Beckham turns down Invitation to love Shaq

When will the persecution of Our Gracious Becks cease?

As if it wasn't enough for English football's patron saint to be branded unprofessional by a man called 'Landon' and yelled at by idiot Americans pretending to be bovver boys, he has also been forced to contend with some entirely unprovoked goading from basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal.

In a bid to drum up some publicity for his new television show, O'Neal - communicating, with numbing predictability, on his Twitter feed - roared: "Dear david beckham, I kno * heard about my shaq vs show, anyway * will never score a goal on me, I challenge you lil man."

Becks resisted the urge to metaphorically vault the pitch perimeter and kept his counsel, clearly deeming anyone who believes goals can be scored 'on' somebody unworthy of a response.

That prompted a cryptic reaction from The Big Aristotle: "U betta respnd, if * scared get a dog."

Flavio's team criticism leads to a fit of Piquet

For our part, we prefer feuds that extend over 140 characters.

Take this spicy spat between the always understated Flavio Briatore and his Renault Formula One driver Nelson Piquet Jr.

"I expected more from Piquet this season," Briatore said. "When a driver lacks results, he opens the book of excuses: it's down to the weather, a spectator's sunglasses, a spin on the straight..."

That piqued The Pique, who responded: "He doesn't understand s*** about F1." Good point - or QPR, for that matter.

All bets are off for big London rivals in China

The wide open spaces on show at yesterday's Barclays Asia Trophy kick-about between Tottenham and West Ham were not restricted to the stands in Beijing's Workers' Stadium.

China's restrictions on advertising gambling meant the London clubs had to remove the branding of their official sponsors - Mansion for Spurs and SBOBET for the Hammers - in a move which will presumably not go down well with either company given the potentially gigantic TV audiences in China.

Still, at least West Ham made the best of a bad situation by trumpeting the Bobby Moore Foundation on their shirt fronts; Spurs, bizarrely, opted not to advertise their own Foundation and left the jerseys blank.

It's not the first time Spurs have run into strife in the Far East: four years ago, the club were criticised for taking part in the Peace Cup, a tournament funded by the 'Moonies' cult.

Boss gets into a to-do over Mido and Dido

How to shoot down a ridiculous transfer rumour in two short sentences, as demonstrated by one acid-tongued manager of a northern Premier League side this week.

When asked whether he had any interest in signing Egyptian serial club-hopper Mido, the boss in question replied: "Mido? There's more chance of me signing Dido."