Wembley's Club class goes down the Tube

Some people say it with flowers, some with boxes of chocolates. But the Football Association has chosen to say thanks to their Club Wembley patrons - the ones whose decision to splurge anywhere between £20,000 and £60,000 on long-term season tickets effectively allowed the stadium to be built - by refusing to offer them refunds for last night's meeting with Andorra. While the punters in the (relatively) cheap seats were given the chance to claim their money back if the Tube strike prevented them from travelling to the game, Club Level prawn sandwich-munchers were told that the only way to avoid their tickets going to waste was passing them on to friends and family. "Although refunds do not apply under the terms of the licence, we value our membership and will continue to consult on an individual basis," said a Wembley spokesperson. Great consolation, we're sure.

Manly' Gerrard lacks wax factor at Anfield

Civilisation's descent into darkness continues, unabated. The latest blow to humanity's collective self-respect was delivered by Alex Curran, Liverpool's highest-earning Belisha beacon and partner of Steven Gerrard, who has been waxing lyrical on . . . well, waxing.

Apparently, Alex has put her stiletto-heeled foot down on hubby's admission that he would shave his “back, sack and crack”, all in the name of love. “For the record, I prefer him how he is!” Alex squealed in her magazine column. “I don't like it when men are too groomed like Cristiano Ronaldo. I like men to be nice and manly.”
Next week, why Coleen refuses to let Wazza get a Brazilian and Melanie Slade on Theo Walcott's first shave.

We just don't fancy this statue of Pigeon'

Having failed to produce any other cultural figures of note in the last 300 years, Australia have decided to honour paceman Glenn McGrath with a statue. The bronze edifice — in a park in McGrath's hometown of Narromine — is likely to depict Pigeon' celebrating yet another (probably English) wicket. If it had been up to us, we would have had him sitting down, clutching his ankle and howling like a girl in homage to him treading on that rogue cricket ball in the warm-up to the Edgbaston Ashes Test in 2005.

Tigers turn out to be bunch of vinda-losers

Bangladesh's early exit from the World Twenty20 will have a positive effect on global warming. The hungry Tigers created an Abominable Snowman-sized carbon footprint by flying curries from Bristol's Bollywood Spice to their Nottingham base by helicopter after deciding only they could service their requirements. However, their shock defeat by Ireland means Mohammad Ashraful's side can get their dinners back at home.