WEIGHT Hart Lane, where losing pounds goes against the grain of money-grabbing Premier League chief Scudamore


THE Irish have no pride ... why else would they appoint an Italian manager?


BRIDGE pulls the Trigger on his Chelsea career

Once, in replying to an observation about the lack of British Asians playing football, he sashayed down a logical pathway all his own before telling his bemused guests: "Well, you don't see any Chinese playing cricket, do you?".

• Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

But the biggest problem about being a natural-born capitalist is that you can't ever stop to admire your achievements. You have to keep trying to expand, even if it's just the hole you're digging for yourself.

So even as the evil genius behind Gam£ 39, former British Airways chief executive Sir Rod Eddington, was creating a little clear blue water between himself and his brainchild, as reported in today's Sportsmail, Scudamore was still brazening it out yesterday.

Ignoring the fact that the list of potential venues for his travelling circus now comprises Afghanistan and Rockall, Scudamore insisted that the Premier League clubs are skipping hand in hand towards their global destiny like lovers through the meadow.

But the fans, Richard! What about the principle that football teams contend for the prizes with their own fans in attendance?

• JUST SAY NO ... JOIN SPORTSMAIL'S CAMPAIGN TO STOP THE PREMIER LEAGUE BEING TAKEN ABROAD

"It is our absolute intention that as many fans will travel as possible to these games," he said. "It is important that what is transmitted back here in broadcast terms is as unique and attractive proposition as can be.

"We want fans to be engaged and we want fans to see the opportunity. We wouldn't be doing this unless we thought that what was going to be put on was a very, very exciting proposition."

And at that point you knew he had fallen out of the very, very stupid tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

It's bad enough planning and shelling out for a day at Legoland. Does he really, truly, honestly believe there is no impediment, in terms of money or logistics, to taking the kids out of school and flying halfway across the world and back to take in a goalless draw between Reading and Blackburn?

For the love of God, man, put a sock in it.

••••••

So Tottenham under Martin Jol liked stuffing their faces with cakes and sweets! Who'd have guessed?

Personally I think Juande's set the bar a little low in demanding that they lose 100kg between them, but still...apparently they're halfway there.

Well done, Paul Robinson and Tom Huddlestone!

••••••

I wish the Republic of Ireland and Giovanni Trapattoni the very best of luck. But really, what good can come from parcelling up your pride and handing it over to an Italian, even if he does have a couple of medals to boast about?

••••••

Bridge warns Chelsea: Play me in Carling Cup Final or I'll leave. Thus the best left back at the Bridge seals delivery of his P45. See you, mate. Thanks for popping in.

Apparently Wayne's nickname in the dressing room is Trigger, as in the Only Fools And Horses character. Consider this gem from last year's Carling Cup Final:

"I don't care what happened during the game - we got three points and that's all that counts."

Bless.

••••••

Who's the fastest player in the Premier League? The question appears to have attracted a smidgeon of interest elsewhere on this site, what with concerns about the methodology and scientific rigour of the quest to find the answer.

Personally, I can't get too worked up about it. But then I favour deftness of touch and speed of thought over all those unsightly fast-twitch muscles - anything more than a 10-yard sprint is likely to end in a discreet Zidane by the side of the pitch.

Who is the fastest player in the Premier League?

••••••

He said...

"It's a strategic play that involves all 20 that creates and makes sure our solidarity mechanisms and that the league stays together when doing this rather than cherry-picking the odd game or a club or doing something differently."

Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore

He meant...

"Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you're under ... you're not under?

"Damn."

••••••

Respect to ...

Roy Keane. Not a word (yet) about Eamon Dunphy and his singular interpretation of the noun "friendship".

Sheer, unbridled contempt for ...

Former Millwall midfielders whose insatiable need for attention trumps all sense of when to shut up.