WOMEN in football? No, leave them in the kitchen where they belong


MAKE Styles referee Chelsea for ever as punishment for being rubbish


THEY are all queueing up to play Spurs every week after Woodgate has his best game for Magpies

They do not make for good football commentators.

Jacqui Oatley, reporting from Birmingham versus Manchester City on Match of the Day, showed why she should never be allowed near the microphone again.

• The previous HATCHET MAN

"There is nothing to shout and scream about here," she said from Saint Andrews. So why did she then spend the commentary shouting and screaming?

Her tone of voice reminds me of Mrs Hatchet complaining when I'm late in from the pub. Her pitch (not the green one) is a shrill and a whine.

The BBC are right to have given her a go. Now thank her for her efforts and give her a mop.

••••••

"What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger."

Was it Arsene Wenger who said that originally? There are times when Arsenal are a disappointment, when they play by different rules and see a different game from the rest of us, when we must highlight their lack of English talent.

And there are times when you have to admire their football, their courage, their quality, their swagger and their ability to recover from the point of no return.

Two goals behind at Bolton, down to ten men and apparently heading for another defeat, in the middle of their worst run for nine years.

Then back come Arsenal. Back they come with brave and positive substitutions, energy from the remarkable Mathieu Flamini and three goals that keeps them creeping along in third place.

They probably won't win the title, but they might still cause a problem for Manchester United when they go to Old Trafford - and they regularly win our respect.

••••••

Hatchet Man does not do dissent. He agrees with the Brian Clough school of abuse. Players can't show indiscipline to the officials ... let the manager put the boot in, instead.

However, there is an exception to this rule. When referees are as bad as Rob Styles, they deserve a good scream, shout and swear.

How about as a punishment for his pathetic performance at Birmingham, Styles has to referee Chelsea – Ashley Cole, John Terry and the rest of their baying mob – for the rest of the season.

I swear it's a good idea.

••••••

I am not paid £6million and beyond the odd ciao, I don't have much Italian swagger about me, but I have an idea that could benefit England.

Hatchet Man went to Portsmouth on Saturday and, while playing against Wigan's defence isn't much practice for taking on the best in the world, Jermain Defoe is looking like a master marksman again.

It's now eight goals in seven games since being loved up by Harry Redknapp and rescued from woodworm at Tottenham and with England looking for a spearhead, he has to be worth a decent run in the team.

He is a goalscorer, a fox in the box, and while his character is often flaky (asking West Ham for a transfer the day after they were relegated, for instance), he knows where the goal is. Let's take a look.

••••••

The "Can We Play You Every Week Award?" goes to Tottenham.

Second place: Aston Villa.

••••••

Arsenal's Diaby deserved his red, but why didn't Howard Webb send off Lee Carsley for an equally crude challenge in the Merseyside derby when he left the ground, showed his studs, lacked control in his tackle and came crunching down on Fernando Torres?

Webb is the best ref in the game, but he got that wrong.

••••••

Bye-bye to Derby. We know it's hard, but can we please make sure that no team is quite so rubbish ever again.

And it's 21 games without a win now for Paul Jewell. We know he has the excuse of the inheriting a poor team, but why is he being paid for being quite so hopeless?

••••••

More injuries for West Ham, more moaning from Alan Curbishley.

Perhaps he ought to look at the injury prevention work he is doing at the club. It can't all be a coincidence.

••••••

Good weekend

Arsenal. Two-nil down, three-two up. Just sensational.

Fernando Torres. More goals in a debut season than Henry or Drogba.

Manchester United. Football played at a breathtaking pace, even if Villa are already on the beach.

Kevin Keegan. You see, he knew what he was doing all the time.

••••••

Bad weekend

Fulham. They couldn't even beat Derby, but at least they'll get two more league fixtures to try again next season.

Gary Megson. You're not very good.

Rob Styles. A penalty? You're having a laugh.

Sven. Falling fast.

Jonathan Woodgate. He played all those games for Newcastle but Sunday was his best performance for them.