Can Van Persie be like Obama? Yes he can

No wonder Barack Obama can't quit smoking. In addition to his other duties, the President is now lumbered with responsibility for ending Arsenal's long wait for a trophy.

Robin van Persie tells the News of the World that "Arsene Wenger has introduced Obama's 'Yes We Can!' philosophy to the dressing room."

About time too. "No we can't!" had clearly run out of puff. Robin takes his inspiration very personally. "Obama was always calm. Whenever John McCain shouted and screamed, he remained in control. I try to do the same."

So there it is. If next season a squat septuagenarian with a brewery heiress ice maiden wife makes a studs up lunge at the Arsenal striker, expect him to respond by flying to Philadelphia and giving a 37- minute speech on race.

But Gooner Osama is more Robin's man

As yet, there has been no official response from the Oval Office, although in an off-the-record briefing White House sources told CNN that, since Mr Obama prefers West Ham United, the odds on a special relationship between the two are "extremely remote".

"In fact, it might be better if this Dutch guy developed dyslexia," the briefing went on, "and started hero-worshipping Osama instead."

This is a reference to Bin Laden being a Gooner supporter, who stood on the Highbury terraces for a 1994 Cup Winner's Cup semi-final, and once bought one of his myriad sons a replica kit.

At least JJ's excuse was down to timing

The more fatalistic tennis stars often give the impression of being cursed, but none quite as graphically as Jelena Jankovic.

"What can I do?" asked the Serbian after losing to 17-year-old American Melanie Oudin on Saturday.

"It was woman's trouble. I thought I was going to end up in hospital. I started to shake and I was losing consciousness."

Although her stoicism does her credit, Jelena must bow before Lighton Ndefwayl, who in 1992 offered tennis history's most creative excuse.

"He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight," explained the Zambian. "And because when he serves he farts and that made me lose my concentration."

A doughty effort from JJ all the same.

Fat Duck victim's been bugging us for years

Equally adept at medical melodrama is that ITV stalwart Jim Rosenthal, who is still banging on about the vomiting bug he picked up at The Fat Duck in February.

"Apart from an initial email we have heard nothing," Rosie tells the Daily Mail, "not even an apology. I am chasing this up with my solicitor."

Since the illness had nothing to do with kitchen hygiene, he wouldn't seem to have much of a case.

But if he does go ahead, I suggest Heston Blumenthal counterclaims over the nausea caused by Rosie for 30 years.

Several million viewers will be happy to join the chef and make it a class action.