WELL done Ramos, the tactical genius - you've unearthed Gilberto, a Brazilian who cannot play football


SPURS wing wizard Aaron Lennon - why are you rubbish now?


AND poundstretcher Hammers striker Ashton must weight for his chance

The early part of the week brought victories for Arsenal, Manchester United and Chelsea, but they didn't go into European combat parading the Carling Cup (I warned you that it was a rubbish idea, didn't I?).

• Yesterday's HATCHET MAN

Tottenham started with one pot and ended up being made to look tin-pot by PSV and their composed European pedigree.

"Can we play Gilberto every week," sang their fans.

Scroll down for more

West Ham, on a run of losing each game 4-0, believe that if Gilberto retains his place on Sunday for the Barclays Premier League fixture against Tottenham, they might get a 4-4 draw. He's the first Brazilian who can't play.

"Spurs have had a bit of a lesson here tonight," said Andy Townsend. Yes, never play Gilberto again.

Meanwhile, it's been a bad time for Everton. Six goals in two games across Stanley Park from Fernando Torres brought them more deflation than a balloon on a date with a needle. Hello fifth place.

Then they walked into Fiorentina, who reminded us that the self-appointed "best league in the world" still has something to learn from the Italians.

After Arsenal mauled Milan, Everton were left finished in Florence. Surely they cannot come back from that.

I'm not ignoring Bolton - unlike ITV and the rest of the TV companies - but a 1-1 home draw against Sporting Lisbon is hardly a passport into the last eight, either.

A bad night at the coalface for all.

••••••

Whatever has happened to that explosive, direct, dangerous, threatening, speed merchant who was Aaron Lennon? With Fabio Capello watching, Lennon booked himself in for more cold turkey in the Under 21s.

How has he become so distinctly average?

••••••

Star of the night: Listen to David Pleat on ITV and you will learn more about the game in 90 minutes than any of the other co-commentators.

Pleaty knows the game and educates as he goes.

Hatchet Man's league of TV co-commentators:

1 David Pleat 2 Andy Gray 3 Mark Lawrenson 4 Craig Burley 5 Jim Beglin 6 Alan Smith 7 Ray Wilkins.

••••••

Mourinho, paid to turn up at a press conference and spout nonsense so that his sponsors have coverage in the newspapers, said this: "I'm so much in love with the English game and so much in love with Premiership that if I was in position to say yes or no, then we play every Premiership game in England.

Scroll down for more

"If they want to do something abroad, why not a Charity Shield in New York or a Carling Cup Final in Tokyo or Seoul?"

Shut up and go away, unless you can think of something interesting to say.

••••••

Dean Ashton is looking twice the person and half the player he used to be.

Has he been on the 'Mido Diet' or should we show him some sympathy because of the injuries he has suffered?

Remember, Ashton was picked to lead England's attack at the start of last season, until a tackle from Shaun Wright-Phillips in training broke the former Crewe and Norwich star's ankle.

• THE DOMINO EFFECT: Ashton loves a pizza the action

He's an old-style centre forward - and was the new Alan Shearer when he was banging in the goals and playing regularly - but can he rediscover his form and, crucially, his fitness?

Alan Curbishley won't trust him with a regular starting place and some West Ham fans are claiming he is looking more like John Hartson when he thunders on from the bench.

Hatchet Man wishes him well but it looks an uphill struggle.

••••••

More trouble ahead for West Ham over the signing of Carlos Tevez and a court case with his owner Kia Joorabchian.

This is one that just won't go quietly ... where will it end up?

They should have had points deducted the last time this came under scrutiny.

Somebody hasn't been telling the truth.

••••••

The MLS team, Colombus Crew, are in England playing pre-season friendlies, against the reserves of Everton and Blackburn's second string.

If that's the level of their preparation, it makes you wonder how David Beckham ever hopes the standard of football for the LA Galaxy will ever be enough for him to win his century of caps.

He's got no chance but at least the cheque at the end of the month makes up for it, eh?

••••••

Hands up if you had written off Michael Ballack as a £130,000-a-week waste of money? Oops.

••••••

I'll be cheering for Portsmouth against Manchester United. The romance of the FA Cup needs Harry Redknapp to go to Wembley for the first time in his career.

How about a last four of: Portsmouth, Chelsea, West Brom and Middlesbrough. I might have to check out the odds.

••••••

I will stray into rugby - just briefly. The talented Danny Cipriani has been kicked out of the England team for going to a nightclub.

Quite right. Anyone who goes out wearing turned-up jeans should be punished.