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Shop around with Sue if the going gets tough
On the eve of the Guus Hiddink Memorial FA Cup Final, an encouraging omen for fretful Chelsea fans. The Blues trounced Everton 4-1 in a Clothes Show London poll asking people which WAG would be their preferred shopping companion.
Cheryl Cole heads the field, naturally, on 39 per cent, Carly Zucker is hot on her Manolo heels (34 per cent), while in the drop zone are Barbara Tausia (Madame Anelka) and Everton consolation scorer Emily Jagielka.
Holding her shape in the centre with a useful 13 per cent, meanwhile, is John Terry's Toni. If the poll is extended next year to include parents, and should the recession persist, John's mother Sue is expected to pick up 97-99 per cent. Anyone who goes shopping with her is advised that, while you won't require deep pockets — those you can safely leave to Sue — it would be wise to stay away from security cameras and wear shades and a baseball cap (see below for a bargain idea) at all times.
Lawro brought low by stab at high-brow wit
The Champions League final provided distressing evidence that Mark Lawrenson is losing ground in his long battle with Jimmy Carr Syndrome By Proxy, the psychiatric disorder that causes sufferers to mistake themselves for members of the Algonquin Round Table. Lawro unleashed his latest Wilde-ian thrust on 5 Live by describing Man Utd's Park Ji Sung as “dogmatic” . . . an adjective that made sense only in a hilarious-how-those-weird-little-Koreans-eat-Dachshunds kinda way. I yield to no one in my appreciation of Lawro's old moustache, the campest of its age outside the Village People, but that was as close to comedic greatness as he will ever reach. The time has come for him to follow Fergie and graciously accept defeat.
If it's puns, Sky darts boys are your bankers
If he must plough on as a punster, Lawro should study the work of the TV darts boys. Having beaten Phil Taylor to reach Monday's Premier League Final, Mervyn King fell 7-0 behind to eventual winner James Wade. When Mervyn finally took a leg, one of the Sky Sports lads (Dave Lanning, I think, but possibly the equally excellent John Gwynne; apologies but I'd had a few by then) wondered whether this constituted “the first green shoots of recovery”. This is the first Bank of England recession cliche pun in televised darts history, and hats off to whoever made it so elegantly.
Hats off to Button for staying ahead in style
Tremendous news for any remaining Lewis Hamilton fans as their hero contemplates swapping his Mercedes McLaren, on acceleration grounds, for a Vespa. The upside to Lewis's troublesome form is this. On the Mercedes-Benz website, the “unisex” Lewis cap, previously £19.99, is discounted to a fiver. Over at the Brawn GP site, it's another story. Doubtless Bernie will soon get around to price-capping caps, but for now the Jenson Button headgear holds its line beautifully at a steady £24.99.
£80,000 weekly wage of Stephen Ireland after his new manchester city deal
19 League goals scored by Nicolas Anelka to earn him Golden Boot award
