TOON characters' showdown talks at a Little Chef where King Kev gets a taste of Sugar


CECH backs Roman's global domination plan with orange defensive shield


IF SPURS aren't big enough for Berba, why would a real star like Eto'o go there?

"I get on great with the owner because I never talk to him."

• Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

Today the former England legend will get his chance. Keegan has been summoned south to London for crisis talks with those other two Toon characters, Fat Ash and Dennis the Menace – AKA club owner Mike Ashley and executive director brackets football close-brackets Dennis Wise.

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If you fancy catching the Tooners in the act, I have it on good authority that the trio will be putting their heads together at the Little Chef on the A1 at Baldock – it used to be a Happy Eater, little Dennis's favourite.

This is how I imagine the meeting going

King Kev: "Hiya boys, good to see you. No need to stand up, Den."

Dennis 'Brackets' Wise: "I already am."

KK: "Oh, oops. Sorry, big man"

D(W): "That's not the meanest thing you've said about me this week, is it? Here I've been in the London branch of NUFC slogging my guts out putting together a comprehensive list of summer transfer targets, when off you go letting your mouth run away with you. Again. Saying I'm not up to the job."

KK: "Well, I just think that to push on and compete in the Premier League, Dennis, we need to be targeting proven players of quality, like Alan Shearer for instance or Sami Hyppia. Not lads with potential who'll increase in value, like say Theo Walcott, Peter Crouch or Jermaine Beckford.

"But I'm a fair man, with a proven history of spotting circus talent. I'll listen to your ideas. What you got?"

D(W): "Well, I picked this one up from a certain London club that I may, or may not, have ever been associated with – get them in young. Poach them, tap them up if needs be. Because they're young the compensation you've got to pay is tiny – just like your ego, Kev.

"The London club that I may, or may not, have ever been associated with have already had a go at Leeds's Academy, I think we should have a pop at Boro's. So that's my first great idea.

"What do you think, Mike?"

MA: "Hmmmm, another egg buttie, please."

KK: " No, no, no, Dennis. Try these for size: Ronaldinho."

D(W): "Too old."

KK: "Paul Scholes – imagine him and Nicky butt reunited in midfield?"

D(W): "Too slow."

KK: "Well I need some goalkeeping cover – David James?"

D(W): "An accident waiting to happen."

KK: "Pierre van Hooijdonk? Stan Collymore? Jari Litmanen?"

D(W): "No, no, no. Perhaps I could steer you towards Robert Green, Jermaine Pennant, John Bostock, Danny Guthrie, Joleon Lescott, David Wheater or Kris Commons."

KK: "Madness, Dennis, what have they achieved?"

D(W): "Ah, but my job's all about identifying those that can achieve with Newcastle, Kev. And you ain't really achieved much with the Toon, have you?"

KK: "Mr Ashley, what do you think? (By the way, you've get egg on your face)"

MA: "This is an absolute shambles. Kevin. You're FIRED!"

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Keegan almost walked out at St James' in March 1992 when the club's directors refused to sanction a £1million swoop for Swindon's David Kerslake. So King Kev's barmy transfer policy is long-standing. Get rid while you can, MA.

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Following on from their current horrendous fluorescent yellow away shirts, Petr Cech has revealed their new secret weapon for glory developed in Roman Abramovich's laboratory that chances are is housed in a large fake mountain on an island somewhere in southeast Asia's ocean expanse.

The (pictured) outfit - a cross between a protective (admittedly useful for Cech) suit used in a nuclear reactor and an outfit from Strictly Come Dancing - is the colour that, according to the big Czech, "spreads the most when the striker attacks, in the split of a second as he focuses."

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I know Chelsea's oft-stated aim is to be the biggest club on the planet but are they now just trying to become the first football team visible from space?

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So, Roy Keane has started the clear-out at Sunderland. Andy Cole, Stanislav Varga, Ian Harte and Stephen Wright are all on their way out.

Trust me, Roy, you can find more trash for the jumble sale if you look hard enough.

The Wearsiders' boss wants another £50million to spend this summer - on top of the £40m he largely wasted in the last year.

Keane's strategy has seemed to be to sign his old mates from Manchester United and Celtic, plus some of the best players in the Championship.

If the top division hadn't been struck by an abundance of awful teams this season, Sunderland would have gone straight back down.

Andy Reid might have done well since joining in January and Craig Gordon looks a good keeper, even if he is Scottish and cost £9m.

But the crime sheet includes the uninspiring Kieran Richardson, 18 appearances after a £5.5m move, and Michael Chopra - a whopping six goals in 33 games since his £5m move from Cardiff.

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Then there is Kenwyne Jones, signed for £6m from Southampton. Laughably likened to Didier Drogba, the difference is that Chelsea striker scores goals. Seven in 32 starts is hardly the sign of a top-class striker.

Would you open your chequebook to Keano?

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Barcelona might be in a mess, but why would Samuel Eto'o want to leave the Nou Camp for Tottenham?

If Spurs aren't big enough for Dimitar Berbatov, then why would a real international star want to trade places?

Maybe it's because Spurs will finish in the top four next season. That's what they usually say at White Hart Lane at this time of year.

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It might have been a plausible ambition sitting in fifth for the last two years, but from 11th?

Tottenham hardly look any closer to closing the gap on the big four and losing their sulking Bulgarian without a serious target lined up is Hardly going to help.

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How are Crystal Palace the bookies' favourites to win the play-offs? Anybody putting money on them might as well as throw it down the drain.

"But they did it under Dowie after a late run," they all argue. What relevance does that have now? None. Comparing modern Palace to the Palace of 2003-04 is an insult to Dowie. The 2004 play-off winners had won 17 out of 23 matches on the way to scraping into sixth place.

A bit different to the current Palace squad who, in their past 18 games, have won just six and have only made it into the play-off zone because of the incompetence of the teams around them.

Admittedly, most of those six wins have been relatively recently but I don't think that beating Colchester and Scunthorpe qualifies a team as play-off favourites.

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Also, the Palace of 2004 had a 32-goal-a-season striker by the name of Andy Johnson. Their key man up front this time - Clinton Morrison - is nowhere near as big a threat and has managed just half of Johnson's tally.

Elsewhere on the park, it is clear that this is a very different-looking side to 2004 with a different tactical approach. Most notably, it is a squad full of kids.

If you think a bunch of schoolboys can handle the pressure of a Wembley final then think again. They were playing in P.E. lessons not so long ago so watch them buckle in front of 100,000 fans.

It's only because Palace were so mediocre earlier this season, that they are starting to look good now.

Compare their results head-to-head with Hull over the past few months and you will realise that Palace are not the form team. Warnock a play-off specialist? Not for long...

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VIDEO: 25 seconds of pure, unadulterated, footballing gold. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXpUdBlRZe8