Morning:
9°c
We can silence Ponting with a Pratt of our own
Will Ricky Ponting's bleating never cease? Whether or not the best batsman to come out of Oz since Don Bradman, he's unquestionably the biggest girl's blouse to emerge from that godforsaken land (it'll be nice when it's finished, as my mother says) since blubbering PM Bob Hawke. Any more queeny moaning about alleged English time-wasting at Cardiff and our selectors will have to retaliate. In fact, I suggest they counterstrike by replacing the Lord's 12th man with Gary Pratt, every godfearing Englishman's favourite substitute fielder. The sight of Pratt bringing out the drinks, accompanied by a little light sledging about a certain 2005 run-out at Old Trafford, might close that capacious, whiny gob, if only briefly.
Vicious rumour that Aussies will still sledge
The Aussies have retired from sledging after being told in a letter by their cricket board to cease unleashing the ribcage-busters about how they have joined the Household Cavalry in cuckolding English batsmen. Unofficially, however, it seems set to continue, with deranged-looking seamer Peter Siddle (Sid Vicious to his team-mates — which Aussie qualifies as his Nancy? We haven't been told) claiming never to have received the letter. This may even be true. However, recalling how Sid' was once log-chopping champion of a rural Victoria backwood believed to make that average Dominican priory look like Norfolk on Keep It In The Family Day, it's just as likely that he did get his letter but couldn't penetrate its meaning. Lend us yer brain, Sid', will ya (as that well loved Aussie sledge has it)? We're building an idiot.
Is Help the Aged Spurs' charity of the season?
Little brightens the dark months like surreal Tottenham transfer gossip and this summer is no exception, thanks to the rumour of serious interest in the services of Patrick Vieira. You'd think that bidding for a 33-year-old long past his sell-by is a purely satirical notion and then you recall the signing of Edgar Davids, a one-time midfield great no longer able to run and, with glaucoma, struggling to see. Then again, with care for the elderly such a topical issue this week, let's have the decency to ignore the footballing implications and celebrate the social conscience.
Vieira must be ready to tackle Sherwood again
If Vieira does sign for Tottenham, his first act should be the celebration of an emotional
10th anniversary. “It was a terrible tackle and I am upset with him,” Vieira said in May 1999, of a certain Tim Sherwood. “I am sorry for Spurs they have a player like that. He could have broken my leg.” The good news for Vieira, as he ponders any offer, is that Sherwood is no longer a Spurs player. The less good is he is now a coach at White Hart Lane. No doubt that incident was forgotten long ago by the
mildly psychotic Frenchman. Elephantine memory of perceived sporting injustice we can leave to Australians.
