite the cunning ruse revealed exclusively here last week that England have taken to playing their Test matches at the dead of night in New Zealand to avoid adverse publicity, Michael Vaughan's brave warriors are so bad in defeat that they still attract widespread derision.

ECB emergency plan No 42: Make youthful vigour count – try to set up a fixture against Old Zealand.

TUESDAY

Ample evidence that fans do not make good football club chairmen comes during the inquest into Middlesbrough's FA Cup capitulation against Cardiff.

Boro owner Steve Gibson stays away from training to avoid the players whose wages he pays and manager Gareth Southgate reveals: "Steve is very angry but very supportive."

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Players' interpretation: "Nice one Steve, we play like drains and humiliate your club, then don't even have to explain ourselves at training on the Monday morning."

Early plans for Boro's summer pre-season schedule are believed to include a stag week in Ibiza with no curfew followed by a 10-day tour of Thai lap-dancing clubs.

A couple of days light jogging before the first league game will be fitted in if senior players agree and it does not impede on the squad's annual golf day, barbecue or poker weekend.

WEDNESDAY

Cheltenham is abandoned due to high winds in a disappointing triumph of sense over inebriation.

So what if the Guinness Village is unstable? So is everyone in it, that's the whole point. The punters wouldn't have noticed if the tent had collapsed on top of them.

Showing commendable initiative, Festival officials quickly organise an alternative betting bonanza with the first running of the Jockey's Steeplechase.

A swift transfer of the dogs' obstacle course from Crufts provides a suitably testing circuit for the little men with no fear.

THURSDAY

Concerned Manchester City owner Thaksin Sinatra is due back at the club having attended to some "personal matters".

He issues the warning: "City have lost too many games in the last three or four months while I have been busy. I have to go back and tighten the bolt."

Hmmm. Tighten the bolt. That is not a phrase you really want to hear from a man with Thaksin's allegedly intriguing human rights record.

Sven the seducer may well decide to place his stack-heeled shoes inside the bedroom rather than leaving them in the corridor on his next hotel assignment.

And so to Woody's search for a reasonably priced starter home – Week Three (or how we help multi-millionaire Jonathan Woodgate overcome his resentment of London property prices).

Woody's wedge in the three weeks since he revealed his property nightmare: £195,000

What we've found for Woody this week - To quote from the estate agent: "An opportunity to buy a unique home within a quiet wharf location, this one-bedroomed houseboat offers peaceful surroundings and quirky accommodation. Features include a bedroom with port hole windows and a wet room."

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What it costs: £62,500 Rip of rating: 0/10 – although this property costs a little more than last week's parking space in Shoreditch, we feel it is time for Woody to push the boat out.

Downside: limited head space for central defenders and the possibility of live haddock flapping around on the carpet while you're trying to watch the football on your portable TV.