“We regret to inform you that UK Plc will most likely be closed for the whole of Monday 2 and Tuesday 3 February due to adverse weather conditions — known as “snow”. Unlike other European countries where the snow phenomenon' is experienced more frequently, we have no equipment to manage under such challenging circumstances. Consequently our trains, buses, roads and airports have been deemed inoperable, and have duly been closed. We realise we did have a week's warning from the Met Office, but due to the economic crisis we did not have enough money to make proper arrangements. If your request is urgent, please feel free to contact the next nearest European country that is still open for business. Apparently France is still working.

Yours faithfully, UK Plc.

* So all those people who did not make it in to work earlier this week were obviously busy online, catching up on work at home.
Well online, yes. Betfair reports an extraordinary 65% surge in people logging in to play poker — it had its busiest Monday ever — with its casino games 50% busier.

* Even the bean-counters are finding life difficult. KPMG LLP, the partnership that runs the top accountancy firm, has just published its accounts for the year to the end of last September — in other words, in the run-up to the very worst of the crunch. While revenues were up 3% at almost £1.4 billion, operating profits fell 12% to £372 million. Somewhat embarrassingly, KPMG admitted that while the economic climate played its part, the fall reflected “the higher number of staff in 2008 causing personnel expenses to rise more steeply than revenues”. City Spy imagines that remedial action has been taken...

* Madoff memorabilia gets more tasteless by the day. On eBay, you can now buy “urinal screens” with a picture of his face that carry the slogan:
“Get pissed at Bernie Madoff”. The seller invites buyers to stick them in the lavatory at a favourite Wall Street bar or restaurant to give Bernie a “warm” send-off.

TV's Dragons under HK fire

On the back of James Caan and Peter Jones warning that the Dragons on Dragons' Den will be seeking more equity in response to the recession and their investments becoming riskier, a missive arrives at City Spy Towers from Sir David Tang. “Dragons getting tougher?” writes the Hong Kong entrepreneur and socialite. “Please don't make us laugh! The programme is excellent television, but since when have serious businessmen invested and committed to shareholdings without seeing any projections on profit and loss, cashflow and balance sheet, not to mention internal rate of return?”

* The boys couldn't resist it — bankers at Teathers held a snowball fight with their Berkeley Square rivals, Fairfax...

* A new car commercial is airing in the US. It's for Hyundai, and it claims: if you buy a car today and lose your job in the next year, you can return the car.

* How will the Financial Services Authority fare under a Tory Government? Er, not very well, if Ken Clarke has anything to do with it. “The FSA has been completely useless at regulating banking,” Clarke, the new shadow business secretary, tells the Reform think-tank. “What was wrong was not the lack of quantity of regulation — all kinds of box-ticking nonsense went on — but the quality of the regulation. Huge amounts of trivia and process were explored in great detail without the big questions of risk management being challenged and the banking fraternity being looked in the eye and being asked to explain the business models that they were using and whether everyone totally understood what they were exposed to, off-balance sheet, in the securitisation business.”

Forget the Masons – it's Rotary that's the threat

Golly. In Zurich, the Tages Anzeiger newspaper contains a report on the popularity of the Rotary Club among top bankers and financiers.
Don't laugh — it's clearly serious stuff. “Being a member of the Rotary Club is like being knighted,” the paper says.

That explains it. There we were, thinking the Freemasons were the ones to watch, and they were there all the time, under our noses. The Rotary! It all fits. The Masons are a red herring. City Spy demands an outing of all Rotary members —
and their equally sinister brethren, the Round Table. Immediately! They must be purged.

* Spread-betting continues to go from strength to strength. Take the decision of Saxo Bank to start up its own spread-trading services in conjunction with London Capital Group. Saxo is forecasting a 60% increase in growth as a result of the move, which could also be worth £1 million a year to LCG. The deal also establishes it as a major player in the spread-betting market. It already handles spread-bet platforms for Betfair, Paddy Power and E*Trade. Other players in the market, such as IG Group, CMC Markets and City Index, beware.

* Bad news for Gordon Ramsay, the Tchenguiz brothers and other directors of companies that make a habit of being late in filing their accounts. As of Sunday, the penalties for delay at Companies House were increased. From now on, private companies that are less than one month overdue will be fined £150 and Plcs £750, rising to £1500 for private companies that are six months overdue and £7500 for Plcs. Fail to comply with filing requirements for the previous financial year and the penalties will be doubled. If the charge isn't paid, it will be referred to the bailiffs and if it remains unpaid, legal action can be taken.